My DD feels she is being discriminated against!

pipkin71

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

My youngest feels that I treat the eldest better than her It's not the case, it's just that being the eldest she is able to do certain things that the youngest can't yet.

Anyway, it's not the first time this has come up, but last night she was really upset :(:(

They are treated differently in some ways, mainly due to age and responsibility and it doesn't necessarily favour DD1, but then in other ways they are treated the same.

I don't want DD2 to feel upset, but then neither is she allowed to do the things she wants to just yet. I do however want her to be happy and not think that she gets a raw deal for being the youngest.

Has anyone else come up against this?

Perhaps I should never have introduced the concept of discrimination to them because now I get the 'I'm discriminated against in this family' strop, stamp upstairs, slam door routine.

I'm sure / hoping she will grow out of it when she's allowed to do the things DD1 does, but then DD1 will be able to do other things :rolleyes:

Isn't parenting wonderful LOL!

tori.k

With a 15/13 &11 yr old boys i know where your coming from...:) im considering moving into the garden shed come the summer holidays,
i start singing when the start on each other and me, they think ive lost the plot, but bugg*r off when they get no joy at moaning...dont know how long it will last tho....now where i put that key to the shed...lol
best of luck, if you find the answer let me know....
Tori x

xmaslolly76

I get this alot i have an 11 yr old girl and a 7 year old boy and the ds thinks it is increasingly unfair that dd gets to do more than him. So we sat down and had long talk about safety and age and came up with a plan of action each birthday as long as he has shown that he can be trusted with the new level of responcibility he will be able to do something more than he did before. IE last year he was only allowed out if his sister was, this year he can go out on his own as long as his friends are out and he stays in the street where we can see him. next year he will be allowed out later and maybe be allowed down bottom of the culdesac where we cant see him. I dont know if this will work with your girls i get the feeling they are older than my two. but maybe allow her to do one thing at a time with set guidelines if she goes against your trust then the privilage is revoked until such time as you think she is mature enough to stick to the rules

pipkin71

My girls are 10 and 12 xmaslolly.

We had the 'can't go out unless your sister does' but she now goes out on her own as long as friends are out.

It is difficult because she feels grown up enough to do the things DD1 does and even though I point out to her that when DD1 was her age she couldn't do what she does now, I still get a moan about how unfair things are :rolleyes::rolleyes:

I wish I had a garden shed tori

RAS

Hmm

I recall being the older child in this situation and it was awful. I would fight like mad to get a privilege (mum's views were very traditional) and had barely exercised it before DS started to kick off all the time because she wanted the same thing.

It felt like I was doing all the negotiating and she was getting all the advantages. Since I had additional responsibilities because of my age, I was really hacked off with DS and with mum for being so spineless. So she got it in the neck from both of us.

There are some age related laws, of which you need to be aware, but xmaslolly's approach is good.

The other thing is that you first post makes me think that your kid's have picked up on something about which you feel strongly and are now using it against you, and have discovered that it works. So you need to back off.

We all discriminate. When I am recruiting, I discriminate against everyone who does not meet the job criteria, for example. The issue is not whether you discriminate but whether that discrimination is justified. If something awful happened to DD2 because you allowed her extra privileges, would other parent's think you had been lax? If not, maybe it is OK, if so, then stick to your guns and plan a staged growing up process.

HopeAndDriftWood

My little sister always hated not being able to do what I did, so we started doing things together. The age gap is a bit bigger, Im 18 now and she's about to turn 11, but I remember sitting with her and asking what it was she wanted to do. Maybe get her to tell you what bothers her most, and seeing if you can edit it a bit to make it safe?
Tell her that you don't want her to get hurt, because you love her lots, but you'll try and compromise with her. It seemed to work for me!!

Another idea is to have something that you and the little one just do together, like letting her help cook tea, or making cakes, or going shopping. Give her a big girl task to do, and it might be enough. I know my little sister loves to choose what toothpaste/bubble bath/breakfast cereal to get, and to pay for her own magazine and sweets.

Worth a try?

patchwork_cat

What sort of things does she feel discrimated about? Is it specifics like going out or more vague?

silvercar

Accept it is an arguement you can't win.

If you don't let the younger do something then you are being unfair. If you do then the older will say its unfair because she had to wait until she was older but the little one gets to do it without waiting.

pipkin71

patchwork_cat wrote: »

What sort of things does she feel discrimated about? Is it specifics like going out or more vague?

Lots of things patchwork cat.

From going out, to what she can watch on TV, to how long she can spend on the phone, to how often she is told off or how often I check when they're out, to her not being allowed a front door key [she did have one and lost it on the first day!]

There are so many things she feels aren't fair at the moment. I feel it is an age thing - wanting to be more grown up but not ready to be more grown up.

We've had a nice morning baking and will watch a DVD this afternoon together whilst DD1 has her friends over.

She has certainly picked up on equal ops and I'm expecting a human rights speech but thankfully equal ops doesn't mean being treated exactly the same

pipkin71

silvercar wrote: »

Accept it is an arguement you can't win.

If you don't let the younger do something then you are being unfair. If you do then the older will say its unfair because she had to wait until she was older but the little one gets to do it without waiting.

Have to agree with you silvercar. It's annoying though when you get the 'it's not fair' rant over and over and over again! :rolleyes:

tiamai_d

I remember it all being so unfair that my little brother got to do stuff that I wasn't allowed to do when I was his age.

And he got let off with everything while I was always being told off.

And that she cared more about him than she did about me, I was just the old bit of luggage she had to carry round that she wished she could just dump.

It was sooooo unfair!!!

Then I grew up and forgot all about it until my own kids started it!

Good luck!