Silkglades - In need of a kick up the @rse Diary

Well I have been gone from here for the last year! :confused: So much has happened and I have lost my way (big time)

I did get to almost debt free but then everything changed and so has my situation.... and not for the better I might add.

I will make it short and sweet as I really need to start sorting things out and time is running out (or that is how it feels)

Start at the beginning then!

Husband and I split up and got divorced last year, I paid for the divorce, and I gave him a lump sum to get him on his feet as he was a house husband and had no money of his own!

He moved out and the 3 kids and I stay in the family home. ;)

Got the house changed over into my name only (even though things were amicable I did not want the risk of things going sour and loosing our house in the future)

Met my new partner, he did not live locally (met him on facebook) and therefore had some expensive trips back and forth to get to know him...

I wanted him closer and he was happy to move back closer to me, I'm in kent and his parents home is in essex, he currently lived up north nr Durham. Moved there to be with ex girlfriend and they split up the year before. He had been out of work for a while (around 6 months) and being on benefits had racked up some debt, on credit card and owing to his landlord.

I transfered the debt to my 0% credit card (Virgin) for 15 months and paid off his credit card (was so desperate to have him closer as we were getting on so well) Love is blind and all that.

Was still doing really well on the finances front till then, it just all started to go wrong money wise when boyfriend moved in (he gets on great with the kids, and he is now my house husband so to speak).

Problem is that my food bills have gone up loads as he wants all the named brands (says he does not like the taste of the cheaper ones) Eats crisps and snacks such as cakes etc like they are going out of fashion (therefore the kids want them too) and does not really like the food that the kids and I love! You know the nice cheap meals! :mad:

I have had to get a new car as I am now pregnant with child number 4, so needed to get a 7 seater as boyfriend does not drive (I am currently paying out for his driving lessons, and I'm worried that he won't have passed his test by the time I have baby I'm 24 weeks and even though he has had a little car that he bought with inherritance 7 months ago has only just started lessons! ... :confused: I won't be able to drive myself into hosp!

Well to cut a very long story short I am the bread winner (my choice as I love my job and have been there for 8 years and I dont know how we are gonna manage with the £19,000 ish debt once I am on maternity pay!

Sorry it's soo long!
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Replies

  • Just wanted to say a huge good luck to you!

    You seem very generous particularly with your partner which is a really lovely thing.

    If I can be a bit cheeky though on thing I would say is to have think about you and let him know that he may need to expect less of you to allow you to get you and the family back on your feet financially. Then after that you can have all the brand names and holidays in the world!

    All the best for the pregnancy, keep well and fingers crossed he gets that driving licence :D
    Baby on board - EDD 29th Sept
  • silkgladesilkglade Forumite
    559 Posts
    Thank you for your kind words, I was not expecting that.... more along the lines of...... you stupid woman, get a grip and why the hell did you allow yourself to get back in this mess!

    I feel really frustrated with myself for letting this happen, I was so in control of all my finances and literally about 2 - 3 months away from being debt free!

    Ok I had to get the car, pay for the divorce and get ex hubby taken off the house, but I could have done it so much better if I had taken a little time rather than rush into these things... Grrrr
  • Karen_30Karen_30 Forumite
    823 Posts
    Morning,

    Just wanted to wish you lots of luck and a healthy pregnancy! I'm sure you'll do just fine.

    There's no point in looking back, only forward and you have lots to look forward too :D

    Have you tried sneaking a few own brands food wise without OH knowing? I did that with weetabix and baked beans....he ate them just fine for a week or so and then after I announced that you didn't notice the difference so we are changing down a brand :p His face was a picture but he agreed :rotfl:

    Have subscribed to your diary so will pop back again soon.
  • silkgladesilkglade Forumite
    559 Posts
    Thank you so much for your encouragement :D, I will give that a go thank you....

    I think yesterday was a bad day, but the best day to start my new diary as I felt really, really down :confused:

    I have been off work sick for 6 weeks, just keep getting ill and now I have anaemia and SPD... Hoping to be back at work after this 2 week certificate finishes though (given to me yesterday) as I need to be back at work.... I miss it and the lovely people that I work with too.

    I think I have just been feeling very alone with regard to the finances, cos as usual I am the one looking after everything alone and therefore the responsibility is mine.
  • Karen_30Karen_30 Forumite
    823 Posts
    Sorry to hear you are poorly. Make sure you rest up well.

    Have you thought about posting an SOA - just so the lovely guys here can have a look and see if they can't give you a few tips?

    Maybe you could say to OH that as baby due, only one wage, debts etc we really need to start cutting back on the 'treats' i.e crisps, chocs etc. Maybe online shopping?? Might make it easier for you as one you are not well and two no temptations to get loads of goodies, just the necessities. Just a thought.

    You take care,

    K x
  • Fire_FoxFire_Fox Forumite
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    silkglade wrote: »
    Moved there to be with ex girlfriend and they split up the year before. He had been out of work for a while (around 6 months) and being on benefits had racked up some debt, on credit card and owing to his landlord.

    Was still doing really well on the finances front till then, it just all started to go wrong money wise when boyfriend moved in (he gets on great with the kids, and he is now my house husband so to speak).

    Problem is that my food bills have gone up loads as he wants all the named brands (says he does not like the taste of the cheaper ones) Eats crisps and snacks such as cakes etc like they are going out of fashion (therefore the kids want them too) and does not really like the food that the kids and I love! You know the nice cheap meals! :mad:

    Well to cut a very long story short I am the bread winner (my choice as I love my job and have been there for 8 years and I dont know how we are gonna manage with the £19,000 ish debt once I am on maternity pay!

    Have you sat down together and agreed a Statement of Affairs for when you are on maternity leave, including how much is reasonable to spend on food? Have you considered OH getting a part-time or full-time job whilst you are home on maternity leave to bring in more money? :money:

    It worries me a little that your OH does not really have a grip on his spending of other people's money - it is possible to live on benefits without getting into lots of debt. This is why I wonder if it might help to get him more involved in the budgeting. Is the £19k all related to paying off your OH's debts and your current spending patterns or is some of it your debt from your divorce?

    Mr. Fire Fox is a brand name and snack fiend as well. :mad: We did both agree that the supermarket shop had got out of control, but as I do the shopping I have been the one to cut back. I only shop every two weeks now, which means fewer snacks as we run out after a week. ;) Also I will only buy Walkers crisps or Nestle breakfast cereals when they are on special offer. Biscuits he gets given own brand and sometimes Smartprice.

    Lastly I have stocked up our baking cupboard (wholemeal flour, oats, eggs, organic butter or veg oil, milk powder, nuts, dried fruit, cocoa powder) so when Mr. Fire Fox moans there are no snacks I will make flapjacks or carrot cake, or he makes a bread and butter pudding. Your OH could do this with the kids if he is home with them! Could you also sell it to him as setting a healthy example to your children - only one pack of crisps OR a few biscuits a day? :confused:
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • silkgladesilkglade Forumite
    559 Posts
    Thank you for your suggestions :o

    The debt is part from me helping other half, Part from me giving ex a helping hand as he had nothing and has given me everything I wanted (signed over the house) and there was some joint debt with ex that was all in my name.

    Ex has recently got a job and is paying me half of that back as and when he can (he is on min wage) He was the one that said he would which was a nice supprise as I was expecting to have to sort it myself.

    Some of it is from buying the bigger car as we would not fit into a normal 5 seater once baby has arrived and I am still the only one that can drive. I wanted to get used to the big brute before baby came along at it could be rather worrying and possibly dangerous driving a new car that you don't know and trust with a crying or screaming baby with you. :confused:

    Other half always asks if he can have something and I have to say I never say no to him..... My weakness I know and I will have to toughen up. But then to be honest as I am paying out over £200 per month on driving lessons he does not really ask for much else anyway.
  • combo81combo81 Forumite
    105 Posts
    I dont want you to take this wrong way,but Im just saying what a lot of readers here will be thinking but I think that fella will be feeling like hes played the lottery and won the jackpot here. Tell him to get himself a job if he want all the expensive stuff, otherwise he eats what you buy ..end of.

    You see a lot of blokes like him tbh, find a recently divorced woman with a house and kids, move in, slipper under the table and hey presto, sit on their !!!! all day and let the woman work themselves into an early grave.
    I cant belive you paid his debt off, thats outrageous!!

    Are you sure you didnt move him in too early, I mean how long have you known him, do you know all about his prev life/ background? How long has he been bumming around on the dole? How did he rack up those debts. These are things you need to ask yourself, as you are heading back into big debt problems, you dont deserve this.
    Total Debt -was £14,700 aprox NOW £13,835
    Paying each month-800-850 (hopefully)
    Hope to be debt free about aug 2010
  • EssexHebrideanEssexHebridean Forumite
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    Hello & welcome Silkglade *waves*

    You sound like a very lovely person and your OH is lucky that you have found one another. I think getting him involved in the finances is a good plan - and I think it would also be a good plan when you sit down and go through things to make it very clear what proportion of the "joint debt" relates to his past problems. It never needs to be mentioned again afterwards, but just so he sees the true picture as it is, at the start. Whilst hating to be negative, do you have something in writing agreeing what would hapen with the debts of his that you've put on your CC? If not you should deal with that sharpish - having both come from past relationships that have broken down you are both aware that things can sometimes go wrong, and you don't want to risk being saddled with more debt than you should have if the worst should ever happen. I know you probably think this is a terrible perspective to take on things, but you have to think of you and your kids first and foremost.

    Re the overspending on premium brands etc, is it not possible that he could do some work from home to earn extra to put into the family pot to pay for these? It would do his self-esteem good to be putting something in as well I would have thought.

    Well done on getting back to focusing ondealing with things, and I'm glad your life seems to be working out so well for you - oh, and congrats on no.4 - don't worry about the driving thing - if he's not passed by "D-Day" then you'd just have to go in by ambulance instead - not the end of the world and there are more people than you would imagine who still don't drive - it's not as unusual as everyone thinks.
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  • EssexHebrideanEssexHebridean Forumite
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    Combo81 - there is more than one way to skin a cat - and likewise there are more tactful ways to phrase what you have said. :naughty:
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