Is anyone else in this situation?

CHRISTIE_2

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. In January he told me that he got someone pregnant before we met and has a son who was 2 in March this year. He was sleeping with this girl on a regular basis and she was meant to be on the pill. When she found out she was pregnant he told her that they should not have the baby/they were not in love/could not support a child....... She went ahead and had the baby. They had no contact at all during the pregnancy and he has never seen the child. He says that he does not want anything to do with them at all. Now the CSA are on to him and asking for money including arrears. He doesnt want to pay anything, I am trying to explain that he has to (its the law!). Now he wants to set up a private arrangement with her. I cant help but think she wont wont be interested - after all why would she do him any favours? I am certain that if I had known the information before we got serious I would feel quite differently about the situation and we probably wouldn't be together. The reason I am writing this is just to see if anyone is in a similar situation to me? I know right from wrong and am so angry with him for leaving a mother and his baby in the lurch and also very angry that he left it almost 2 years to tell me! Does anyone know how this feels? Any tips on how to cope with this situation and make him do the right thing?

Soubrette

CHRISTIE wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. In January he told me that he got someone pregnant before we met and has a son who was 2 in March this year. He was sleeping with this girl on a regular basis and she was meant to be on the pill. When she found out she was pregnant he told her that they should not have the baby/they were not in love/could not support a child....... She went ahead and had the baby. They had no contact at all during the pregnancy and he has never seen the child. He says that he does not want anything to do with them at all. Now the CSA are on to him and asking for money including arrears. He doesnt want to pay anything, I am trying to explain that he has to (its the law!). Now he wants to set up a private arrangement with her. I cant help but think she wont wont be interested - after all why would she do him any favours? I am certain that if I had known the information before we got serious I would feel quite differently about the situation and we probably wouldn't be together. The reason I am writing this is just to see if anyone is in a similar situation to me? I know right from wrong and am so angry with him for leaving a mother and his baby in the lurch and also very angry that he left it almost 2 years to tell me! Does anyone know how this feels? Any tips on how to cope with this situation and make him do the right thing?

Hi CHRISTIE, I don't have direct experience of something like this myself but if your boyfriend does come to a private arrangement with the mother then he must ensure that all payments are properly noted as child maintenance for [insert child's name]. Some people have found that less than honest parents with care have later denied receiving these payments and the CSA have asked for payments again. It seems that simply showing money regularly going into an account is not enough.

He may also not get a choice on whether the CSA is involved if she is on benefits - although I believe that is changing but am not sure when, hopefully someone else can answer that question

Good luck with your situation, it must have really shaken your confidence in your boyfriend

Sou

catenorfolk

why doesnt he just pay through the CSA then all his payments are recorded and everything is on record. Should save him a lot of problems later. Is it because he wants to pay less than the CSA want him to?

Loopy_Girl

Soubrette wrote: »

He may also not get a choice on whether the CSA is involved if she is on benefits - although I believe that is changing but am not sure when, hopefully someone else can answer that question

It's changed already (since Oct last year). Anyone can set up a private arrangement whether on benefits or not. It's then up to the benefit recipient to advise the DWP of how much CS they are receiving so that they can get to keep the first £20 and then the rest deducted off the benefit.

If the child is 2 years old though and the Mum was on benefits when he ws born then she would have had to have given the Dad's details then (hence why there are arrears).

If there are arrears and they are due to the SoS (which would be the case if the Mum was on benefits) then the case cannot be closed until all arrears have been paid.

If the arrears are due to the PWC (if she had been working) then it is her choice to close down the case if she wishes and either write the arrears off and go with a private arrangement or ask the CSA to still be involved.

Personally I agree with the OP and can see why the PWC will probably decide not to go with a private arrangement since the OP's b/f has only made movements towards paying CS when the CSA have caught up with him.

catenorfolk

he can only pay privately tho if the pwc wants to. Maybe she has been asking him for maintenance before and hasnt got anywhere and perhaps the PWC doesnt trust that the NRP will pay regularly. This does often happen, the NRP promises to pay and then quite often the full amont agreed isnt paid or nothing at all. Paying privately only works if you trust the other party.

Loopy_Girl

That's what I'm meaning. I don't think she should (and neither does OP by the sounds of he things). He has only decided to pay after the CSA caught him - I don't see why he should be allowed the luxury of having a nice neat private arrangment.

He never bothered with her when she was pregnant, has taken him 2 years to tell his current girlfriend that he has a child and is only offering to pay because he has to....doesn't sound like he should be trusted to be honest.

CHRISTIE_2

why doesnt he just pay through the CSA then all his payments are recorded and everything is on record. Should save him a lot of problems later. Is it because he wants to pay less than the CSA want him to?

Yes - He thinks he will get away with paying less this way. His mentality is 'she has had nothing so far so whatever I offer is better than nothing.'

Thank you all for your comments - they are very helpful. I feel like I have been dropped into a situation I would not have got into voluntarily and thats hard to to accept. But at the same time - he needs to do the right thing and I am keen to push him in the right direction.

CHRISTIE_2

Loopygirl - just read your last comment! Yes - a luxury indeed, and I know if I was in PWC position it is a luxury I would not allow him to have. He doesnt deserve it based on his behaviour so far!

And the trust side - a whole other story..... !

Loopy_Girl

You sound like a very decent person Christie and I hope the b/f realises that.

Personally I would hate to be with a man that had treated a former partner (whether it was casual shagging or not) like that as I would always wonder what would happen to me if I had a child with him and we split up.

I think he better prepare himself for her refusing a private arrangement, you'll need to tell him that the arrears will need to get cleared with the and that also he will need to be prepared to make regular payments.

I hope you manage to reconcile this in your head and am sure you will make the right decision for you.

jamespir

ok adding my 2 cents as man surley if he didnt want the child and that she went to have it on her own his name would not be on the birth certificate as being an unmarried couple you both have to attend the registary office to register said babys birth thererore if she added him then she ahs broken the law as for claiming anything i think shes taking the pee

as for christie if he goes for private arragnemet i dont think you need to worry bout trust im sure he will just pay what she deserves which should be nothing greedy little cow !!!!

Loopy_Girl

jamespir wrote: »

ok adding my 2 cents as man surley if he didnt want the child and that she went to have it on her own his name would not be on the birth certificate as being an unmarried couple you both have to attend the registary office to register said babys birth thererore if she added him then she ahs broken the law as for claiming anything i think shes taking the pee

as for christie if he goes for private arragnemet i dont think you need to worry bout trust im sure he will just pay what she deserves which should be nothing greedy little cow !!!!

The father's name doesn't have to be on a birth certificate to make a request for child support.

No laws have been broken.:rolleyes: