My Son Wants to Leave Home

Horasio

My son is 18, in his second year of uni near to home, been dating his girlfriend for nearly 4 years, she is nearly 17.

He opted to go to a local uni as it does the course he liked. He is doing OK on it - computing and electronics

We have a reasonable sized home and advised him to stay at home till he graduates, much cheaper etc. He also has a car and has been driving nearly a year.

He has been earning his keep doing DIY jobs for us - he is a natural at doing up houses.

We have saved £10K for him as a deposit for his first purchase, which he can access.

We have told him how much bills are and what he would need too. We have always been honest parents and told him how life really is.

But I remember what it is like to be 18 and in love. I know that being 18 is being an adult too, so I he is free to leave. When I was 17 I married my husband who is much older and had his own home, so all I had to do was pay for the food and going out.

He says he will look for work and use the allowance we give him to pay his way.

I am worried he will spend his house deposit money if he is a bit short and hope working and running a house won't make his studies suffer.

If we moved away, we would sell our home and downsize and he would have to move out.

Maybe we are anxious parents and worried he will make silly financial mistakes.

Is there any way we can stop him accessing his money till he buys his first place without being draconian? Are there accounts that pay good interest and limit access?

Any advice would be grateful accepted regarding any of my financial or personal worries for him, I'm sure there are people who have been in our position.

muddled_midget

Hi
A two year bond account would stop him accessing his money until he finishes uni, that's what my dad's done with my money, just so I can't fritter it away. Talk to him about what it all costs, and how much his gf will be able ton contribute, but don't forget most people at university have moved out of home, and they mostly get by somehow or other. Look at his timetables with him and work out how many hours work he can fit in with his course, and whether at minimum wage that will be enough to support him.
I think he's lucky that you are understanding of how we all do stupid things when we're in love, and I think he probably has his head screwed on as well, so just be there in case it all goes pear shaped, and if you do out his money out of reach for a couple of years, make sure you explain why and have his agreement.
midget

gilly41

Hi
My children are both away at Uni and are 20 and 22.
Right, this is my story- dont know if it will be of any help to you. My daughter, at 17, and in the midst of her A levels decided she didnt like the rules in our house. She opted to move out(LOL) and go and live with her stepsister- her dads wifes daughter who was working and had rented a terraced house with a couple of other girls. Well, my daughter hated it and she arrived back within weeks. She then started saying she didnt want to live here again and moved in with her dad and his wife.Again, this didnt work out and so it went on for a year til she went to Uni!!!!
She has now got a flat with her boyfriend(most of the issues at 17 were to do with her boyfriend- she is still with him now 5 years later- though I must admit i wish she wasnt but hey thats love!!!! and she knows best!!!).They have a rented flat together and I can honestly say I know she wishes she had never moved out at 17. She made a decision to be with him and I think she is starting to regret it but doesnt want to look like she has made a mistake.
My son also moved in with his dad at 17(this was because his dad has a garage where he can put his car on a night!!). He wishes too that he had never moved in and spends his holidays at our house every day and only going back to his dads to sleep(so he can put his car away!!!).
I think at 17/18 they think they know it all and I felt that I had to let them get on with it and make mistakes. But both of them have proved me right- the grass isnt any greener!!
I hope this helps. I think if your son wants to move out you cant stop him(as you said he is an adult) but i wouldnt make it easy with money- I certainly havent helped them out.
Take care
xxx

Gem_

he might be able to make a sucess of moving out. I moved out to go to uni and bought my first house when I was in my second year (and that was without any financial help from my parents). I managed to pay the bills with my part time job and still get a good degree.

I understand that it is hard to trust him and let him take contol of that amount of money that you and your husband worked so hard to save for him. However, you have made it seem like him is a sensible man with lots of common sense. At some point you need to let him sink or swim.

Just thought I would put in my two pence worth. On the other hand if he can't be trusted then the two year bond sounds like the perfect solution. The money is safe but he won't feel like you are just holding back because you don't think he is ready use it wisely.

Good Luck to you and your son

G

Horasio

I really appreciate your experiences - I know one day he will leave home, but was hoping he would wait till he graduates and gets a job, then use his savings as a deposit to get a mortgage.

My worry is he will be tempted if the going gets tough to dip in.

He has to learn that the world needs to be conquered - lol

wigginsmum

Why not just tell him that you saved the money as a freewill gesture for his first deposit and he can't have it until then? Surely it's time enough for him to move out once he's got a job which will enable him to stand on his own two feet.

ALI1973

Sorry I dont really understand why he wants to move out, could it be that he wants to live with his G/F?. I left home at 16, and life was a financial struggle, I know now that I hear of teens moaning about living at home, and i often say that they should just enjoy the leck of responsibilty while they can. (God knows if i could turn the clock back lol).

Would you be able to accept G/F into your home?, or if this isnt the prob, why not suggest that he pays you the "going rate" for a few months to see if he can cope before he signs any type of contract?

Hope you get it sorted.
Love Ali

mountainofdebt

I overheard someone (obviously from the educational field) talking a a few years back and they were saying that most of their students were going to local universities because they could live at home.

Whilst he could appreciate the reasonin behind it he also said it was sad in a way as living away from home was part of the university expereince.

Is his girlfriend planning to go to the same university as him?

As for the money how can it be accessed? Could you keep the passbook for example?

Sydney_2

I have 2 sons at Uni, living at opposite ends of the country. I think they need to experience life on their own, and learn how to manage their finances (or not!) It really makes them appreciate, and realise, how much they take things for granted, whilst living with their parents. We certainly don't throw money at them, but they know where to come when things get tough. Trust me, they go away as boys and come back as men!

I would recommend that you put the money you have saved for him into a good savings account, then it will earn him interest. He can then use it as a deposit on a flat, after he has enjoyed his independent life as a care free student. Afterall, it will probably be the only opportunity he has.

Go on, encourage him to live the dream, my boys have never looked back.

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you all.



I would put the money you have saved for him into an ISA and use it when he is ready to put a deposit down on a flat or similar.

Horasio

My son's GF is leaving home this summer and is going to a local college. She is staying in the same town. I have offered for her to live with us, as we have room but they have refused.

I am going to cut down on the jobs I do for him tho'.

skintchick

It's difficult this.

On the money, I think you have to tell him it is for a deposit on a house and he can't have it while he is at uni.

On moving out, I didn;t go to uni, but I did a one-year course in my chosen career miles away from home, then at 19 got a job and moved into my own rented flat, all on my own, and I loved it.

I had wangted to move out since I was 16.

Some people just want to be in their own place and have the freedom that brings, despite the financial sense of staying at home (not that it would have made much sense for me as parents were an hour away from my work).

So it's two issues really, and you only have control over one of them - but DON'T let him spend that money!