No contact with child upcoming birthday

monicaj

Hi

A little bit of background - this is my thread on the Child Support Forum if you want more background information: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1499263&highlight=negative+paternity

My husband has recently found out that he is not the biological father of a child whom has been part of his life for 10 years and he has supported financially. Things have taken the path we most dreaded in that the mother has told the child and claims the child no longer wants to see or talk to my hubby. This will probably end up going through the courts for my husband to have any chance of maintaining that 10 year relationship with his "son".

His son's birthday is in a few weeks and we are at a loss about cards/presents etc (as are our family). We really don't want to cause any upset to the child by sending something, equally we want him to have his gifts/cards and not think his "dad" doesn't care. Unfortunately we are not dealing with a reasonable "ex" here and really have no idea if she is telling the truth or indeed if she would intercept any cards/gifts etc sent in the mail.

I think we need to bear in mind that this is slightly different to other cases of no contact in that if the mother has told him that my Oh is not his father, I would imagine his poor little head must be in complete turmoil and right now we don't want to add any suffering.

Any advice greatly appreciated

pboae

Sod the mother and continue treating him as the son he is and always has been. Being a Dad is about far more than biology. It might be distressing for him to receive a present and card if there is bad feeling from his mother, but it will be far more distressing to him in the long run if he feels he's suddenly been rejected and is no longer loved because of his change in 'status'. There'll be time enough for sorting out the subtleties of their new relationship when he's older.

Poor kid :-(

pinkshoes

What sort of woman tells a 10 year old that his dad is not his dad, then tries to cut contact??? This is one sick person you're dealing with.

But it's not her who's important. It's the boy, and he should carry on as he did before, sending cards/presents, talking on the phone, and meeting up.

Send things recorded delivery so you know they've been received.

homeaway

If you are sure that the presents will arrive safely then i would send them, otherwise you could send a card and open up a savings account for him so that in time to come when things have calmed down there will be a nice little nest egg for him to spend.

princessamy86

Could you make sure the presents get there via a grandparent/other family member? Even if the ex won't allow contact, I'm sure it will mean a lot to the little boy that the effort has been made. I totally agree that you shouldn't back off totally just because horrible ex is a moo.

jess1974

This little boy is very lucky to have your husband as his 'dad', i hope you can resolve the situation and contact and access is maintained..

Best wishes Jess xx

Emmaizzy

Could the maternal grandparents help? Could they help maintain the relationship even if for the short term it is only to pass on gifts and cards and messages if your OH cannot have telephone or other contact?

I have a friend who found out when she was 9 that her dad was not her real dad. When it all came out contact was dropped and her sibblings carried on seeing him but she was excluded. This was the only dad she had known since she was 6 months old. The dad did know he was not the biological dad as he married her mum when the little girl was 2 and adopted her.

She has always been very hurt by being dropped like this.

If you stepson has always had a good relationship with your OH I would urge you to try and continue the visitation and do everything you can to maintain it. Although I understand that you do not want to put the child in difficult situation now in case this is damaging now, in the long run it will be better for his son to continue the relationship.

Is your OH going to continue paying maintenance or is there another father on the scene now? its none of my business but if you OH still wishes to be his father he should continue to pay the child support.

monicaj

pinkshoes wrote: »

What sort of woman tells a 10 year old that his dad is not his dad, then tries to cut contact??? This is one sick person you're dealing with.

But it's not her who's important. It's the boy, and he should carry on as he did before, sending cards/presents, talking on the phone, and meeting up.

Send things recorded delivery so you know they've been received.

Thanks PS - recorded delivery is definately on the cards

monicaj

homeaway wrote: »

If you are sure that the presents will arrive safely then i would send them, otherwise you could send a card and open up a savings account for him so that in time to come when things have calmed down there will be a nice little nest egg for him to spend.

Hi and thanks

There is a risk that he may never get to see the gifts, we have thought about putting his birthday money into his savings account which he has with his dad but would prefer to give him a present. I think the important thing here is that we need him to know that "daddy" is really really missing him, wants him to have a nice birthday present and just to know that OH still sees him has his "son" without messing with his head - OMG I could cry ..............

TotallyBroke

With Easter being this weekend could your OH not just go to the house, knock on the door and give him his birthday present and Easter egg.

It would show the child that he does still care and want contact. Especially if you knock early in the morning at breakfast time. It will also show him if the child does want contact. If the child doesn't then have a pre written letter that tells him how much he is still loved and wanted and if he ever changed his mind you will be waiting.

monicaj

princessamy86 wrote: »

Could you make sure the presents get there via a grandparent/other family member? Even if the ex won't allow contact, I'm sure it will mean a lot to the little boy that the effort has been made. I totally agree that you shouldn't back off totally just because horrible ex is a moo.

That's a really good idea and I'm not dismissing it, we would really really like to think this is an option but under the circumstances I think it would be unfair to ask someone to be a messenger (apart from the postman!) especially as this is so complex. But then again maybe we need to stop !!!!!footing around her and my hubby should just take a gift for him on his birthday ..........