am I being unreasonable/unflexible?

dipsy

sorry bit long

not sure if anyone can help but I am at the end of my tether.....

partner has 4 (17, 15, 8 & 6) children I have 2 ....(15 & 11)

his youngest 2 live in Kent and he sees them every other weekend, sometimes coming up north and sometimes him stopping down there in a caravan so the children can do activites and to save the drive etc.

some 4/5 weeks ago he was trying to sort out Easter with their mum, as he is at a show in London on the 7th (tuesday) he asked if she could get them to him /train station so he could bring them back up north....

he was bringing them up for a family get together on the Weds and keeping them till the monday and driving them home to Kent on the Monday as we have things planned for Tue/Wed and going away on Thu/Fri to see his eldest daughter in a show in London

anyway Wed this week it has all changed, their mum says she cant get them to the station without taking time off work and will cost her in petrol and congestion Charge, which I can understand and sympathise with.

however she now wants him to drive the 5 hour journey on bank holiday Friday to pick them up and 5 hours back,(and missing the family get together - which is planned for Wed - and she has known about for over 4 weeks), he is possibly going to suggest she meets him 1/2 way as we had another get together planned for Friday and if he has to go all the way there and back it will need to be cancelled. (his brother & SIL are over from Ireland hence all the get togethers in short space of time)

Now she wants him to keep them till the Wed's as she has failed to sort out childcare for the children and will be up north for a works training day on the Weds(15/04), so can meet him and take the children off him, however, she then wants him do a 3 1/2 hour round trip to drop them to a place of her choosing.

my point is that if she has failed to organise herself and we are accomodating her and changing plans etc surely she should come 1/2 hour out of her way and collect the children?? (57 mins added to her journey time in total for round trip)

Total journey time Northampton to proposed pick up– Kent= 5 hours and 24 mins
Total journey time Northamton to us– Kent = 6 hours and 21 mins
us to proposed pick up 1 hour 38 = 3 hours 16 mins round trip


He does not see this at all and tells me I am unflexible.... am I missing a point somewhere....??

I have come to work in tears and totally fed up with the whole thing and have had a right tantrum with him this morning telling him that he can organise what he likes but it wont be happening at our house, I want the children at the house and was looking forward to seeing them, but why do we have to run around her like her flippin servant... I don't see issue with her collecting them....

I am about ready to throw in the towel....


to add into the mix he then is feeling guilty about not seeing his older 2 children and so is trying to sort out seeing them at the weekend also.... maybe I should clear out the shed for them to sleep in......!!!

totally exhausted and stressed with it all, drank too much wine last night which did not help in the slightest,

other pressures going on also like lack of 2nd car so added cost as in has to hire car to collect children.... totally wazzed off.......


(note: we have a 3 bed semi and when his younger 2 stay they sleep on blow up beds in living room )

house suited my needs prior to meeting partner, but now no room and no prospect of bigger place/ext at moment as he is starting new business and money is tight...

busiscoming2

Hi I empathise with your situation, I assume all four of his children are coming together, I would think the two eldest were capable of looking after the younger two? Could they not get a taxi to the local station and ge a train to Victoria/Waterloo and he meet them off the train?
Sorry if I am misunderstanding.

Just re-read your post, obviously elder two are not in Kent!

dipsy

Hi thanks for your reply

His eldest two are by another mum and they live about an hour away from us so it is only the younger 2 that are in kent so they need thier mum to take them to the station or for their dad to pick them up.

only 4 days till proposed pick up of the children and still nothing resolved.....

I am quite an organised person, whereas his ex is anything but and it is driving me nuts, to think that this has to be this way for the next 10 years or so until the children are old enough to get on a train.....

Mrs_Moc

When I split with my eldest childs dad, it was always his responsibility to pick her up and drop her off. He lived 4 hours away, so was an 8 hour journey for him.

On occassions I would meet him 1/2 way if he was stuck or really needed me too. This meant me driving 4 hours and was certainly not something I was going to do on a regular basis, but being a nice person I helped out if needed.

I think the responsibiity lies with your partner, its his time with the kids, his responsibility, why should the mother be out of money and time so your partner can have his time with his kids?

skintchick

I got a bit confused by all the detail, but I think both parents should meet halfway. I dont; think the mum should have to use her holiday but I also don;t think your partner should have to drive for ten hours in a day!

dipsy

Mrs_Moc wrote: »

When I split with my eldest childs dad, it was always his responsibility to pick her up and drop her off. He lived 4 hours away, so was an 8 hour journey for him.


Did he move away or did you.......??


On occassions I would meet him 1/2 way if he was stuck or really needed me too. This meant me driving 4 hours and was certainly not something I was going to do on a regular basis, but being a nice person I helped out if needed.

How often does he do the journey does he have them every other weekend, what sort of holiday periods does he have them for....

how does he manage the journey every other weekend ie time out off work etc?
I think the responsibiity lies with your partner, its his time with the kids, his responsibility, why should the mother be out of money and time so your partner can have his time with his kids?

I think you have missed the point..... he had arranged to bring them up on the Tuesday (7th) and take them home on the Monday (13th), however she has messed up her child care cover yet again and she has no cover for the Tue/Wed and so wants him to extend his time with the children and then meet up at a place of her choosing to hand the children back to her....

He is being accomodating to her by extending the time when he really should be working on his business to try and bring some money in to pay for the times he has the children (car hire/caravan hire for accomodation /food etc for when he stays in Kent because she has arranged this or that activity on his weekend costing him an average of £500 a month just to see his children because she moved them to Kent)

Pssst

Hang on...all i see here are two lots of parents getting very frustrated about parental access arrangements and an underlying suggestion that both sides have hidden agendas and are deliberatly trying to !!!!!! up eachothers Easter arrangements!

What i dont hear is what the kids want.

They are being torn between two parties like two lions fighting over a leg of lamb.


The children have lives too and they need to know that both partners love and care for them equally,that there is no question of taking sides and retribution and that they can say what THEY would like to do. Once that is settled,both parties need to fit with it. Job done.

On no account should children feel guilty for seeming to favour one arrangement over another.

dipsy

the children love their time with their dad and equally love their time with their mum I am sure, they enjoy coming up to visit family and friends in the North of England and seeing their 1/2 brother and sister that live up in the north....

the children know they are loved and cared for, that is not in question....

what the question was really was is it reasonable whilst helping thier mum out because of her lack of organisation yet again, changing all plans around to accommodate, to expect it to all be on her terms... ie cost implications/time etc etc and the fact this impacts on everyone else around...


the children are not being torn apart ..... they are unaware of any of these arrangements, so there is no debate about the children it is about her wanting her cake and eating it...

I have two children and I manage to sort things out with their dad without any agro because we give and take, however my partners ex does all the taking and no giving unless she has a hidden agenda and it totally P***** me off to be blunt!!!

Life does not need to be that difficult

Mrs_Moc

dipsy wrote: »

I think you have missed the point..... he had arranged to bring them up on the Tuesday (7th) and take them home on the Monday (13th), however she has messed up her child care cover yet again and she has no cover for the Tue/Wed and so wants him to extend his time with the children and then meet up at a place of her choosing to hand the children back to her....

He is being accomodating to her by extending the time when he really should be working on his business to try and bring some money in to pay for the times he has the children (car hire/caravan hire for accomodation /food etc for when he stays in Kent because she has arranged this or that activity on his weekend costing him an average of £500 a month just to see his children because she moved them to Kent)

In my case it was he who moved so far away, though that was only to where he was from, we met at uni, then set up home in my birth town. He broke up with me, because he was from the countryside and wanted to move back there.

I do agree with you on not being pleased at the change in arrangements/extended stay. My ex often did this, by dropping her home earlier than agreed. I then had to frantically find childcare for work as no arrangements were in place.

It got easier as she got older now 14, she can get the bus/train. When he did the travelling it was once a month, and she went for most school holidays and twice over the summer at 2 weeks each time.

Work was never an issue for him, he was self employed taxi driver.

We always seen it though as his responsibiity in picking her up and dropping off, but changes in plans always pee'ed me right off, as it was I who always ended up rearranging everything. He would drop her off at my mums while I was at work with no warning at all, often while she was in tears at her time with him being curtailed.

dipsy

.

I do agree with you on not being pleased at the change in arrangements/extended stay. My ex often did this, by dropping her home earlier than agreed. I then had to frantically find childcare for work as no arrangements were in place.

Yikes that would be awful, he never takes them back early... loves his time with them...

It got easier as she got older now 14, she can get the bus/train. When he did the travelling it was once a month, and she went for most school holidays and twice over the summer at 2 weeks each time.

Work was never an issue for him, he was self employed taxi driver.

but I guess he still took time out of work to collect etc - costing him wages

We always seen it though as his responsibiity in picking her up and dropping off, but changes in plans always pee'ed me right off, as it was I who always ended up rearranging everything. He would drop her off at my mums while I was at work with no warning at all, often while she was in tears at her time with him being curtailed.[/quote]

He has no issue picking/droping off ordinarily, but then if she wants extended stay because she has not organised her self why should he then run around the country ??? she has a work commitment up this end of the country and whilst I am agreeable to the children staying I think she should then come and pick them up.

and it was her that decided to move to the end of the country and take the children so I feel she needs to recognise this and be more reasonable

oystercatcher

It sounds like OH is happy with the arrangement though . The only one getting upset is you ! He and Ex are being flexible and arranging things to suit them both, it's up to them to compromise between each other. If OH isn't happy to do the long drive then surely he can discuss this with Ex himself.

If you take on someone with four children then the children have to come first I'm afraid. You get the leftovers! You have to put your own two first and OH gets your leftovers! Eventually the children grow up and then you finally get some quality time!

Oystercatcher