Teenage & Parent Contract

Chuzzle

Hi Sorry for the long post...hope its in the right place.

I am just about fed up to the back teeth with DS1. He will be 16 in August and is currently doing his GCSE’s. He’s not academically minded at all and has always rebelled against school work to a certain degree. Well today is the final straw. He was ill during the night and woke with a stomach ache this morning, I allowed him the day off school while I went to work. We agreed he’d use the time to catch up on his DT Coursework which needs to be in this week. DS1 rang me a couple of hours ago to say his teacher had phoned him and told him that his coursework needs to be in today or else he fails the course. He point blank refuses to go in and hand it in himself as he still has stomach ache and has been sick this morning a couple of times. So muggings here is going to spend my lunch time walking the couple of miles or so from work, to home then onto school then back to work. I know I should’ve set more rules up in places earlier in his life to prevent things like this happening but when DH doesn’t really do much to help you kind of feel why should I do it all by myself.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to try a contract signed by my son and me to try and get back on track. He is hopefully going to college for the next 3 years and I would like home life to be somewhat happier than it has been.

Please can you help me with suggestions of what I should expect of my son? Also an unbiased opinion of the situation from 15/16 year olds would be helpful as well.

Thanks for reading this

Marcheline

Hi, I was a total nightmare at that age too (I'm 23 now) towards my mum in particular (my dad wanted a quiet life and just let me and my mum get on with it!) I just think all teenagers are fairly horrible to their parents, but if you lay down the law then I think they'll treat you better. Anyway, you have 3 courses of action as I see it:

1) assuming you believe his stomach ache is as atrocious as he is making out, then you do as planned and hand his work in for him, using up your lunch hour

2) again, assuming you believe his stomach ache is as atrocious as he is making out, but if you really want to teach him to sort himself out and respect you more, then call him and tell him you will get a cab to and from work/your house and then onto his school, but you want him to pay for your cab because of his lack of respect etc

3) assuming you think he's trying to pull a fast one with the stomach ache, tell him life is tough and he best go hand his work in himself because you're not his skivvy

I would be inclined to go for option 2, but then only you will know how your son will respond to that. Consistency is needed so once you decide on a course of action, stick to it, whatever he comes out with!!

smartpicture

You say he's not academically minded at all, then say he will be going to college for 3 years, so I don't really understand that part. It sounds like you're struggling to get him to do the minimum required for his GCSEs, ie actually handing in the coursework when it's due (and by the way, for the teacher to say hand it in today even though you're ill or you will fail, I suspect the original deadline was actually some time ago). So do you really want to spend the next 3 years nagging and pushing him to do a college course?

Is it him or you that wants him to go to college? I would be inclined to put in the contract the minimum you expect from him in terms of GCSE work, and if he fails to meet those standards then you won't be subsidising him at college and he will have to go out and get a job.

A contract sounds a good idea, but only if he believes you mean what you say. Good luck.

TheEffect

I'm 18 and writing this from an unbiased point of view.

Being 16, it maybe time for him to grow up a little. Try and not mother him so much and let him take the consequences that follow his actions. In the situation that you noted, I would have just said 'Fine, take it into school yourself, or fail, it's up to you' and I would be 90% sure he would get up and take it to school, or speak to his teacher himself on the phone. When you call a teenagers bluff, they are left unsure and think that they need to actually do it themselves.

I was the same as your son at 16, but quickly realized over the year (year 11) that I either do the work, or fail, and it's my future that I'm playing with here. I managed to walk away with 5 A-C GCSE's and a GNVQ in ICT, and got into 6th From where I'm currently in my last year (year 13) and off to University.

As for being ill, if you have any feelings at all that he's pulling a fast one, then send him to school. I have a part-time job while I go to 6th form and if I'm ill, I can't just drop work and stay at home, I've got to lump it and go, otherwise I'll have to face the consequences which would be getting sacked.

Be harsher on him, let him make mistakes. He's an adult in 2 years and now, he should be responsible enough to sort out his own life in regards to school and education.

libbyc3

sounds very similar to my ds when he was doing GCSE's - in the end i decided the only one of us that was getting stressed by his lack of motivation to do anything towards passing was me! so I decided to stop.
easier said than done.
He got worse before better - I'd love to tell it all came right and he passed them all but of course that didn't happen - he wasn't used to taking responsibility for his own work so didn't know how to.
after failing most of them and wasting most of the next year doing nothing he has finally realised his life is his responsibility and woken up!
believe me laying off him was not the easy option, but boy did i realise how little he actually did for himself without my boot up his bum - a situation which could not have continued indefinately.
a contract sounds like a good idea, but with clear consequences if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain - without you having to nag constantly.

Kaz2904

It really is best to call a halt to this sort of thing now and just step back. He may well fail everything and then have to retake everything or decide what to do but that could be the making of him.
What is it that he wants to do at college? It may not be an academic course but it may be that he realises he has to buckle down and get his grades to get in to do this course.
Just remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink!

I do feel sorry for him though having a stomach bug because you don't want to do anything when you're that poorly!

bestpud

Wow, he has you well and truly wrapped around his little finger doesn't he?

It is obvious his stomach is not that bad, or neither of you would be agreeing he must use the time to do course work!!

He has not learnt to take responsibility for his actions because you have always stepped in and taken over. He knew he'd reached the end of the line with that piece of coursework and hoped it would be fine if he was 'ill', but it didn't work because his teacher got on the phone.

So he, rather than getting off his butt and getting the work in, calls the cavalry, and in she charges.

You may have been cheesed off and you may have had a bit of a go at him, but it will have been water off a duck's back because he was only interested in you doing as you were told, like a good little mummy, and taking his work into school for him.

There is no way I would do what you did today I'm afraid. He'd have been told to get the work in or fail and I'd have made it very clear who was failing and whose life chances may be affected.

Seriously, step away from his school work; you are doing him no favours whatsoever!

If he fails, then so be it. It is his life and he must learn to face consequences.

As parents we are there to encourage our children all the way, but when we start taking full responsibility for their school work, something has gone very wrong.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

I hope the contract works but personally I feel it is more of the same. You simply cannot keep pushing him, kicking and screaming, in the direction you want him to go. When will you stop? Will you wake him up for work in the morning or go to interviews with him when he is 30?

leiela

You say he's struggling with school and isn't academic?? but at the same time you say he's going to college??

who's idea is the college idea?? does he want to go to college if he wants to go then surely he must realise that "failin" isn't an option?? like someone else said i think the teacher much be at the end of thier witt with this assignment to say something like "hand it in or fail??"

I really don't know the situation, so don't take this the wrong way.. but is it your idea that he's go's to college? maybe he doens't want that ??

Personally it sounds like your doing to much for him, perhaps it's time to let him do things on his own including failing his course if thats what he chooses, but don't make life easy for him.

He'll finish school shortly let him know that if he fails and doens't go to college then he WILL be expected to work and pay bills, don't let him live off you and benifits.

i lived 100% compleately on my own at 16 and i did fine, i made some bad decisions quit college and it was about 6 years later working dead end jobs (i had no gcse's either) before i realised that this really WASN'T the life for me, and got my butt back into college, i've now got a degree and im in a pretty nice job with a bright future.. sure i'm "behind" in my career but i'll catch up eventually.

My path wasn't the easy option, i wouldn't recommend anyone trys to play catch up later in life but sometimes kids NEED to make some bad decisions and SEE how they effect thier lives before they realise they need to sort themselves out especially if Mum or dad has a tendency to bail them out.

Chuzzle

Morning everyone

Thanks for all your thoughts on this.

Here's what happened yesterday.. . . .

I went home at lunchtime and did take his work in for him, but only because he was very ill (I was witness to him being ill and it wasn't faked). He had managed to get most of it done and will hand the final piece in this morning.
We had a very long discussion last night about his behaviour and he has agreed it isn't right. We haven't done a contract as he didn't think he'd be able to hold his part. He has a part time job which he has had for nearly two years, he found this all by himself as he doesn't get paid pocket money because he doesn't "earn" it at home...ie doesn't help out with any jobs round the house, nor does he keep his bedroom tidy. I don't wash his clothes for him or tidy his room (haven't done for 18months now). I do one meal for the whole family and if he doesn't like it or want it then he gets his own tea. So in fairness I don't think I am that soft on him. I do ask him every night if he has any homework to do and he shows me his homework diary. If there is stuff to be done I will suggest he does it there and then but if he doesn't then its down to him the consequences and he has had detention on a regular basis (at least once a week) for the last 2 or so years and still it does nothing to get him going.

Regarding college, he goes to the college now through his school on a one day a week release and throughly loves it. He is doing an animal care NVQ and will continue on to a first diploma in animal care. I have never pushed him into college at all this is all his own idea. I have always made it clear that it will mean loads of hard work in order for him to suceed. He wants to be a zoo keeper or RSPCA inspector.

We have both agreed that he will not be going into the City with his friends at the weekends anymore until AFTER his last exam and he was happy to agree to this. He has set a reminder on his phone to go and see his ICT teacher at morning break as this is the other lot of coursework he is behind with. So we shall see what happens.

DS2 (11) is completely the opposite of this and panics if he hasn't got all the details of his homework written down! I am sooooo hoping he doesn't change and become like his older brother. He goes to high school in September.

Maybe in 5 years time I'll report back and say both boys are successful..who knows.

bestpud

Ruthibe73 wrote: »

Morning everyone

Thanks for all your thoughts on this.

Here's what happened yesterday.. . . .

I went home at lunchtime and did take his work in for him, but only because he was very ill (I was witness to him being ill and it wasn't faked). He had managed to get most of it done and will hand the final piece in this morning.
We had a very long discussion last night about his behaviour and he has agreed it isn't right. We haven't done a contract as he didn't think he'd be able to hold his part. He has a part time job which he has had for nearly two years, he found this all by himself as he doesn't get paid pocket money because he doesn't "earn" it at home...ie doesn't help out with any jobs round the house, nor does he keep his bedroom tidy. I don't wash his clothes for him or tidy his room (haven't done for 18months now). I do one meal for the whole family and if he doesn't like it or want it then he gets his own tea. So in fairness I don't think I am that soft on him. I do ask him every night if he has any homework to do and he shows me his homework diary. If there is stuff to be done I will suggest he does it there and then but if he doesn't then its down to him the consequences and he has had detention on a regular basis (at least once a week) for the last 2 or so years and still it does nothing to get him going.

Regarding college, he goes to the college now through his school on a one day a week release and throughly loves it. He is doing an animal care NVQ and will continue on to a first diploma in animal care. I have never pushed him into college at all this is all his own idea. I have always made it clear that it will mean loads of hard work in order for him to suceed. He wants to be a zoo keeper or RSPCA inspector.

We have both agreed that he will not be going into the City with his friends at the weekends anymore until AFTER his last exam and he was happy to agree to this. He has set a reminder on his phone to go and see his ICT teacher at morning break as this is the other lot of coursework he is behind with. So we shall see what happens.

DS2 (11) is completely the opposite of this and panics if he hasn't got all the details of his homework written down! I am sooooo hoping he doesn't change and become like his older brother. He goes to high school in September.

Maybe in 5 years time I'll report back and say both boys are successful..who knows.

Good luck with it. Be prepared to alter things slightly if it doesn't work out for whatever reason though.

I was told by a psychologist once that inflexibility can be the downfall of parent/child contracts. I don't know if it's right or not though, just thought I'd mention it in case!

Your youngest may well stay as he is - different personalities and all that.

And hopefully they will both be successful, as his career (whatever he chooses) may well suit him better than school; education is not for everyone.

Just, please, stop fretting about it. Step back and encourage rather than nag and he may respond better (I know my dd's dig their heels in if I keep on about something but maybe that's a girl thing :rolleyes:).

In any case, even if he completely messes up his exams, it does not mean his life is over.

shortbread

I think stepping back a little so your son can realise he is in control of his own destiny! He has to grasp the of ownership of his schoolwork and education. He thrives in an environment where he feels comfortable, it is great he is using this and hopefully will forge a career from it.

Of course as parents we want to be there to support our children, and offer them guidance that will hopefully set them off into adulthood.

I have a 16 year old son, and I guess I am lucky, he is a well balanced, well behaved young adult who respects myself and other adults.He knows full well what expectations I have of him regarding his GSCE's and more importantly he knows that he is doing the exams for him, not me. I work as a counsellor and a Learning Mentor and I see full well the extent of the pressure put onto students from themselves, school/college and parents. It is not an easy ride growing up , as we all know and I truly believe that if a child is shown that they are valued regardless of any situation then they can potentially see for themselves how better a positive future will be.

If your son will benefit from this contract then why not..............just bear in mind that even though it can help him, it may add an intense amount of pressure. I agree the flexibility is paramount, when we live a life of being told WE MUST or WE SHOULD we lose our ability to think for ourself and become who we truly want to be.

Good luck, glad to see he has taken a look and realised that as his mother you are doing what you can to encourage him to grow