Marriage separation - housing question

racheyg

bob79 wrote: »

The (ex) husband will also need to live somewhere. The added cost of that could very well mean that they cannot afford to keep the current house.

You're assuming that the OP will get custody of the children. That is highly likely with the blatantly sexist family courts, but not a certainty.

This is not helpful. You're just trying to stir up an argument, which the OP isn't asking for.

Ladybird20

my freind through court got her ex out of the house.He still had to pay the mortgage for her and there child to stay in...also when the house got sold he got not a penny..all went to her????????you need legal advice go and book to see a solicitor. xx

racheyg

Broken - when I split up with my husband, I was offered a £19,000 mortgage based on my income. He was offered a £600,000 one :rotfl:

We have never been to court, except to take papers to get divorced. We agreed everything out of court and have stuck rigidly to the financial agreement. If we need to go to court in future we will of course, but 6 years on and things are OK.

You will both be happier if you settle out of court. And DONT get the CSA involved unless you have to!

Broken_2

Thank you all so much for your responses. I get the message loud and clear, I need to seek legal advice and get some understanding of our finances. I will suggest that we stay in our house for the time being then, at least while things are so up in the air. I intend to always keep things amicable and I am sure that he would too, there's nothing to be gained by being spiteful. Who knows, we may sort it out at Relate? Thanks again all.

racheyg

Good luck Broken. Stay friendly whatever happens, it's best for the kids xx

margaretclare

Broken wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your responses. I get the message loud and clear, I need to seek legal advice and get some understanding of our finances. I will suggest that we stay in our house for the time being then, at least while things are so up in the air. I intend to always keep things amicable and I am sure that he would too, there's nothing to be gained by being spiteful. Who knows, we may sort it out at Relate? Thanks again all.

You absolutely do need to get some understanding of your domestic finances. You wrote that you had never been involved in this area of your family's life and are completely ignorant. This is a very vulnerable and dangerous state to be in. It's the kind of thing one commonly hears from older widows, not usually among younger people. 'He paid for everything and only gave me housekeeping' is what one hears from (some of) the older generation. Result: they're left alone and are floundering, not even knowing about the direct debits for electricity and gas. You need to find out these things! Ask him where the most recent statements are!

You also mentioned that your husband isn't happy. Ending a marriage is a serious thing and it really should depend on more than 'just being unhappy'.

RecoveringAlcoholic

I intend to always keep things amicable and I am sure that he would too

Be aware that divorce lawyers have a vested interest in creating conflict where none exists.

Good luck.

tenke

Broken,

I feel for you. Hope this transition is less painful than expected...

I know this must be an awful time for you, but in the end if you separate, this is your chance to get to know how to fight your way through the world with bills, children and professional work.

In my opinion, if you both sell, and both have a little money left to begin again, it is healthier than still being dependent on each other ( kind of stuck in something similar so i talk from experience)

I agree with some advice saying your husband could continue paying the school fees, in the end if he has the better salary or more hours, it is for the sake of the children.

I think you both should try to do as amicably as possible, because the children will always be a link, so it is better to help each other whenever possible.

My heart goes to you, separation is painful.

Hope everything goes better for you:j

LydiaJ

So sorry you are going through this - it's so painful when a marriage ends. I hope Relate works for you - I'd encourage you to give it everything you've got, but I do know from my own experience that if one person has really decided they want out, whatever the other person does usually makes very little difference to that decision.

However, even if it doesn't save the marriage, you can still use the Relate sessions to work out your new no-longer-a-couple-but-still-co-parents relationship. This is important, and I want to echo what others have said - if he's reasonable, then settle everything you can out of court. And yes, start learning about finances in general - this site is a great place to start.

My extra bit of advice is about choosing a solicitor if you do end up separated and the separation progresses to divorce. Find a few friends who've been through this sort of thing, ask them what solicitor they had, whether they'd recommend them, and if so why. Then you can try to get one who will help you to stand for a fair settlement, without racking up huge bills inflaming the conflict between you and your husband.

Broken_2

Thanks all so much for your comments. It really is so comforting. I guess I'll have a better idea of where we stand after our first counselling session on Friday. I am going to make it crystal clear that ALL I want is for him to be honest with himself and with me. Only then will we make real progress, whether in our marriage or sorting out what we do next. I suppose at least I've moved on from being desparate for him to stay with me no matter what - that's no life for either of us.