So, is this it? Drugs, lies and more lies....

MugHead

I've been with my parter on and off for 2 years now. I say on and off because i have found him to be a liar on multiple occasions and he moved out for some time while we stayed in contact throughout.

The lies to begin with were that he wanted to get back with his ex as he missed his children, and eventually they tried again but failed a few weeks later.

All the while he insisted i was always the one, and that he couldn't live without me etc - even though we had some huge arguments, mainly revolving around the other girls i'd caught him messaging online and via text, aswell as his ex. He's said lots of things in anger about how i'll never be as good for him as his ex, and these things have stuck with me for a while.

We decided to try again and back he came, moved in with me. Things have been great until the last few weeks, he's been aggressive and we've been arguing continuously.

We went to Relate which i felt was okay but didn't really solve anything (it was just an initial session though), the counsellor basically confirmed that he was looking for the comfort his ex brought him and i wasn't delivering.

The last 48 hours have been the worst for arguing and today when he was out i went snooping and found around 10 bottles (most empty) of methadone in his suitcases, along with a woman's top, which he's since claimed to be his mothers. (Sorry but i don't believe she's such a small dress size).

I knew that 10 years ago he'd had a heroin addiction, but he'd said he's been clean until last year when he said he didn't take heroin, but something else (i forget the name, i think they call them "subs"??).

I feel betrayed and angry and mostly, upset. I've told him it's over but deep down i don't want it to be (because i keep clinging onto how happy we've been), but i can't see how i can ever trust him again, especially given the past where he's consistently blamed me for the way he's treat me. Today he even had the cheek to blame me for him hiding the methadone.

This means he's been visiting the doctor weekly, and taking his "medicine" daily with me not having a clue about any of it. It worries me that he's such a good liar but it's not the first time i've been lied to. I've never considered myself as naive in the slightest, and something like this, topped with everything over the last few years makes me doubt myself, i feel really low at the moment and genuinely i've never felt so insecure. It's making me hate myself for being so weak. When i was on my own i was fine, now i'm not.

Reading back, i know it looks like i should just get rid, but there's something huge that is stopping me.

I guess i'm here for strength and opinions, and to see if anyone has been on this situation?

lynzpower

Hi there

I didnt want to read and rum, but Im not 100% sure what to say.

As I see the situation its this:

He is methodone user, and has managed to keep this huge issue away from you. Im not really sure how, but then Im wondering if your relationship is realy that close? (Sorry, not sure how to word this) I know hat my OH couldnt hide that from me, because there is honesty & trust in the relationshi, the cornerstone of relationships really IMO. I wonder whether "subs" means "substitution- ie methadone, ( im guessing here, never heardof subs before) Do youthink you really missed this, or was it a lack of understanding and he didnt fill you in? It does seem like you asked him about subs but remained unsure about wht that meant- is that right?

The womans top, you feel hes lying. You are probably right. Youllknow his mums size and why would he have his mums top in a suitcase? You know him better than I do, if you think hes lying he probably is.

He is longing for his ex, and although you have tried to deal with this, and try to get it moved on ( relate)

I feel betrayed and angry and mostly, upset. I've told him it's over but deep down i don't want it to be (because i keep clinging onto how happy we've been), but i can't see how i can ever trust him again, especially given the past where he's consistently blamed me for the way he's treat me. Today he even had the cheek to blame me for him hiding the methadone.

This has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship. Blaming you for something only he has control of ( what he puts in his own body) ios abusive. Are there other things he blames you for? It sounds like he blames you in a way for his relationship with his ex splitting, sounds like someone who cant take responsibility for his own behaviour and actions to me.- does he find tis difficult would you say?

It sounds like you cant break away from him as you are clinging to the positive parts of the past. We have probably all been there, no mattter how briefly. WHat you need to accept is that the past is GONE, and this is the present adn the present being a likely precursor of how things are going to be going forward.

With the greates of respects this sounds like a really pooer relationship, secret drug addiction is a huge isse, trust, cheating, arguing, blame. The first thing you need to accept is that you deserve a lot better than this, and youll have a better life out of this negative relationship. YOu deserve, better, seriously hun xx

Keep posting xxxxxx

Zazen999

So, what IS stopping you?

ailuro2

If you really believe you were happy (you say you keep clinging to how happy you've been) then I have the most wonderful news for you....

THERE'S A WHOLE WIDE WORLD OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU TO BE EVEN HAPPIER.:j

Put your boyfriend to one side for a moment and ask yourself why being in a relationship where someone lies to you, is aggressive, comes and goes, is leaving you in an emotionally bewildered state, is making you happy?

There's so much more to be happy about than that. Have you issues yourself that make you think this is it? There really is a better life than the one you describe.

Learn to love yourself first, and truly believe you deserve so much better than an abusive 'partner' who lies, cheats etc. What's hard to do is to do this while you're with someone who tells you that you're not as good as his ex, it will constantly wear down your self esteem, that unfortunately is deliberate and is meant to keep you thinking he's the best thing since sliced bread and obviously not realising he's just a small mouldy crust compared to what you deserve.

I'd urge you to break off contact with this guy, tell him you need time to think things through. Given a week or two he will have found someone else, and all you'll need to do then is change your phone number.

Best Wishes, today is the first day of the rest of your life, never forget that.;)

margaretclare

You ask: 'Is this it? Drugs, lies and more lies...'

As I understand it, lying is just a way of life for any addict. Their total consciousness is on the next 'fix' and anything or anyone that stands in the way of that 'fix' can be completely disregarded or treated with violence.

I assume by asking: 'Is this it?' you mean 'Is it inevitable that I should have to endure this long-term?' To which the obvious answer is - no, not in any way, shape or form! You are an independent person and can make your own choices and decisions. Also, like all of us, you have one life to live, we're a long time dead, and why should you feel obligated to endure this treatment?

You say he's your 'partner', but 'on and off', and only for 2 years. So there is no commitment on his part - he hasn't asked you to marry him, has he, which would at least be a compliment and a suggestion that he regards your partnership as more permanent than it seems to be otherwise.

I personally could not live with lies. I'd only have to find him out in one lie, not a whole string of them, and that would be that.

I echo what is said above, and it was what my DH said when he got out of a destructive marriage. 'Today is the start of the rest of your life'. I wish you the best.

ladypinkof66

I am sorry Op that you are experiencing this problem i had a similar situation my ex i was seeing for 5 years kept going back to his ex and his son and he was also on drugs he was texting and meeting up with ladies on line etc etc, i put up with it for 5 years and at the end i lost my house, car and self respect, he also was a heroin addict and on meth etc etc, i was £30,000 in debt and now only 9 years later am back on my feet getting married to a lovely man this june and i am so pleased that i am no longer in that situation, he was bleeding me dry with money and also energy.

Please try and move on I know you must love him however I loved my ex too but in the end I had to move on and put it behind me. I know how you must be feeling as I have felt like that too. Take Care

Lilith1980

I can only re-iterate what others have said. I think you need to move on hun, otherwise this relationship is going to drag you down.

Looking at it another way, if your post had been written by another member of MSE, what advice would you give to her?

Bitsy_Beans

If you are clinging to a brief time where you felt happy (are you assuming he wasn't cheating during this time etc) then I think you have your answer. If the bad times are outweighing the good then it's time to move on.

This relationship is toxic. Sure love is great but it doesn't MAKE a relationship. That comes hand in hand with trust, respect, affection and from what you've posted that is in short supply (or indeed non existant).
You can do better and deserve it.

MugHead

Hi and thanks for the replies. Originally i didn't want to say too much because i'm worried about someone i know reading and knowing it's me!

Re the mothers top, he did go back to live with her for a while so it's quite possible the washing was mixed up... But i don't know what to believe.

lynzpower wrote: »

He is methodone user, and has managed to keep this huge issue away from you. Im not really sure how,

I know, this was a huge blow. He tells me now he goes to get it every Monday, and looking back this is the day he leaves me in bed while he takes my child to school. I'm not sure how he's managed to take it everyday without me noticing but he's a grade A liar so anything is possible.

lynzpower wrote: »

This has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship. Blaming you for something only he has control of ( what he puts in his own body) ios abusive. Are there other things he blames you for? It sounds like he blames you in a way for his relationship with his ex splitting, sounds like someone who cant take responsibility for his own behaviour and actions to me.- does he find tis difficult would you say?

He tends to say things like "I wasn't this agressive with ex therefore it must be you". He tries to always be better than other people, and if things go wrong he always looks for blame in other people.

ladypinkof66 wrote: »

I am sorry Op that you are experiencing this problem i had a similar situation my ex i was seeing for 5 years kept going back to his ex and his son and he was also on drugs he was texting and meeting up with ladies on line etc etc, i put up with it for 5 years and at the end i lost my house, car and self respect, he also was a heroin addict and on meth etc etc, i was £30,000 in debt and now only 9 years later am back on my feet getting married to a lovely man this june and i am so pleased that i am no longer in that situation, he was bleeding me dry with money and also energy.

Please try and move on I know you must love him however I loved my ex too but in the end I had to move on and put it behind me. I know how you must be feeling as I have felt like that too. Take Care

Hi thanks for this, this sounds almost identical to my own life, apart from the "bleeding me dry" part. He's bought lots of things for the house and my son and everytime he packs, those things get packed too as he says it's all he has

Zazen999 wrote: »

So, what IS stopping you?

I love him, but i'm beginning to dislike him more and more with each lie. He says he didn't tell me about the drugs as he is doing well at weaning from them with help from his GP and that i "wouldn't understand".

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

If you are clinging to a brief time where you felt happy (are you assuming he wasn't cheating during this time etc) then I think you have your answer. If the bad times are outweighing the good then it's time to move on.

This relationship is toxic. Sure love is great but it doesn't MAKE a relationship. That comes hand in hand with trust, respect, affection and from what you've posted that is in short supply (or indeed non existant).
You can do better and deserve it.

Thanks, i suppose it's just gone so far now and we've always stayed together no matter what he's done to me, that i can't imagine life without him. I keep clinging to hope that he'll go back to the way he was when we were first together, and how i knew him to be the years prior. I saw this side of him early this year but it only last a couple of months....

upsetonerightnow

Hi hun,

When you first got together he kept leaving you for his Ex and Kids so the relationship couldn't of been that good from the start. It sounds to me like your scared of being on your own and thats why you are clinging to the good memories you have together.

If he can take methadone without telling you what else could he be keeping from you maybe another life? why wouldn't you understand if he told you.

Maybe it's time you shocked him into reality that you aren't going to stand for this anymore.

You and your child don't deserve this and deserve to be treated better. If he's been seeing other women txting them and online chatting why did you put up with it?

As for his mum's top why hasn't he returned it then if its hers? Sounds a bit fishy to me. If he lies to you now what is he going to keep lying about in years to come.

It sounds like you love him very much but it doesn't seem like he loves you like you love him.

I hope you manage to get the strength to leave this jerk and get on with your life there is so much out there!

Good luck

Ivrytwr3

i can post loads of advice and links to websites. But the bottom line is why are you with such a waste of skin when you deserve so much more?