Help with 5 year old and discussing death

oldMcDonald

..or rather not discussing it.

Quite recently ( a month or so ago), and within the space of just a few weeks, two elderly relatives that we were very close to died. Both were unwell and in hospital for a while before they died.

We discussed it openly with the children at the time, and answered all questions we were able to.

The past couple of days my youngest, aged 5, has started to ask questions again. He started off asking me when the relatives who died were made, and is asking some strange questions such as asking me if I will look after his body when he dies. I have tried talking to him about it, trying to see if he is worried about death of whether there are some questions that he still wants answered maybe, but as soon as I try to talk to him he puts his hands over his ears and turns away.


I'm not really sure how I should handle this - he seems rather worried when he asks these questions, but does not appear to want to hear my attempt to answer them

Pee

Just to say I feel for you and I think children have a different way of dealing with death, which is very confusing for adults.

I once met a lady who did bereavement counselling and specialised in young children, so there are people out there if it continues to be a problem.

Catti

A colleague of mine lost her DIL recently and was faced with helping her GD(5) deal with it. I know she took help from http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/

It may give you some pointers.

pinkpig08

When my grandma died 3 years ago (gosh it doesn't seem that long), we told DS that she was a star up in the sky. I remember when we were on holiday the same year, and we saw a bright star in the sky which we said was great-grandma. So DS waved and said hello!

He did ask questions a few months ago, he said that when he died, then other children would be having his toys. I explained that usually a person is very old when they die (not getting into illness etc yet as he is only 6), so he probably wouldn't have had toys for along time anyway. Then he said 'so grandad hasn't got long left then!'

It's an awful thing to try and explain to children, in fact he also said that when he dies he wants me to bury him in the back garden. I'm so glad we were in the car and he couldn't see the tears that were streaming down my face.

I would just go along with the questions he asks, and answer them as simply as you can. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then wait until he asks you something. But I know it's difficult.

silvercar

Children often assume that anyone who is an adult is "old" and therefore may not appreciate that there is a significant age difference between the elderly and young parents. Maybe he needs reassurance that generally one generation outlives the next.

little_evo

My son is 6 years old and we have recently been dealing with this as his nanny died. We got all sorts of questions like 'if I get on a rocket can I go visit nanny?' And he was very worried about us dying and so has told me that when he grows up he is never going to leave home.

We do all we can to reassure him and tell him his nanny does miss him and he recently has sent a balloon to heaven with a special message inside he wrote for his nanny to read which has seemed to help. Best of luck to you it's so hard to explain it sometimes.

SugarSpun

oldMcDonald wrote: »

The past couple of days my youngest, aged 5, has started to ask questions again. He started off asking me when the relatives who died were made, and is asking some strange questions such as asking me if I will look after his body when he dies. I have tried talking to him about it, trying to see if he is worried about death of whether there are some questions that he still wants answered maybe, but as soon as I try to talk to him he puts his hands over his ears and turns away.

It sounds to me as though he isn't asking for answers so much as reassurance. Try telling him that you will always look after him and that he'll be very old when he dies (like his relatives, who were fifty whole years older than Mummy and Daddy) and you will always love him right up till then and even after.

Small ones are sensitive to what they perceive as being fobbed off, and if he's looking to be told that he'll always be safe then any answer that isn't, "Of course, my love, always," isn't going to be the right one. They're both simpler and more complicated than we think.

Filey

On March 30th on CBBC and March 31st on BBC1 there is a programme called 'Gone', about how young children deal with death. I don't know the times. I assume that as the programme is being shown on CBBC it is suitable for young children to watch. My 10 yo grand daughter, who lives with me and her mother, is going to watch it. She was very reluctant at first as she would prefer not to think about death at all even though we have always discussed it in a matter of fact way when the subject has arisen. However she has come round to saying she will watch it. I hope it helps.

oldMcDonald

Thank you all for your replies.

The ideas for pointing out stars in the sky and sending messages in balloons are really lovely, and may be helpful for one or two of our other children as well.

I think that the replies saying he is looking for reassurance are right, I will definitely follow your ideas sugarspun and silvercar.

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply.

oldMcDonald

Filey - sorry, we cross posted.

Thank you for your reply. We don't have a TV, but I will email the BBC to see if they are going to place it on BBCi after it has been shown, if not then I will make sure we are visiting someone when it is on - it does sound like it will be a helpful programme to watch with the children.

bylromarha

Programme sounds great, but think I'll record in order to vet first.

4 yr old lost his grandpa 2 weeks ago, coping fine. Know he'll ask when he wants to.

I went to my dads funeral aged 3 and whilst I had lots of questions, mum answered them honestly and in child friendly language-I still remember asking her things aged 10 about his death.

What I'm saying is take the lead from him. All the best.