Help with 5 year old and discussing death

tiamai_d

DS1 is 7 and luckily the only death he has experienced is much loved pets.

But he is forever asking questions about death and Jesus and heaven. I think it's natural curiosity. Morbid at times! I try to answer them as honestly as possible. Very accurate as to what happens to 'the body' after death, burial or cremation while attempting to combine his beleifs of heaven and Jesus with my own Pagan beleifs. Basically when soemone dies, their spirit goes to heaven or becomes a star or becomes a part of the trees and grass depending on what that person wanted. Also he is forming his own set of beleifs which are different from mine but I am trying to teach him that people can have different beleifs but that's ok and they can work together.

foreign_correspondent

I think he just needs reassurance, and probably not too much information- I think he needs to know that he will always be loved and looked after, and that's probably about all for now (and that he is not going anywhere until he is a very old man!)

When kids start to realise their own mortality it can be really worrying for them, but at his age, too much info will probably just add to the anxieties.

lilly81

When my mum was dying I found a great book called Mogs Goodbye. It was very sweet and helped him, I also explained that people die and babies are born and thats the way life is.
I hope this helps
Lilly X

Toothsmith

lilly81 wrote: »

When my mum was dying I found a great book called Mogs Goodbye. It was very sweet and helped him, I also explained that people die and babies are born and thats the way life is.
I hope this helps
Lilly X

I think that's the best you can do.

I'm not one for making up stories about stars, or God or anything. If you don't believe it, kids will see through that, and the questions just get more awkward and the answers more convoluted.

My wife's sister died at 42 4 yrs ago. At school there is a memorial garden to a pupil who died at 9. Their Grandma has had 3 strokes and recovered pretty well. Our 40 yr old next door neighbour is in and out of hospital with a nasty leaukaemia that he may or may not get better from. He has 2 young boys. Just down the road, on our dog walk there has been a sheep lain dead for a couple of days that the farmer's not got around to moving yet.

Death is all around kids, and you need to be honest with them. But use terms they understand.

Curious_George_2

ive always liked this.....


A Parable Describing Death As A Transition to A Better Afterlife

-The Story of the Dragonfly-


Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went." And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

Jammygal

Winston's wish is definately the way to go as they specialise in child bereavement. They run a fantastic helpline and will send books / leaflets to assist you. As Toothsmith says it is vital you are honest and try to answer questions as truthfully as possible.
Also be careful with your turn of phrase as children will not understand words such as 'passed away' . Be honest and try to keep it simple.
The dragonfly tale is excellent. I gave this story to my friend for her two boys when her husband was killed in an rta last year.

Filey

Toothsmith wrote

"I'm not one for making up stories about stars, or God or anything. If you don't believe it, kids will see through that, and the questions just get more awkward and the answers more convoluted."

I agree.

I tell my grand daughter that we all go back to being stardust, which strictly speaking is true - big bang, universe, formation of stars and planets, earth, basic elements etc. We all, in the far far distant past, originated as cosmic dust. And it is nice to think we are star dust. According to their age they will take from it what comforts them.