posting as a last resort - please help! (long)

suewiththeblues

hi all

dont know if i should be posting here or on DFW -guess its a combination of both but gotta post somewhere as i am on te verge of killing someone or just walking away and leaving it all behind. today really feels like the day i have cracked

i lost my job 6 months ago which was a huge blow to me as it had followed 6 months of heavy stress ending in my decision to leave (before i was sacked to be exact) in doing so i lost quite a few 'friends' and support, as well as a huge chunk of my confidence. i had also isolated myself from a lot of people as i tried to deal with it all on my own.

i have also been trying to tackle my debt for several years now which has been one long slog in itself and i was on a DMP till i lost my job at which point i decided it was best to try and make settlement offers to creditors. this has resulted in 6 months of non stop phone calls and threatening letters etc which is ongoing.

as a single parent i have an 18 year old son who, just before i lost my job failed all his AS levels (so that was uni out the window) and more panic trying to find him something useful to do. he took on an apprenticeship (i knew he was not 100% happy with it but he convinced everyone he loved it) he was adamant he would not re-sit the year or the exams as he was never one for studying which is why the apprenticeship appealed to him in the first place.

he has now virtually dropped out of college which i am ashamed to say has worried me not only because he shows no inclination to do anything with his life, but am stressed about the impact on my benefits, it is hard enough coping without losing more money. i have explained and asked him to hold off dropping out of college until at least i am back to work so that the impact is not so huge as i just cant take any more stress but he keeps finding excuses not to go. i dont want to end up blaming him for me having to struggle anymore as i have had to struggle for 18 years (his dad died before he was born)

i have a job offer which i am waiting confirmation on pending references and police checks (should add i was devastated when a previous job offer was withdrawn in november due to bad references) in additin to this it is going to be 1.5-2hours travel each way and is significantly less money than my previous job (so the struggle will continue!) but its gotta be better than no job

i guess i should say that my days just feel like never ending worrying myself sick about bills, debts and work and that i cant cope. my son and i used to be so close but it feels like the relationship has deteriorated dramatically the past year to the point where he used to be the reason i did everything, but now it feels like living with someone who just doesnt care! i dont think it helps that we have both been in this tiny flat together for 6 months either.

in the long run, i do have the view that he should make his own choices and do what he is happy with and that college and uni is not the be all and end all but it does hurt that he doesnt stick to anything and doesnt accept any advice.

i read another post on here today that advised to another person that he should start paying his way (he has a weekend pub job which so far he has managed to keep) but a part of me wants him to have an easier life than i did (i was kicked out at 16) so it wouldnt rest easy with me but at the same time i am thinking 'if he knows the impact leaving college will have on me why should i pick up the pieces at this worst point in my life?'

if anyone has any advice i will gladly listen as i have had enough of it all! i think my friends and family are really sick of hearing me being down and would just like to hear some god news for a change from me. everything feels like pressure the past year, why wont it just let up a bit?

Sweetpeanut

Poor you (((((hugs))))), for you, i thought previous employers were not allowed, to give bad references? sorry im a bit light on advice, but im sure some-one with lots of experience will come along and help you on this board, they are a lovely bunch, don't beat yourself up, you seem a lovely person, don't let things upset you, sorry not got any good advice, but chin up;)

suewiththeblues

thanks, the reference was legally what they could get away with, not detailed enough but certainly unhelpful enough to make them withdraw their offer :rolleyes:

am just having one of those weepy days, i guess when everything gets on top of you

epsilondraconis

I think it would be worth posting your statement of affairs (SOA) on the Debt Free Wannabee forum i.e. your income and outgoings. You'll hopefully get some good feedback.

Regarding the college / uni route for your son, I think he needs to make his own decision. The main thing is that you have given him your advice and explained to him why you have recommended that route.

In terms of extra money, you could always ask you son to give you some money for housekeeping to help out. Say that you are not doing this because you want him to leave, you are doing this because you need the money and to help him when the day comes when he does leave.

Do you have any family members you can confide in.

Moreover, are you able to get some part time work at the weekends to help with the debts?

Keep posting...

epsilondraconis

I always try to take the positives out of any situation. Okay, things are very tough for you at the moment, but if you stay focused and try to stay happy in yourself, there will be a day some timein the future where you will look back and feel damn proud of yourself because you got through it. Situations like this can be used to make you a stronger, more confident and happier person; however the key is to not let every little thing get you down.

I know its tough, but sometimes you have to start fighting back and say to yourself that you won't let it beat you.

Chin up eh...

amersall

Sweetpeanut wrote: »

Poor you (((((hugs))))), for you, i thought previous employers were not allowed, to give bad references? sorry im a bit light on advice, but im sure some-one with lots of experience will come along and help you on this board, they are a lovely bunch, don't beat yourself up, you seem a lovely person, don't let things upset you, sorry not got any good advice, but chin up;)

yes your right. an employer is not allowed to give you a bad reference, but they can decline giving one at all

suewiththeblues

thanks guys i actually felt a bit better just writing it down and am determined that tomorrow will not feel as upsetting as today.

you are right on 2 things: i am to make my son pay rent, if only because it takes some of the pressure off me just now, and that he has to make his own decisions - he does anyway as nothing i say sinks in -he just says 'yes mum' and goes off to his room. i am also going to make him start doing his own housework - ironing and cooking etc as i feel like a machine right now that everyone wants a piece of

the rest of my family have always been very proud of the way i raised him on my own and that he turned out so well, just the past 6 months he has been playing me up like this and our relationship has become quite empty. i feel embarrased to say to them how i feel about it all, mainly cos i have tried to improve it and it hasnt had any effect, and it would mean admitting that to myself and because i guess my life has been so focussed on him and making sure he is ok. my mum and i had a volatile realtionship and she does like to say 'well i went through worse with you' and i am not strong enough to hear it right now!

i have posted on DFW about the debts and am at various stages of CCA's, full and final settlements and bank charges financial hardship stuff so progress is being made but i think the length of time it all takes is now taking a toll on me as it feels like letter writing and finaces every single day, i know i will get there

epsilondraconis

How about sitting down with your son and saying having a discussion about how you are feeling.

Say that because he is now an adult, you feel you can have this discussion with him. How about saying to him that you would like one night a week where the two of you do something together - it may only be for an hour or two, just something that means that you are both together and having a bit of fun.

Not quite sure what to suggest. We have one of the Wii consoles and that is great fun.

suewiththeblues

yes that is a good idea

i did try talking to him today and got nowhere really, we are at each others throats today

i think with being a single parent, particulalry the last year when everything has been so full on, is that its hard to make the time, as most of the interactions we have revolve around practical things like making sure everything is organised that i have often been too flaked out for quality time so we have grown apart, unfortunatley now he is hard to reach and conversations tend to be clipped but i will keep trying as i cant go on like this

burnsguitarman

Why not try showing your son this thread? Perhaps, seeing things in black and white rather than trying to get him to listen to you, would make him realise the true way you feel?

suewiththeblues

gosh - i guess im a softie and wouldnt want to put it all on him! i couldnt! i will try talking to him again. i dont think i will feel so pressured about his situation when i am back to work in terms of the finances which should make me feel less stressed and i am going to start charging him housekeeping as i do feel i have done a hell of a lot to keep this roof over our heads lately and make sure he has everything he needs but its too much now for me to cope with alone, and as he knows my situation i do feel he should be offering to help more as he is earning, even though that small voice in my head tells me to let him enjoy his wages as at some point he will be out in the world going through what i am going through but enough is enough, its contributing to my stress levels a lot so things will be changing for him sharpish! and for me too hopefully