job, family and work dilemma- I need to decide by Thursday

maggirl

I am just about to start a new job which pays a great salary. Unfortunately most of it goes in debt payments and I have spoken to CCCS and they have recommended a DMP, or bankruptcy (but this is difficult as I live in Scotland)

Does Bankruptcy really screw up your life forever?

I just feel trapped by the whole thing.....my marriage (which is non existant) a more stressful job looming, and the hassle of splitting with my husband and being on my own (my family live miles away) I dont have any friends here but would get a lot of support from my family back home, I could stay with my family too.
Our house was supposed to go on the market at Easter but because he has been dragging his feet with doing jobs, its unlikely to be ready for another few weeks now.

My husband thinks everything is hunky dorey...I just dont love him anymore and I am scared to tell him, as he will go crazy and walk out and never speak to me again (or worse, cause major trouble)

Today I got a letter inviting me to an interview in my home town. I have a good chance of getting this job, but it pays at least 10k less than I currently earn. If Im going to go for it I need to let them know by Thursday, and I will have to tell my husband so the cat will be out of the bag.

I know this seems awfully calculating and cold hearted planning this out but I am about to make some life changing (and potentially financially fatal) life and financial decisions that wont just affect me but will affect the whole family. If I told him he would walk out and this wouldnt be good for EITHER of us, we both need to come out of this with the best financial situation we can, whatever the emotions are.

My options are:

1) Stay here, do new stressful job, try and sell house and split with husband....see how things go and start applying for jobs back home in 6 months or so....if I could just sell the house and we split any profit this might help to ease my massive debts and I wouldnt have to go bankrupt.....but this would all hinge on us selling the house

2) Go for it with the other job (which I might not get anyway!) and then the cat would be out of the bag but I would be able to make a fresh start immediately (but probably have to go bankrupt) but also have the hassle of relocating several hundred miles

My family are desperate just to get me back nearer them....they worry about me being so far away when Im going through a hard time. My problem is that I cant make my mind up what I want. If I was 100% wanting to move back to my family immediately, my decision would be made but part of me feels I have to sort things out here before I go. Plus my new boss would go ballistic if I told him I wasnt taking his job after all.

FingersCrossed_2

Hey,

It is so difficult to make a decision when whatever you do has an up and down side.

Unfortunately nobody will have the right answer for you as it is whatever is right for you. You just have to decide on a path and work through it as best you can.

If it was me, I wouldn't go for the other job (far away). Simply because I think sorting things out now will make it easier for you in the long run. I would put together a wee personal action plan as to how you can sort things out at your end just now. Work through that and when things are a bit more finalised make the move back to your family. That way you can have a clean break and start afresh.

Having said that, if it just unbearable just now, you shouldn't suffer more than you have to. If you really can't cope with it something needs to change before you break.

Don't know if that will help but didn't want to read and run. Good luck and big hugs. x

maggirl

Thanks, Im tearing myself apart worrying about what is the right thing to do.
At the same time I appreciate how lucky I am having options at all, I am so fortunate to have a job (in this present climate)

Im just trying to be grown up about things and working things out so that we both (me and my husband) can come out with something...rather than being childish and making big grand gestures and running away.

But it is so tempting to just want to go for it and move away...my friend has recently done this and packed their job in to go study full time, which has meant some big changes, like being away from their family and I envy how brave they have been in making this decision instead of sticking to the easy option.

Worse still, if I went for the job interview and didnt get it..............then that would really cause problems.

Do you think im being cold and calculating not saying any of this to my husband??

FingersCrossed_2

I guess the right thing to do is tell your husband. However, i'd be tempted to wait until the house is on the market and you are sure you know what you want. When it is clear in your mind you can think through what to say to him. Might be kinder and easier for you both. x

Savvy_Sue

maggirl wrote: »

Plus my new boss would go ballistic if I told him I wasnt taking his job after all.

That is the least of your problems: you won't be working for him, will you?

can you find an excuse for a long weekend back home? Could someone be ill, or offer to pay your fare, or just need to see you?

I think the best place to get an answer about whether bankruptcy ruins your life is on the Bankruptcy board, btw.

Loopy_Girl

What about a Protected Trust Teed (a Scottish IVA) instead of bankruptcy?

Still has implications on credit file for 6 years yaka yaka but isn't as harsh as bankruptcy for the long term.

Plus as a bonus, unlike England who pay theirs for 5 years, after 3 years you are discharged from the Trust Deed.

Can't help with the other I'm afraid but thought you should know there are other options

wes_cov

Didn't want to read and run so good luck and hope it all works out which ever way you go.

Its never nice when you are stuck between 2 very hard and life changing decisions

Georgie4

I think that you also have to have in your mind how long it may potentially take to sell your house in this market - don't know what it's like in your area

Whatever you do is going to be life changing so weigh up all the options and do pro's and con's lists - if nothing else it will make you think logically about the consequences

view

Hi there

Phew. There is a lot going on just now in your life! The best thing is that you recognise you're at a cross road and am approaching it with the best planning.

I think you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do - option 2 sounds the best for you and for everyone.

You will separate with your husband, that is on the cards - you're obviously not happy so I assume that this will happen whether you take the high salaried job or not.

High salary is not everything - you say this other job is 10k less, which I agree is a lot, but what price can you put on your sanity? Your stressful job is not good for you or your health and only adds to the piles you already have on your place.

I think making a fresh move is the best option. Put it this way, if someone was forcing you to make a decision, if it was literally life or death, which one would you choose?

Make sure when you speak to your hubby you try to remain open and honest and although it is very easy to say, try to keep a level head with emotions. He will be very hurt, especially since he thinks everything is 'hunky dory'.

You do need to consider his feelings, but, at the end of the day, you must do what is right for you.

I wish you all the best of luck

GJ x

floss2

Why not go for the interview anyway - you may not get the lower paid job, after all. Then you can look at your options when that is clarified.

Are all the debts in your name? If not, then you shouldn't be taking them on.

Why not write down a list of all the points, and note all plus or minus points alongside, also any solutions to immediate problems (debts....DMP, loneliness of moving back to home town...nearer to family etc). It may help you to see things in a clearer light than at the present.

I did a similar thing, taking a well paid contract job I knew would only last 6 months as an enabler to split up with my now ex-OH and move me & 2 kids back to my mums until I found us a new home. It meant I could start things off 2 months earlier than I had planned, as I had the finances to manage short term, which helped make things a bit easier.

Maybe you need to look at the well-paid job in this way, treating it as an enabling job to allow you to get on, sell the house, split up & start a new life...but not necessarily all in a week!

Good luck, hope things work out well for you in the long run.

Floss x

P.S. Don't fret about your new boss - people change their minds for all sorts of reasons & you needn't feel pressured before you've even started the job!

maggirl

Hmmmm..thanks for the views on this......if it was absolutely life or death I would probably go back to my mum's. One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer last week, I think she is going to be OK as they have caught it in time, and it has made me think deeply about what really matters. Her boyfriend lives in France and she has been delaying going to live with him .....but I think her views on that will change now....

I'm thinking of the longer term, if I knew I could come out of this in 6 months with the house sold and a chunk of equity to pay off the bulk of my debts it would be worth waiting in the new job, plus it would be valuable work experience for me too. Its a risk...I might be stuck in 6 months with the house still not sold, debts mounting further and missed the opportunity to go for the job.

I just feel like I've been in limbo for too long.....he hasn't had a proper job for nearly 4 years now (he has been trying, but is quite choosy about what he applies for..) and the whole burden of money is on me to provide.

Ive done a pros and cons list and to be honest they both come out so close, but for different reasons!! My biggest fear is that I am in the same situation next year....another 12 months gone by, and still stuck with him, still in debt, still miserable. He has been making a little bit more of an effort recently, but I still just dont love him the same way anymore. And when he gets angry or stressed his "old" personality starts to come out....grumpy, selfish etc.

I owe £113k on the house and we just had it valued...the Estate Agent said if we finished off all the DIY jobs that we are halfway through and put in a new septic tank (cost around 2k) he would be happy to market it at offers over £200k

So there is potentially 80k of equity to split...even if I only got 40k this would pay off 2/3 of my debt...my debt would still be significant but a darn sight less than I currently owe!

But it is all reliant on me getting the house sold. So you can see why the stress is geting to me and I wish I could run home to mum and leave it all behind for someone else to sort out! But this could cause more problems in the longer term.

Id love to hear from anyone who has achieved it, come through the other side from a marriage breakdown and any advice they might have......
Still doesnt help my decision about what to do next week!!!!