job, family and work dilemma- I need to decide by Thursday

Lois_and_CK

You know, sometimes life is just too short. Why spend the next six or twleve months miserable for the sake of being "sensible"? You know exactly what you want - you want to leave your husband and you want to be closer to family. It's not like you're undecided on whether you want to be with him or not. What about option 3?

3. Tell your husband you want to split up. Put the house on the market now, without the septic tank and without the DIY jobs done (just do a de-clutter and clean). Or pay 'a man with a van' to do the the DIY jobs if you can afford to. Put the house up for sale for a bargain knock-down price so it sells quickly. Say, £180k. Ok so you potentially 'lose out' on £20k? But how much will you be paying in interest anyway on all those debts? And what price your sanity and happiness?

alyth

what does your gut instinct tell you to do? I split with ex almost exactly a year ago, and it's been a tough year. I moved into my little cottage and was made redundant that day, have had crappy job after crappy job and about to walk out of another one soon!

Lois is right thought, life's too short. If you can get the support of your family by moving closer to them, then it's worth considering - my parents have been fantastic to me, I couldn't have gotten through the last year without them as I guess I had a kind of breakdown in November, and still have bad days, I drank two bottles of wine last night to drown my sorrows!

The money from the house is all relative to be honest. If my house with ex had sold at the price it was put on the market 10 months ago, I would have gotten around £120K. It's not sold and he's having to remortgage to give me my share, which will be £52K. So don't count on the money, not just yet, you're in Scotland the same as me and whilst properties are selling, they're not really selling for much over the asking price.

I had a trust deed which was discharged 3 years ago now and have just this month managed to change bank accounts, so it's worth looking into that instead of bankruptcy.

Talk to your husband. See how he feels and what he wants to do, seperate, stay together, if he doesn't work could you both move closer to your family, a fresh start for the two of you?

I've been having a tough couple of months, I'm being bullied out of my job and I've only been there 3 months, and a friend told me "!!!! only happens to those that can deal with it" and it's true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you will get through all this, you need to break each thing down into little bits and deal with them individually - debt, speak to CAB, house, put on market/do jobs to make it more sellable, and that way you won't seem so overwhelmed with everything. That's what I have to do as I get really really overwhelmed at times, to the stage where I ended up in hospital last month with a really bad panic attack, so I have lists and lists of things I have to sort out, jobs, money, etc and deal with one thing off each list at a time.

Good luck, you will be okay, i thought I was going to die after we seperated, everything was so hard, I'm nearly 40 and had never lived on my own, never cooked, always been looked after by ex, and I'm managing okay, some days are tougher than others, but I always get there in the end!

maggirl

thanks alyth, your situation sounds really similar to mine! My Oh has always taken charge of stuff like cooking and as a result i have allowed him to take over, to the point where I am going to learn how to cook again etc! i've been with him for a very long time, and got very used to having him around, and I will miss him if I leave, but thats not the same as wanting to be with someone because you love them.

Gotta decide by lunchtime....aagrh....

Lunar_Eclipse

I suggest you go for the interview, then the decision, at least temporarily, is out of your hands. It is not advisable however to tell your current boss. And you need to choose whether or not to tell your husband. I would probably opt for telling him, possibly whilst not offering full closure on why you might want the position.

I think you need to take one step at a time. Going for the interview back home might present new opportunities/feelings, or remove some. You might get a gut feeling about whether that decision would be right for you. You certainly have nothing to lose as far as I can tell.

As far as your marriage goes, are you 100% sure that you no longer love him, or could you have just lost respect for him since he has been out of work for so long and you have increased financial burdens? Lost respect can be regained, hence my question.

Try not to worry about it all too much. It will work out one way or another. Good luck with it all. xxx

ticklepenny_2

Whatever you do ..... make yourself happy. You only have 1 life and there is no point tip toeing around others if it makes your life hell. Life is for living and enjoying, and yes we do have to make sacrifices but thats only if it will have a positive outcome in the future. My friedn recently handed her house back to the mortgage company because it was stressing her out too much, she is now renting and so much happier. Sometimes it is best to cut your losses.

maggirl

Well I've just told them I am going!! Its on Thursday and is a 6 hour drive away.

I suppose I can always back out of it at the last minute.....I had to send off some bits and pieces of evidence about qualifications etc which was why the deadline was today.

Now just the problem of deciding how to manage it.

He is taking DD to relatives next week (school hols in Scotland) so I could lie to him , make up some family excuse and just go, or fess up to him and face the consequences.

It really all comes down to financial matters- will my new job pay enough to cover my outgoings, will the house sell, or should I just move down to England as it is easier to go BR there.

MadMac_2

Oh Maggirl, well done for taking that decision. You will feel better for every one that you make, so try to take back some of the control in your life and look forward positively. Take it one step at a time and you'll get to where you want to be.

Personally, I think this is a good instance for telling a white lie to get you through next week without your husband knowing the real reason. I know lots will disagree with me, but just imagine you go for the interview and it really doesn't appeal, or with distance between you, that husband of yours is missed more than you thought possible - you just never know. Why put him through the inevitable pain if it might not even be warranted yet?

Money worries are the devil's work. If you were to strip that part of your life away would your relationship then be worth saving?

In a year's time you might find yourself nearer to family and single and enjoying life to the full - or you might find you are happy with your husband (after counselling, of course!) and much more contented with your debts finally manageable and you are enjoying life to the full.

See, you just never know!

The very best of luck xx