how to tell someone it's over?

abercadufkey

apologies to those who've replied in the arms - someone suggested i post it here instead...

my oh and i have been together for 11 years and i have reached the point where i'm sat at my desk 2 hours after i should have gone home to avoid being with him.

he's not violent and he treats me fairly well, but he's huffy and can't cope with me earning more than him and really resents me spending any time doing anything that doesn't directly involve him. i can't read a book, send a text, read my e-mails, do the online banking, go shopping... when i try to get some time for me he goes in a huff and i have to get used to doors being slammed and not being spoken to. he also resents the fact that we haven't had sex in over a yesr, but i can't stand him touching me and for a long time now i've hated every minute of it. the counsellor told him repeatedly that because things are so bad in the relationship that we should conentrate on getting all of that right before he thinks about pestering me, but once a week it starts again and i hate it.

i know that he has problems with his self esteem and about this time last year we started going to counselling together after i walked out and left him for a month. 12 months (and £1500) later and we are no further forwards. he still seems to view my successes as a threat to him, he still doesn't want to let me out of his sight, he still won't let me do normal, everyday things like read.

he really doesn't get how upset i am. even after last week's counselling session when i cried for 45 minutes because it's all too much for me to cope with he still thinks that we can just keep burying our heads in the sand and that things will magically get better.

he now wants us to buy a house together and i really can't stand the thought of tying myself to him legally for the next 25 years. he's really enthusiastic about it and i know that i need to stop him now before it goes on any longer, but he isn't listening when i tell him that i don't want to look at houses as i don't know if there is a future in the relationship.

how do you tell someone who's been part of your life for a decade and who relies on you for pretty much anything that it's over? ideally without killing him completely.

dawn27

be honest with him. you are not doing him any favours by giving him false hope that the relationship will last.
I always use the benchmark that can i see myself marrying the other person and growing old together and if the thought doesn't feel me with dread then its work giving the relationship my all, if not make a clean break and it really wasn't meant to be.

I really feel for you, good luck

Errata

Be honest. Tell him the relationship is no longer working for you; you're really sorry but that's the way it is. Then leave ! It won't kill him, unless you feel you are so powerful your words can cause someone's death.

msb5262

I think it's time just to start making your plans for the future. Decide where you are going to live, how you will separate any joint money, how you will sort out any other practical issues and only then think about how you are going to tell your OH that the relationship has come to a natural end. You might need some counselling on your own to deal with all this - it sounds as if you're very stressed and sad about it already, and you might be feeling rather paralysed and unable to make things change. Make sure you enlist the support of sympathetic friends/family, if that's possible.
Best of luck - I know it's incredibly hard but it sounds as if you will be doing the right thing.
MsB

Bitsy_Beans

End it sooner rather than later. If he's got his head in the clouds regarding buying a place together you need to nip this in the bud.
There isn't an easy way to do it - you have to be honest and not leave anything open to speculation or false hope.
I doubt it will kill him - quite frankly he seems rather preoccupied with himself rather than you and your feelings so he sounds like he needs this kick up the rear.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are making the right decision for you.

Susan_Frost

Remember, you dont have to get him to actually agree to split. It is ok for you to make a decision which is right for you and go with that. It seems obvious it is over. Is there a friend or relation who you can tell first and ask them to be available if he needs to ring someone if he is upset.
Good luck

Treadway1

Not sure if Im right, but by the look of the usernames of the previous posters, Id say that they are all female (Apoogies if Im wrong), so thought I might be able to offer a bit of advice from a male point of view.

This story doesnt paint me in a very good light, but then this was a good few years ago, when I was young, so id like to point out straight away that I know I was a complete a***hole, but then my ex wasnt the most blameless person ever.

Anyway, my ex and I got together when I was 19 and she was 26. I was a lowly phone engineer and she was working for a big finance company in London, so at the time I was living every young males dream, by going out with an older, well off women. Soon however, this lustre faded when we fell into the humdrum of a normal relationship, and within about 3 months, the 'honeymoon period' was well and truly over. We began to argue, and snip at each other about the smallest things, but eventually we sorted outrselves out, and things were going ok for a while.... but only ok, it was never great. After about a year, we started renting a place out together and things started looking up, but soon they went downhill, again when the sparkle had worn off. Anyway, this carried on for about 4 years, with us both just dragging our feet with each other inwardly, whilst making the world believe we were every bit the perfect couple. I eventually began to take my ex, and more specifically her money, for granted, and would fritter mine away on nothing, whilst expecting her to pay all the bills. We stopped having sex, and it got to the point where we would hardly touch each other at all. Not for my lack of trying though. But thats the problem with us blokes.... Im sure youve all heard this saying before, but it is true, "Women need to feel loved, to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved", and that was completely right in our situation. The more she refused my advances, the more I needed physical contact with her, and so started the ever decreasin circle.

I appreciate this is getting a bit long now, with no real point being made, so Ill try to keep it short now. After 4 and a half years, the relationship was pretty much dead. Im pretty sure now, that she hated me at that point, although I kept trying to fool myself into thinking I loved her. Im sure I did in some way, but nowhere near enough to build a life together. However, as a last ditch attempt to resurrect the relationship, we bought a house together. 3 months later, and she promptly moved out, leaving me to pay everything on my own (What goes around ah??? ). I was desperately unhappy, for a good while afterwards, but...... and its a massive but, breaking up with her was the best thing that happened to both of us. 4 years on, I am now with the women of my dreams, and she is (As far as Im aware) extremely happy with her fella living in the states.

The point is that it seemed like the easy option to stay together, because singledom seemed like a horribly cold world after 5 years, butlooking back now, we would have ended up despising each other, and clearly that isnt healthy.

Just be honest with him..... brutally honest and explain to him why you want to break up. If you give him any kind of reason to believe you can save what you have, he will try... believe me, Ive been there. You need to tell him its over. period. he will obviously be upset, but it will be better in the long run.

Lastly, ill say that however you choose to break up with him, remember that it will be alot easier for you than him. Youve had time to come to terms with these thoughts, but as much as he may know the realtionship is on its way out, to actually hear you say its over, will hit him like a ton of bricks. Be strong though. This will be a good thing for you both eventually.

Im sorry if Ive gone off the point somewhat, but I honestly wish you all the best in this difficult time.

God bless.

minimacka

I just wanted to say that whatever you choose just remember you only get one life its not a rehersal and you cant go back and do things again, be happy in your life and live it to the full.

MM

Pssst

Just keep this tune turning over in your mind and eventually it'll focus you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5--Sje98jI

bestpud

If you truly feel there is no hope, then the only thing to do is come straight out with it.

I have recently done just that and I can tell you it was awful, and in many ways it still is a couple of months on, but I have no doubt it was the right thing to do.

Remember you matter every but as much as he does, and it may be helpful to write down your feelings now so you can remind yourself what it is you are leaving behind. Believe me, it can be difficult to remember this when the going gets tough.

Other than that, I would say you need to actually follow it through if you do tell him you want to separate, as each time you change you mind, you are telling him you may be cheesed off, but actually you really want to be with him so he doesn't need to change iyswim.

It is so difficult though, I know. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat some more.

busiscoming2

I'd just like to add that when you do finally say you are ending the relationship, they suddenly manifest back into the wonderful person you first met and that can throw some confusion into your own feelings, so just be prepared for that and know that the 'nice' behaviour won't last!