elderly relative living far away

Newly_retired

Sorry this is going to take some explaining. We live a 5 hour journey( each way) from MIL which means that any visits are a minimum of 3 days, usually more, and DH goes on his own. Also he often arranges it so his daughter who lives equally far away goes there at the same time. It used to be approx 5 times a year when he worked full time.

MIL is currently in hospital and DH is now on his third trip in 3 weeks to visit. GD has been there the whole time. She lives at a distance too but has taken time off work, unpaid.
Don't get me wrong, I do not begrudge these visits. Nor do I have a problem with father and daughter meeting up. But I am thinking that while she is in hospital, she is being looked after, lovely though it is to have visitors especially your only son. Whereas once she is back home, with extra help/carers in place, neither DH nor GD will be able to visit for a while as they both need to be back at work earning some money!
I'm thinking this has not been best use of human resources, as it were, both being there when MIL is in hospital. Sorry I know that makes it sound cold and uncaring. I actually mean quite the opposite. I think they may need to work out a sort of rota to spread out the visits but cover more time. Does that make any kind of sense? It is treading on eggshells to make any suggestions but I am only trying to help to plan ahead for the next phase.

Pee

Five hours away... Is there any possibility that she will move closer? Or does she have friends in the area who will be able to visit her? It's a very difficult situation to deal with. I suppose they want to visit her now in case there isn't any time afterwards. It's very hard to be practical when you are emotionally involved, I think, whereas you being slightly on the outside can see this is not sustainable longer term.

hardpressed

I can see your point, if the situation is likely to continue it would make sense to have a rota. We always feel that when a relative or friend is in hospital they must have a visitor every day but yet when they're at home it may be that some days they see no one.

Newly_retired

Thanks for that, hardpressed and Pee, you have understood precisely.
No, there is no likelihood of her moving nearer to us, or us to her. She is 91 and it is too late for that. She has good support from nearby friends, or so we thought, yet not one of them has visited her or even sent a card, to our surprise, considering how well they usually look after her at home, checking the curtains are drawn, shopping, taking Sunday lunch etc. She's had visits from family and clergy in hospital, that's all.

chesky369

It sounds as though they are good friends but perhaps they have trouble getting to the hospital if they're also getting on in years. They might visit if they could get a lift.

pollypenny

You have my sympathy, NR. We had a similar situation, with the onus falling on me and DH. Ironically we got into a routine and quite missed our trips.

'Baby sister' of course, did sweet FA. Joys of being the youngest - grrr!

Good luck.

Suzy_M

Sorry this is going to take some explaining. We live a 5 hour journey( each way) from MIL which means that any visits are a minimum of 3 days, usually more, and DH goes on his own. Also he often arranges it so his daughter who lives equally far away goes there at the same time. It used to be approx 5 times a year when he worked full time.

Is your husband simply just killing two birds with one stone - visiting his mother and seeing the daughter at the same time?

Also both your mother-in-law and your husband may feel more comfortable with the daughter there to help with more personal needs.

But I am thinking that while she is in hospital, she is being looked after,

Never assume that an elderly patient is being cared for properly in hospital. - They need someone to look out for them.

It is too easy for hospitals to put elderly patients on geriatric wards and assume these are simply 'God's Waiting Rooms', regardless of whether their condition is age-related or not. Based on my own experiences and observations elderly patients who receive frequent 'responsible' visitors seem to receive better treatment and levels of care, and definitely have better recovery rates than those who do not.

fredsnail

I would agree with Suzy M - my Grandfather was recently in hospital and another patient took his hearing aids, they lost his clothes and just left him sitting in a chair.

It took 4 days of 3 phone calls a day and daily visits before someone actually got the hearing aids back off the other patient - they knew who had got them and were quite happy to let him keep them because Grandad just sits quietly in a chair and "he's lovely and no trouble at all".

We on the other hand had to threaten with an official complaint before action was taken - and were labelled trouble makers - even so far as one nurse accused us of lying.

Thankfully Grandad is now out of hospital, but I dread to think what would have happened if we hadn't visited.

margaretclare

Suzy_M wrote: »

Sorry this is going to take some explaining. We live a 5 hour journey( each way) from MIL which means that any visits are a minimum of 3 days, usually more, and DH goes on his own. Also he often arranges it so his daughter who lives equally far away goes there at the same time. It used to be approx 5 times a year when he worked full time.

Is your husband simply just killing two birds with one stone - visiting his mother and seeing the daughter at the same time?

Also both your mother-in-law and your husband may feel more comfortable with the daughter there to help with more personal needs.

But I am thinking that while she is in hospital, she is being looked after,

Never assume that an elderly patient is being cared for properly in hospital. - They need someone to look out for them.

It is too easy for hospitals to put elderly patients on geriatric wards and assume these are simply 'God's Waiting Rooms', regardless of whether their condition is age-related or not. Based on my own experiences and observations elderly patients who receive frequent 'responsible' visitors seem to receive better treatment and levels of care, and definitely have better recovery rates than those who do not.

DH and I have had several encounters with hospital in the time we've been together - it really has been 'in sickness and in health'. We've both had several bouts of surgery and I have formed the opinion that in order to be in hospital one must be alert, aware, articulate, able to ask for what one needs and to insist if one doesn't get it. This is usually the very reverse of a patient being admitted to hospital for whatever reason and of whatever age. Even a young woman in childbirth often finds it helpful to have someone there who is 'on her side' and able to speak for her when she can't speak for herself.

I probably know my way around the system better than most from my past career in nursing and midwifery, DH has a career in management behind him, both of us are assertive, articulate and intelligent people. Our most recent encounter with the NHS started last October and he is still not entirely out of the woods. We found that: ambulance services including paramedics were excellent. Critical Care likewise. Once on an orthopaedic trauma ward, I could write a book about that, but suffice to say, there was a lot that we didn't like. When he eventually came home into the care of the local District Nurses (again, excellent) I wrote a letter of complaint. I received a 4-page letter back from the Director of Nursing, some of which was excuses, some a whitewash, and some plain lies. He wasn't looking forward to going back to have the knee reconstructed, which happened mid-February. This was to an orthopaedic surgical ward and believe it or not, his experience there was completely different. He had no complaints at all.

We have, however, seen and heard instances of lack of care and consideration which have shocked us. I didn't like, for instance, sitting there visiting my husband while a young woman doctor talked to the man in the next bed in a clear carrying voice all about his bladder problems. That was a man who didn't ask, didn't question, and although a nice man - another former engineer - wasn't assertive in the least. DH or I would have stopped her dead and said 'Excuse me, can we discuss this somewhere in private?' And would have asked many more questions, like - why a catheter is necessary at all? What about the risk of sensitising the bladder....

I am ashamed of my former profession, but to answer what SuzyM writes above, you can't assume any such thing. There are few lonelier places than a hospital ward, the days are long and boring, you long to be told what is happening, when can you go home, and often you have to wait days to be told anything at all.

Newly_retired

Thanks for your replies and opinions. Well DH is now back home and GD has had to go to her home too. DH said he could not fault the care his mother is receiving on the ward. However I take the point that having relatives there every day may be what it needs to keep staff on their toes.
MIL phoned tonight and was confused about a test she had had done and why, so DH had to explain it to her again. He couldn't have done that if he hadn't been there when she was first told about it.
Still, I am making the point that maybe DH and GD could have taken it in turns, a few days each, possibly with some overlap, so that they could each try to keep the rest of their lives ticking over. GD's partner is not very understanding that she has been away for over a fortnight and is not earning anything whilst she was away. If she were in a "proper" job she couldn't really do that. DH says it is "normal" to want to be at your GM's side - well yes, pehaps, but it is not always realistic or practical. I can see where the partner is coming from, but of course DH takes his daughter's side completely, and says he's jealous and mean, whereas I would sympathise, but try to see the other's point of view. Of course I'm ( much) older and not supposed to have any feelings about all this. He tells me very little really, so in a way I can empathise with the partner, as it does seem a bit exclusive.

Savvy_Sue

Newly_retired wrote: »

DH says it is "normal" to want to be at your GM's side -

Of course I only have sons, so I can't speak for what's normal for daughters, but my sons have perhaps ONCE been into hospital to visit a grandparent, and that was during an extended stay, when I took them. They're now 21, 19 and 16, and although I have told them about recent admissions for both sets of grandparents, I don't think it's crossed their minds that they should visit. Same goes for their cousins.

They didn't even visit me when I was in hospital, although they did come with DH to 'take me in', but in their defence I told DH NOT to bring them unless they asked to come, as I didn't want visitors, just to be left to sleep it off!

What's 'normal' on my side of the family is to try to ensure that whoever's in gets a visitor every day, and whoever's left at home gets a phone call if they're not being taken to the hospital. One of us (mercifully not me) lives close to my parents, so we try particularly hard to ensure that they don't have to do it all. It's 'only' a 4 hour round trip to the hospital for me, although if I also have to collect a parent to take on a visit you can add another 2 hours to that. And it's 'only' an hour or so for one of the others to get to the hospital, but then it's an hour's further driving from hospital to parents' home. So that's 3 of us who can, at a pinch, do it in a day trip. Our other siblings can't.

What's normal for DH's parents is that they don't tell us about emergencies straight away, so that we don't worry. And then they tell us not to visit, because it's a long way. I insist that DH goes anyway, just in case.

So as far as I can see, there's no such thing as 'normal'. Although if I'd been an adult when either of my grandmothers died, yes, I WOULD have wanted to visit them in hospital. But then, they were both lovely ladies, and right now I can't say the same for my mother ...