Anyone ever fought with their family about attitudes to money?

Xenomorhic

Had a huge row with my mom yesterday.
Everytime I see her and I comment how much I am struggling with my money due to training and studying she leaps in with well I have no money either, I'm struggling, I'd help you if I could....
It makes my blood boil!
My money goes on petrol, food, training for my courses, course fees and materials. I haven't had a holiday for over four years.
Her money goes on regular clothes shopping trips, four or five holidays a year-two abroad, 2 long weekends in Europe, and stupidly expensive brands of skin care and make up.
She let me down in the past and allowed me to drop out of a uni course that I was having trouble with as I could not get the fees together (I had been depressed because my parents had split and then my BF left, so I ended up behind in my work). I asked her for a little help, even a loan. She told me she had no money and let me drop out. 4 weeks later she arranged a late deal holiday and went to spain with a friend...
Fine, do that. But don't rub it in my face by going on about it and showing me photos etc...
She calls me dull and boring and says I have no life because I don't take holidays and go clothes shopping. I can't afford it!
It makes me so angry and we always end up rowing when we meet up. When she says she's proud of what I do I say why, how have you helped me do it? She has no answer. It's my hard work and my working around studying that's financed it. Not her.
I feel like I can't even speak to her anymore as she just blows money like it's nothing and then tells me she would help me if she could. I told her she COULD have helped me many times last night and pointed out the amount of holidays.. she said why should she miss out on holidays because I needed her help.. I said well DON'T SAY YOU WOULD HELP THEN!!
I don't WANT everything done for me. I was just thinking how nice it would be when this was over to be able to say that all through uni, my folks didn't have much but they gave me everything they could, which isn't true.
*sigh* I really don't LIKE seeing her anymore. I would actually rather not see her until my courses are over and I've cleared the money I owe for the one I start this Autumn.
It's depressing. Does anyone else have these problems with their family?

buglawton

If you stick to your principles long enough, you will see those with less positive attitudes fall by the wayside!

rchddap1

Personally I don't have those sorts of problems. In fact when I see them its become a tradition to ask how much I have spent on shopping this week. Then they sigh and say I don't know how you do it. Suppose I'm slowly getting a reputation for being 'crafty' where saving money is concerned.

Just be proud that you have done all of this yourself. Whatever the future holds is 100% yours, as no-one else helped you to get it.

In my opinion arguing with families over money simply isn't worth it. I have viewed from the outside what it can do to a family...and its not nice. If the subject of money ever crops up simply brush it under the carpet and say that you don't want to talk about that topic...and then talk about something else. I would much rather have my family around me than to have a few extra £££s in the bank.

It isn't nice to watch someone with seemingly loads of money and then there's you struggling along. However, this could be because either they've earnt it the hard way and so have the right to spend it how they choose, or they are in debt up to the hilt and it will only take a small problem to tip them over the edge. Close your eyes, imagine that its the latter and you'll feel a bit better.

Either way I don't have any right over someone else's life or their money simply because I'm a member of their family. Whatever the future holds for you is yours.

Philippa36

We loaned my o/h's mother enough money to pay off her credit cards (several thousands). Both her and her husband were in quite a lot of financial trouble with debts and their mortgage payments so we offered to help them out. We gave her most of our savings in the hope that she would then start paying it back little by little. However, since we loaned them the money, last November, we have heard nothing more about it. They did say that they wouldn't be spending out on Christmas presents which we agreed with, but then they spent out about £100 on silly things for everyone ~ the gifts from Sainsbury's for both me and my o/h. Not exactly useful and I know we would both have preferred the cash back instead so we could start rebuilding our savings.
Since then we have heard nothing about it. We got a call the other day, telling us all the news etc but still nothing about paying a bit back, although she did mention that she was wanting to buy a new outfit for a wedding that they are going to later this year and that they are thinking about planning a holiday!! So finally my o/h mentioned the money and her response was 'its all gone, I've spent it'.
They knew we had planned a holiday this year to go and visit my family in the U.S. so we had been saving hard to pay for it.
I know when we lent them the money we shouldn't have expected to get it all back but it really bugs me that she can then talk to us about what she wants to buy and where she would like to go without even considering our feelings.
We are fortunate in that we are both working and earning enough to have a nice lifestyle but it still doesn't mean we have the cash to give.

Its difficult for me because my o/h doesn't want to cause problems with his family but it still makes me really mad because I know my family wouldn't consider it at all.

Rant over

Xenomorhic

Thanks so much for the thoughts everyone, feel better just writing it down. Phillipa36 sorry about the tensions, I'm kinda glad to know I'm not the only one who's family has them wanting to scream..

mr218

as children we have a somewhat idealised picture of our parents. i am lucky in the sense that my parents have done a lot for me both emotionally and financially. but in general, i think you should look at your mother as another human being rather that being your emotional supporter and also helping a bit financially when you are in a tight situation.

why not consider the fact that you are a self made person and have reached where you have by sheer dint of your hard work. accept that your mother has other priorities and she would probably prefer it if you were like her and spent your cash on shopping and holidays. maybe she is finding it difficult to relate to you as you have moved on beyond her 'level' if you like and are trying to better yourself.

Treat your mother with kindness. Ok she is selfish but on the other hand it is her money. she did not ask you or push you towards further studies. Sooner or later your studies will come to an end and you will hopefully be earning more. look forward to better days.

why not try to have a pleasant time with her and take a greater interest in her activities. i am sure she will reciprocate.

phillipa, i think you have been very generous to your MIL. but it is always said that it is a bad idea to lend money to family. you would have thought that lending money to your own mother/MIL should not be such a risk. but you should have emphasised that you cant spare the money longterm and arrange on repayment agreements. Maybe your husband can judge better on how to approach them. Tell them truthfully that you are hurt that they are not even bothering to repay any of the money they have borrowed and which you gave them in good faith in their hour of need and to your own detriment. Tell them you are disappointed that you cannot trust them anymore. suggest a simple repayment scheme everymonth if they are receptive.

mentaljessie

You know what they say you can choose your friends but you can't pick your family. My Mum is just crap with money if she's got it she'll spend it. She was most distressed yesterday at the fact I said no to lending her an advance on her wages, and my Brother still owes me £490 for plumbing materials I put on my credit card. So he could do some private work. The main cause of arguements in my house is my family and their attitudes towards me regarding money. In all fairness I will get the money back from my Brother before interest is accrued, but I do think my Boyfriend has a point when he says "you don't do overtime at weekends to subsidise your family". I know this behaviour hurts speaking from experience and your thinking to yourself why? I know I do but I've toughened up and tried to stand on my own feet and I'm currently a student so it's not like I have loads of cash spare.

Philippa36

Thanks for the good advice and suggestions mr218. I am angry on my o/h's behalf but he doesn't want to make it into a big issue :rolleyes:

We have enough cash not to 'need' it back but for me thats not the issue. Just a small offer of payment would appease my anger somewhat.....I do agree though, I will not be offering again

SammyD_2

My Mum and I just don't see eye to eye on money. We do have a good income, but her problem is that she would like to see me in a much more expensive house in a much more expensive area, rather than trying to pay off our mortgage. She thinks we need a new car (we only use it to go to the supermarket or to take the children to childcare), an airconditioning system for our house (for the one month a year that it would get used), and extension on our house plus numerous other consumer items. She does not seem to understand that by not spending all our money we are trying to give our children financial security - there is a real risk in my line of work that I will need to look for a new, less well paid job in the next few years. If that happens I do not want the stress of having to worry about how to pay the bills as well.

But Mum doesn't see it this way. We don't argue about it, but I do find it hurtful that she does not seem to recognise that I am just trying to do the best for my family. So Xenomorphic, you are definately not alone!

buglawton

Interesting how the generations can alternate in attitude!

Also take into account our national culture - close to the USA? In German and France it is impossible to obtain credit of about more than about £500 on credit cards and deposits of 30% are required to buy a house.

arctic_2

Xenomorhic wrote:

I don't WANT everything done for me. I was just thinking how nice it would be when this was over to be able to say that all through uni, my folks didn't have much but they gave me everything they could, which isn't true.

Your folks are every bit as entitled to a life as you are. You are an adult and they are not obliged to make sacrifices for you for the rest of your life. I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion, but I think the attitude that your parents ought to be giving you everything they can when you are an adult is selfish and unreasonable.