How do I 'help' my OH have his own LBM?

fatpiggy

What is it with men? They really do like to stick their heads in the sand at every opportunity. Having read the other replies, I would also say, look after yourself first and foremost. Sort your debts out and become financially free. Another nasty habit men have is stating they "can't cope" and just walking away. I'm not saying that is going to happen but you can never be sure. I'd keep an eye open for oddities too - a friend was planning her marriage a few years ago and they were doing up the house they'd bought together. I can't remember how she found out, but it turned out her fiance was financially in the do-do and had made fraudulent applications for loans in her name, and named her parents as guarantors on other financial packages. The house had to be sold just to clear the debts and she ended up with nothing, but at least she got rid of the lying b*****d as well.

TotallyBroke

natters wrote: »

He is also fond of coming up with comparisons and said I feel like I'm on a boat and it is sinking - I can see land, and just hope I can make it to the shore before I drown.
My reply was, while your busy looking at the view, I'm in the engine room frantically bailing out with a bucket full of holes, if you got down here and helped it would make the chances of getting there a hell of alot easier!.

What a fantastic comparison. My only concern is the amount of "I" he used.

natters_2

TotallyBroke after nearly 20 years it's like water off a duck's back, I'm used to the me, myself and I my OH often uses - I do it too - like I am the only one that cooks, cleans, washes up & everything else that involves the running of a house & home. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
These days it also includes I am the only one that can access the bank accounts debit cards and everything else that includes spending money.

you can bet your life if I inherited/won/got by any other way a large amount of money he would suddenly discover that he had a "we" in his vocabulary :think:

tallyhoh

Lovella wrote: »

because at the end of the day, even though we're not financially linked - we are a couple and I will need to bail him out if things get worse.

Ummm, so you are a couple if he gets in the s**t & needs a handout but he wont listen to you as a couple beforehand??

Please, dont bail him out. I speak from 23 years of experience, his parents would speak from 57 years. You bail him out & he will do it all again because he has not learned his lesson. Trust me

Merlinexcalibur

Please, dont bail him out. I speak from 23 years of experience, his parents would speak from 57 years. You bail him out & he will do it all again because he has not learned his lesson. Trust me

That's exactly the situation I got embroiled in, really wished I hadn't later ... where I said about the person who played online games (fiddling whilst Rome burned etc). So I've lived through this as an observer, watching all the same things play out over and over again. And nothing will ever change. Unless that cycle is completely broken. Tragically, it's others on the edges who try to help get burned pretty badly; usually. Hope that made sense.

Lovella

Natters for some reason your post totally cracked me up! Thanks for all the posts everyone, I'm taking them all on board. I guess the bottom line is that there's nothing I can really do to make him as proactive and (tragically) excited to be paying off my debts as I am. I think when I originally posted I was very cheesed off with him. He earns twice as much as me, but has way more debts than me too, so it kind of all balances out. But whereas I dont spend money on anything fun, he seems to be able to justify buying fancy (and expensive) gagdets and going to the football and allsorts. I suppose I could do those things too but it would put my debt-free date back and so I don't because that's more important to me. And then I feel resentful because he's having fun and I'm not. Then he criticises me when I say I cant afford things because he thinks that if I paid less into my DMP then I would be able to do more. Grrrr.

Lovella

By the way - I wonder if there's any research into whether men or women are more likely to get into debt?

rose11

I have the same prob with my bf, i must admit he has cut down etc, but he stills goes out some nights and things like that, but i am trying not to spend much money, i don't go out so much, try not to do things like go to the hairdressers etc but then feel like I'm having no fun and he is sometimes.

fairydiamond

I have a similar problem with my fiance. He is trying to ''live life to the full'', yes I want to as well, but that doesn't mean getting everything we can't afford. He is a good gem but he's got to understand he is going to live a very long time so no silly spending!

Lovella

Fairydiamond and Rose11, maybe there needs to be a DFW-doing-it-withOUT-the-support-of-their-OH's thread! Ho-hum. I guess we just have to keep going regardless try and rise above it all.