How do I 'help' my OH have his own LBM?

Lovella

You've probably seen me mooching around in here - like most of us, I had my LBM a while ago and now becoming debt-free is a big focus for me and influences most of what I do. My OH however, has got debts four times mine, and yet seems unable to get to grips with them. I've tried so many ways of helping, but his reaction is to get angry or anxious or both, but he has never really done anything about his finances. He just seems to pretend all is OK until I remind him about them again. I think he begrudges the fact that I am dealing with my debts, and whenever I mention MSE, or that we cant afford something, or that I'm proud that I've knocked another chunk of my debts, he sort of treats me like I'm being silly and patronises me. I thought that if he saw it was possible to sort things out then it would motivate him, but it doesnt. I've offered to help so many times, and even done him a few budgets and shown him a snowball to prove it's not hopeless, but I don't think he's even ever looked at them. I'm getting so fed up with it, and I don't know what else to try. I've just had another phone conversation with OH and I feel like crying, I'm trying to get us debt-free on my own and I simply cant do it without his support and buy-in! I'm sure lots of other people have had a similar experience - I'd be interetsed to know what worked for you?

tirlittan

Hi, I have no words of wisdom, but didn't want to read and run. Unfortunately, I don't think there is away to make someone face up to their debts if they're not ready for it. Well done on having your LBM though and dealing with your own debts will put you in a much better position whatever else happens. Good luck on your debt free journey.

rubyslipper

Hi Lovella

Sorry to hear you're struggling with this problem. It sounds as though your OH is well aware how bad things are for him debt-wise and is only getting angry because he is ashamed of it and frustrated that you seem to have reached a point he hasn't been able to.

It's only really him that can truly face up to how bad things are but obviously he has an obligation in your relationship to sort things out. I don't want to generalise but I don't find that many men are open to being told what they 'should' be doing and I'm sure you've already been very gentle with him but perhaps try sitting him down and quietly explaining that you really do understand how hard it is but that the situation is upsetting you a great deal and you would really love to be able to work as a team to try and sort things out and build a brilliant future together.
If he really loves you, which I'm sure he does then seeing how genuinely unhappy you are should spur him into taking control. Perhaps he's been feeling a bit emasculated by your being so forthright and independent (well done you!!) and maybe he just needs reminding that he is still very much needed (sorry if that sounds a bit old fashioned!).

I don't know if any of that helps but hopefully it'll just help you to know you're not alone! This is a great site and everyone's lovely so feel free to offload as much as you need to!

Best of luck

Ruby xx

Lovella

Thanks guys. I agree Ruby and don't think you sound old fashioned at all. I agree that I think he probably feels a bit inadequate because I'm so far ahead, but I'm trying to help him see that my sucess is his too. Tact is not my strong point and I'm trying my best. I'm fed up of feeling like I'm treading on eggshells though. Grrr. Maybe a glass of wine might help my mood??! Perhaps a bit too early in the day.

rose11

HI , sorry I can't say anything to help you, I'm in the same boat as you more or less. I know what you mean about him getting angry etc when you try to say about things.

tealady

Hi I would suggest that you stop helping him. Don't bail him out, just get on with clearing your debts.
When the banks turn his money tap off then he will have to deal with the problem in some way.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have to be careful that he doesn't drag you back into debt. He cannot/willnot deal with the problem and you cannot solve it for him. He's a grown up and so has to deal with things for himself and accept the consequences if he doesn't.
I understand from your posts that you don't live together, is that correct? Hopefully you do not have any joint debts, if you have you need to get out of those - I know of someone who had joint debts with a gambler, when the gambler nearly cost them their home they knew it was time to stop propping them up.

Mar-tan

I agree, it will take his debt getting a little worse and bank letters etc. before he realises its a problem. Well done on getting yourself sorted out though!

pebblespop

i am the same as you, op. my oh is not interested in paying off debts even when i point out his minimum payment on the credit card is costing him £100 and only £10 is coming off the balance. i think a snowball would say he had about 50 years to his debt free date.

i am just concentrating on myself. if he wants to be in debt all his life thats up to him but i will be ok!

TotallyBroke

I agree with some of the posts. Tell him if you can't be a couple and work together at being a couple on the same life path. Then you will have to do things seperate. Tell him you will be responsible for half the household bills and your own luxuries and he is responsible for his. Then start going out and enjoying yourself. Always remember to invite him along. When he starts saying he can't afford to, then you can say that you will help him.

Lovella

Thanks guys. We do live together - we're married but none of our finances are linked as I was already in lots of debt when we got together and it kept things easier if we were seperate. I will just carry on plugging away at my debts then and hope that he finally wakes up to his own. It's easier said than done though, because at the end of the day, even though we're not financially linked - we are a couple and I will need to bail him out if things get worse.

natters_2

My OH refused to see the problems we had, always saying it can't be that bad, you always manage to sort things out - by this time I was stressed, depressed, angry, sad and many other things.

I decided to take drastic action and I defaulted on every single credit card payment, stopped robbing peter to pay paul and OH thought he could just keep applying for credit - the defaults put paid to that and he had to accept we were so deep in the mire that something needed to be done.

He is also fond of coming up with comparisons and said I feel like I'm on a boat and it is sinking - I can see land, and just hope I can make it to the shore before I drown.
My reply was, while your busy looking at the view, I'm in the engine room frantically bailing out with a bucket full of holes, if you got down here and helped it would make the chances of getting there a hell of alot easier!.