Think I'm ready to start a family but scared of losing independence

becs

It sounds as if you are not quite ready yet to sacrifice these things.

I do disagree with the posts though that say there is never a right time to have a baby and that if you planned it you would always come up with an argument not to do it just yet. My dh and I got married 2 years ago and decided before we were married that we were ready to start a family. We'd moved into a new home and had modernised it to exactly the way we wanted it for ourselves and our future family, we deliberately didn't overstretch ourselves on the house financially so we are in a good financial position. I'm now 36 and dh is 31, unfortunately the very month we started trying for a baby I started having problems and was diagnosed with a tumour 12 months later, we're now getting on top of it with medication and hope that this will mean we will be able to have our much longed for baby soon. There is no argument that either of us can come up with as to why we should not have a baby now. I think if there is any uncertainty then it probably means you're not quite ready. I would give it a year, look for a new job that you really want and see how you feel about it next year.

ailuro2

get rid of the debt and live within your means first, then you will be financially stable enough to afford a child.

Sacrificing things (time,money,sleep,quality time with partner etc) is what you do when you have kids, if you're not prepared to do that, then think long and hard about having any.

They are all worth it in the end, but it's a recipe for disaster if both of you aren't up for it right now.

aliasojo

Children? *shudder* Run, run whilst you still can.

Sorry, that wasn't helpful was it?

(I have 3 btw :rolleyes: )


It's normal to feel scared. I think most of us at one time or other will have experienced a moment of panic even if we desparately wanted kids to start with. Only you know if your moment of panic is of a level where it's telling you now isn't the right time or not. Instincts are wonderful things you know, we have them for a reason.

Catzpaws

Thanks for your thoughts and comments about the situation... it's given me some food for thought.

I definitely DO want children. When I say I've never felt particularly broody, what I have meant is that, growing up, I'd never thought at all about wanting 'babies' at all - although in the back of my mind, it was something that I was going to do at some stage. Some of my friends are baby-mad! And, that was never me really.

However, since getting married, I have to say that there has been a gradual or definite shift in my mindset. Perhaps I'm there But, I now think that, yes, it seems a bit too soon.

Our current financial obligations are definitely based on two people bringing home the bacon. Once we've busted the debt and trimmed outgoings, we'll be able to cope with maternity leave. This is the thing I'm planning for more than anything - not the cost of buying things. But, after that, I will need to go back to work at some point as we couldn't afford for me not to work. Mortgages need paying after all!

B.Inky, it's hard, isn't it? You want to have it all, but also you know you can't. Also, at some point, there will be conflict in the different priorities. But then, I guess these priorities totally change, and you work to a new agenda.
OH is totally supportive, and is definitely not pressurising me in any way. It's me... I feel a bit bad as I feel that I'm messing him around as he was so excited about 'the plan'. We had a chat at the weekend and he's said that he wants me to be happy, and if I feel that should wait, then that's what we'll do.

Hard to explain, but I feel that I need to get something out of my system: to see the world, to accomplish something, to have an adventure. Thinking about it, I don't think that it's the perfect career that I'm looking for. It's more about freedom and possibilities. I think that's telling me that I'm not quite ready, isn't it????

But, I know that at 32, I shouldn't wait around too long.

CP

Catzpaws

becs wrote: »

It sounds as if you are not quite ready yet to sacrifice these things.

I do disagree with the posts though that say there is never a right time to have a baby and that if you planned it you would always come up with an argument not to do it just yet. My dh and I got married 2 years ago and decided before we were married that we were ready to start a family. We'd moved into a new home and had modernised it to exactly the way we wanted it for ourselves and our future family, we deliberately didn't overstretch ourselves on the house financially so we are in a good financial position. I'm now 36 and dh is 31, unfortunately the very month we started trying for a baby I started having problems and was diagnosed with a tumour 12 months later, we're now getting on top of it with medication and hope that this will mean we will be able to have our much longed for baby soon. There is no argument that either of us can come up with as to why we should not have a baby now. I think if there is any uncertainty then it probably means you're not quite ready. I would give it a year, look for a new job that you really want and see how you feel about it next year.

Becs, really sorry to hear about your illness. Hope you get better soon and are able to start trying again for children. All my best wishes for you both.