Think I'm ready to start a family but scared of losing independence

Catzpaws

OH (34) and I (32) have been together for 8 years and married for 2. We've been talking about starting a family for a while now. It was always something that I would do 'at some point', but I've never been particularly broody. He's been ready for a while - a lot of his peers are now moving on to their second child - and he feels more of a sense of urgency than me.

A few months ago, we decided that it was time. We set a date to commence the baby-making :T, and I've been furiously doing the sums and (trying to) squirrell sums away. The whole 'watching money' and thinking 'I can't afford this' has been driving me mad! I feel like I've lost my freedom to some extent.

I've always been fiercely indpendent. I've dedicated time to studying/working hard hard hard. I feel like I've built things up - and have stuff that is my own... own money, own indpendence. I've now been in my current job for 4 years, and, whilst I love the nature of the job, it's not the right company for me. I would love to move to another job, but am wary of sacrificing the stability - not to mention my maternity leave rights, etc. So, on one hand, I think I ought to just play it safe and just stay where I am - and not thinkabout what *I* want from my career and my aspirations. Then, on the other hand, I think 'well, I can't put my life on hold' for the 'pregnancy plan' and think that I should pursue my desires (e.g. look for new job, etc.), and do the 'pregnancy plan' at the same time (e.g. start trying in May is the plan, and also to save/bust debts, etc.) - even if they will at some point conflict with each other.

I kind of feel held back at the moment because of this... and it's making me question whether I'm ready. I love my OH to bits, and while we have our ups and downs, he'll be a fantastic dad. And, I thought I was ready. But, I am really scared of losing my independence.

Does anyone feel like this? Shall I put the plan on hold for a few months?

Catzpaws

Just to mention, the reason why I was going to start trying in May was because it would be the earliest opportunity after I finished my professional qualification.

specsappeal

i understand that you dont want to lose your independence but as a mother myself all i can say is that once you hold your child for the first time your world will revolve around that child. who knows you may not want to go back to full time work or even stay in the same work sector you are in now. as for should you put the plan on hold because you may want to change jobs, have you thought that it could take you a while to get pregnant? how long are you prepared to hold on? and finally money wise you will manage - babies believe or not dont need lots of 'stuff' just lots of love! and it will have two parents - it wont all be down to you and you will both have to agree to have 'me time' many people who decide they want children have lots of plans on how things will be after and sometimes think that a baby will slot right into the lives they lead now and to be honest it just doesn't work like that most of the time - your life will be different from that moment on but that shouldn't scare you as most parents agree that it is the best thing they ever did. not sure if anything i have said makes sense but i wish you luck in whatever you decide. Bottom line if you want children then stop worrying and embrace the change!!

SandC

Well I don't have children so my response may surprise but I say leave out the contraception but don't be actively 'trying'. Leave nature to its course and see what happens.

No time is ever the best time unless having a baby is your only focus in life.

galvanizersbaby

Catzpaws wrote: »

I kind of feel held back at the moment because of this... and it's making me question whether I'm ready. I love my OH to bits, and while we have our ups and downs, he'll be a fantastic dad. And, I thought I was ready. But, I am really scared of losing my independence.

Does anyone feel like this? Shall I put the plan on hold for a few months?

Hello Catzpaws

I think many people fear (to some extent) as you do re losing the independence bit - having a baby will change both your lifes dramatically and your career plans will have to take a backseat at some point if you are going to go ahead with the baby plan

That's my personal view but then again when I starting trying for a family I had got where I wanted/needed to be career wise but I can see where your coming from as you aren't in that position just yet with your qualifications/job etc...

To be perfectly honest (hope it doesn't offend):o you don't sound as if you are quite ready yet to start your family - could you wait perhaps until next year when you will be qualified and perhaps in a job that you want to be in?
You say in your post that your OH feels more of a sense of urgency that you - would he be ok with this?

Loopy_Girl

If you are resenting a baby that isn't even here yet as you feel you are losing your independence and are more focused on your career aspirations then having a baby then you're absolutely not ready to have a baby.

If you are getting hacked off now putting money away and having to deny yourself, then the constant drain a newborn and beyond has on your finances will be a real shocker.

You are too interested in your needs just now - and that's not a bad thing - at least you have identified that.

I would even go one further and say that if you got pregnant, I would suspect there would be resentment from you towards your partner (as he is more desperate than you) and it could cause problems.

If you're not ready, you're not ready - no shame in that. I would agree with you though that it needs to be put on the back burner.

Pssst

I tend to agree with Loopy girl. Maybe you should agree that the issue has to be addressed and set a deadline by which you will make a final decision,say in a months time. That way you will have both been tightly focussed on it. Could it be that you dont want children and now that time is passing,you are feeling painted into a corner?

Triggles

I have to agree with Loopy as well. Once the baby arrives, realistically speaking, there IS a big change in money and time available to you. If you're already frustrated with it now, you may not be ready yet. But the best thing to do is talk about it with your OH and see where that leads. Hope you work it out.

flea72

tbh, i think planning a pregnancy is where it all goes wrong, as you will always find a good reason not to have a baby. However, leaving it to nature means you only have to think about it once it happens, and tbh most people get on and deal with it ok

i agree with above, stop the contraception and see what happens. who knows, you may be fall pg immediately, but most GPs will tell you the average time to conceive is usually 12+, so thats a long time to be putting your life on hold

I have 3 children, the first was a totally unexpected, so we just got on and dealt with it. The next two were planned, and i can honestly say, dealing with the 'surpise' was so much easier. even though we wanted more children, we could still reason any argument not to have any more, ie the house is too small, we'd need a bigger car, what about childcare, returning to work etc. and we kept putting it off. Suffice to say, i now have large age gaps between all my children, and i feel like i kept getting my life back on track, and then id go back to having a baby again. I just wish we'd got on and done with it, rather than waiting for the 'right' moment, because there never is a 'right' moment

Flea

Loopy_Girl

I agree there's never a 'right' moment but this is clearly a very 'wrong' moment for the OP. Everyone has doubts but her feelings are pretty strong on the matter. It's different thinking 'ooh, how will I cope/manage my money' to getting hacked off at not being able to spend money even before conception has happened.

I of course was in a different kettle of fish entirely as my pregnancy was a 'happy accident' so I just had to get on with it!:o

galvanizersbaby

flea72 wrote: »

tbh, i think planning a pregnancy is where it all goes wrong, as you will always find a good reason not to have a baby. However, leaving it to nature means you only have to think about it once it happens, and tbh most people get on and deal with it ok

i agree with above, stop the contraception and see what happens. who knows, you may be fall pg immediately, but most GPs will tell you the average time to conceive is usually 12+, so thats a long time to be putting your life on hold

I have 3 children, the first was a totally unexpected, so we just got on and dealt with it. The next two were planned, and i can honestly say, dealing with the 'surpise' was so much easier. even though we wanted more children, we could still reason any argument not to have any more, ie the house is too small, we'd need a bigger car, what about childcare, returning to work etc. and we kept putting it off. Suffice to say, i now have large age gaps between all my children, and i feel like i kept getting my life back on track, and then id go back to having a baby again. I just wish we'd got on and done with it, rather than waiting for the 'right' moment, because there never is a 'right' moment

Flea

I think this is a good idea and I like it in theory - i.e. leaving it to nature - but then again you have to factor in getting your body ready for pregnancy - i.e. taking folic acid/stopping smoking, drinking etc... so in practice this may not be so easy.
I gave up smoking/alcohol 3 months before I started TTC but then again I guess I tend to plan towards everything in my life (as best I can anyway)

When I was trying to concieve they advised that if you were still TTC after 12+ months then you should see your GP - I didn't realise it was the average length of time it took!
Has to be said though that you just don't know how long it's going to take regardless of age/health etc....

I think us ladies often have to make these decisions/choices earlier than men due to nature only giving us a limited window of fertility - unfair but nature's way I guess

I have an 18 month gap between my 2 children (2nd child unplanned) so I guess I went for the get it done approach - I think if no 2 child hadn't been a happy surprise I would have had the same putting it off dilema as you flea!