adoption by a step parent

sassygirl_2

Hi, im hoping ive put this in the right place, couldnt think where else to put it.

The story is:

I have a daughter who was conceived in a manner i dont really want to talk about. I was 15 at the time.
Anyway...... trying to be the good parent i allowed her biological donor to see her, as i thought she would be best off with a *dad* ( i use the term loosley)

The *thing* stopped seeing her when she was 2 and hasnt seen her since. He knows where i live but has made no attemt to try and make contact. My daughter is now 10.
I have no idea where he lives and he is not present on my daughters birth certificate.

Now..... I am married, we've been together for 7 yrs and i have 2 children by my husband. My daughter calls my DH Dad and she does know she has a biological thing elsewhere, but she says she's not interested and my DH is her dad, no one else.

We would like for my hubby to be able to adopt my daughter and make it legal, but to be honest i dont want to go down the social services route as it means dragging up alot of the past which i have just about managed to put into a black box at the back of my brain.

Can we do it through the courts alone and without a solicitor?

(well done if you read all that! )

Thanks xx

Flipped27

I went to ask about this when my little girl was younger - I was told that I would have to give up my rights as her parent and then adopt her back with my husband?!

I hope this is wrong, it put me off so much i dropped it there and then...so I will be watching with interest for replies.

I hope you can do it and its easier than I was led to believe.

Flipped

Vomityspice

Sorry, but the news is bad.

If you want to proceed with a step-parent adoption you have no other choice than to go down the social services route.

You can make the application to the court without a solicitor (and there is no real need to pay a solicitor for just filling in the form!), but without a report from your friendly local authority children's team the application is going nowhere.

You probably already know this but..... for a step parent application to be proceed, a social worker will have to come and ask lots of awkward questions. The SW will need to trace your 'donor', and seek his views to the proposed adoption. He cannot veto the adoption, as it is the interest of the child that the court will consider. He may well readily agree as it would get him off paying child support. It doesn't matter that he isn't named on the birth cert, or indeed have parental responsibly. Have a look at http://www.adoption.org.uk/information/step_adoption2.html

Is this what the child wants or is it your choice?

As per the previous post (i type slowly), you DONT have to adopt the child yourself. The law was changed some time ago.

CelticStar

You will definitely have to go down the Social Services route and your daughter will have to speak to SS herself and give her reasons as to why she wants to be adopted, they will also contact the 'donor' as to his views.

I was adopted by my stepfather about 20 years ago and my real mother also had to 'adopt' me when my stepfather adopted me - although I understand that this is not the case now.

To be honest (though all circumstances are different) I feel that when I went through the process I wasn't really old enough (I was 11) to understand what was happening and what the consequences would be. I only acquiesced because my mother and stepfather wanted it and I wanted to make them happy. I, too, said that I wasn't interested in my biological father and that I felt that my stepfather was my dad. But the trouble is that what children say as children isn't always what they feel as teenagers and young adults. In retrospect I feel that although my birth father was/is hopeless he is still my father regardless of whether I am adopted or not and, for me, his lack of interest was not nullified by someone else adopting me, it still hurt and I still had to deal with it.

In your case, reading between the lines, there are a lot of other issues that make things even more complicated. I really wish you a lot of happiness and the best of luck but I think it only fair to warn you that, sadly, having your daughter adopted will not erase what went on in the past from either of your lives, though I understand your reasons for wanting to go ahead with it. I hope I haven't offended in any way as you sound as if you have had a difficult time in the past, I just wanted to give my advice as a child who was adopted - though obviously in different circumstances.

Damzel_In_Distress

Flipped27 wrote: »

I went to ask about this when my little girl was younger - I was told that I would have to give up my rights as her parent and then adopt her back with my husband?!

I hope this is wrong, it put me off so much i dropped it there and then...so I will be watching with interest for replies.

I hope you can do it and its easier than I was led to believe.

Flipped

No that is right,My father is not my biological father-although makes no difference to me or him,And my mum asked about this when i was younger and you do indeed have to sign you rights as a biological mother away-then re-adopt your own child.
In effect it means the "father" would have more rights over your own child-that you would have,as you would be adopting as "his partner" ...If that makes sense?.

So basically your giving up your parental rights for your child,and once they're gone,they're gone,and you cannot have them back.

If god forbid you ever split with the man you are with now-he would have more right to take your daughter than you.

My mum obviously said no to this when it was made clear-and it hasnt made a bit of difference to me or my dad. And it wont to your daughter either-who needs a piece of paper? It doesnt change anything.

Damzel_In_Distress

Vomityspice wrote: »

As per the previous post (i type slowly), you DONT have to adopt the child yourself. The law was changed some time ago.

Have just read this-When was it changed? .I only ask because im not that bloody old-were only talking literally a few years ago when my mum was in a similar situation...I think it was around 7-8 years ago.

Susan_Frost

I have absolutely no idea of these things at all.

However, I would presume that at least in a will your husband could declare he considers your daughter as his own, and she is to be treated as such in case of his death. You could state the same in yours and nominate him as her guardian in case of your death.

Dont know if that is a valid idea or not - but someone on here will.

I'm sure it won't cover everything, like signing for an operation or something, but you would be around for that.

It seems that emotionally, everyone considers your husband her dad, so maybe a piece of paper would not make any difference in that sense.

Good luck

sassygirl_2

Thankyou ever so much for your replies, very much appreciated.

Ive got alot of thinking to do. I wouldnt be happy about the SS getting involved, not because ive got anything to hide but because it will stir alot up form the past and i dont want them talking to my daughter about "him". She's come along way through life and i dont want that setting back.
My sister is adopted by my dad, shes 28 now and my mother did indeed have to adopt her too.

Just another thought........... Would it be possible for me and my husband to obtain a residential order for her instead. Would that give him more rights? Im just worried that if something happened to me, or her that my DH wouldnt be able to give consent for her on my behalf.
In my will my daughter currently goes to my mother, i need to review that too.

thanks again for your responses :A

Vomityspice

"Before the new Adoption and Children Act 2002 came into force on 30 December 2005, the law required that both you and your husband/wife needed to adopt the child, even though one of you was already the child's parent."

Source: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Adoptionfosteringandchildrenincare/AdoptionAndFostering/DG_10021340

You can't make an application for Parental Responsibility (Section 4 Childrens Act 1989), as your husband is not the father. With regards a Residence Order, you could try but I'm not sure the court would agree as the mother is able to exercise PR.

Krystaltips

sassygirl, your husband can apply to the courts for parental responsibility... This would give him the same parental rights as you have and there is no need for SS to get involved there...

My sister wanted to get adopted by my Dad when we were children and they did discuss it... My parents decided it wasn't worth the bother with her biological and with the courts so they didn't in the end... That always bothered my sister... After that she felt maybe my Dad didn't care about her as much as she thought... Although she still had him give her away at her wedding and I'm sure he visits her more than he visits me! (Although she lives round the corner from my Nan... And I'm 15 miles away from them...)

sassygirl_2

Vomityspice, thanks for the info on the childrens act 1989. Ive had a look and found this bit which does seem quite promising
4A. - (1) Where a child's parent ("parent A") who has parental responsibility for the child is married to a person who is not the child's parent ("the step-parent")-

(a) parent A or, if the other parent of the child also has parental responsibility for the child, both parents may by agreement with the step-parent provide for the step-parent to have parental responsibility for the child; or

(b) the court may, on the application of the step-parent, order that the step-parent shall have parental responsibility for the child.