FIL with Dementia - What help should MIL get?

Savvy_Sue

detailista wrote: »

Just a thought, and a minor one really compared to all the advice above but if he did come back home for a while then he'd be elidgable for a 50% discount on his council tax bill for severe mental impairment. My council have the forms online - I guess it should be the same for Wales as England ?

Well, of course MIL is now entitled to the single person occupancy discount! Unless that's over-ridden by some pensioner discount I'm not aware of.

May be worth her getting a benefits check to be sure she is getting all the financial help she is entitled to.

moggylover

skellett wrote: »

The things that you have said are not selfish at all! Most people who watch someone deteriorate from dementia feel the same way! Don't beat yourself up about it..talking is the best medicine!
Hugs to you:A

Since I can't press the thanks button twice: my sincere thanks! I know it is natural to feel as we do - but it still makes you feel "less" somehow:o and as if you are "failing" a family member - even though you know you are not:o

moggylover

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Well, of course MIL is now entitled to the single person occupancy discount! Unless that's over-ridden by some pensioner discount I'm not aware of.

May be worth her getting a benefits check to be sure she is getting all the financial help she is entitled to.

My BIL lives there as well so the single person occupancy will not count, and I suspect that as FIL has a good pension from the Merchant Navy he will have to contribute to care from that (not sure how those things work) but I think she is okay financially (and would not dare to ask too much:o ) and know that BIL will sort that side of it for her.

Many thanks for the thought though:D

reggie

Does fil get attendance allowance? This is not means tested, my dad, who recently passed away, followed the same pattern as your fil, and even when he went into a care home he still had attendance allowance. Also if his health (as opposed to mental health) is not great then you can get rebate from local health board for the 'nursing' part of the fees - it's not a lot but it helps. There's a great organisation in Llanelli called 'Catch up' - there to help people fill in forms and know what entitled to...

FairyElephant_2

moggylover wrote: »

It really is a difficult and horrible time, with such confused emotions involved for us all:o Our Dadchu (Welsh for Grandad) has gone, and has been gone for some time. We have only a shell of a man who looks a bit like him - but otherwise no resemblance, and thus one wants to grieve and yet cannot................... and it really brings home how terribly cruel dementia actually is.

Hi Moggylover,

Sorry to come in right at the end of your thread - but I was looking for some advice/help for my position with my father, which is very similar - and your words I have quoted above exactly sum it up.

My poor mother is at the end of her tether with 'the man who used to be her husband' and although I try to do what I can, it is so diffcult to cope, as we have no other close family around who can help, and I work fulltime and have family commitments of my own with my DH & his children.

It is good to know that your ex-MIL got the help she needed & deserved and gives me hope that we can get our situation resolved in time, too.

Good luck for the future,

FE

moggylover

FairyElephant wrote: »

Hi Moggylover,

Sorry to come in right at the end of your thread - but I was looking for some advice/help for my position with my father, which is very similar - and your words I have quoted above exactly sum it up.

My poor mother is at the end of her tether with 'the man who used to be her husband' and although I try to do what I can, it is so diffcult to cope, as we have no other close family around who can help, and I work fulltime and have family commitments of my own with my DH & his children.

It is good to know that your ex-MIL got the help she needed & deserved and gives me hope that we can get our situation resolved in time, too.

Good luck for the future,

FE

Ah FE! I am so glad that the help I received gives you some hope for the future as well! I know that there are people out there that do not understand the enormity of dementia and the horror of the situation that families find themselves in - but I got nothing but kindness and help from the lovely people on MSE, and my MIL is feeling much less stressed and tired (although still having trouble with her knee - so it must have been a darned good kick) and even coming to terms with her "failure" (:rolleyes: as she sees it) in asking that he be taken into permanent care.

The irony of it is that it is only 5 or 6 years ago that she retired from working in a care home for the elderly - and she feels dreadful that she could care for them but not her own husband, and it has been hard to make her feel okay about the fact that it is a whole different ball game looking after someone in that sort of extreme stage when you have back-up from other trained staff and procedures and equipment in place to make the coping possible. Furthermore, when you go to work to do it you do actually get to come off shift and get some rest - which she was not able to do for over two years since he would get up in the middle of the night and start packing to go back to sea! Only 25 years since he retired:D but he was insistent that she help him pack and got him to the train station:D .

We were asked not to visit for a while as us going the first week appeared to upset and unsettle him greatly - but we are told that he is settling in well now and that MIL and BIL can go in this weekend and the rest of us later if that visit goes well.

Good luck with getting the assistance your family needs: there are those much more knowledgable than me that will rush to give you more advice here should you need it.

Have a hug, and my sympathy on what you are all going through: it does get better once a solution is found I promise.

margaretclare

Hi Bronwen

I understand what you say above about working in a care home and 'being able to cope'. It's only the fact that, as you say, the shift will end, you can come home and resume normal life again, that enables someone to do this work at all. I used to go away living with older people in their homes via a care agency, 2 weeks at a time, and it was only the fact that I had a life of my own and could return to my own interests and pursuits, that I was able to do that work. Mostly those folk were not demented, but some were very peculiar nevertheless. Also, it was the last recession, I was widowed and redundant, and there were few other opportunities. I had to pay the mortgage to keep the roof over my head!

Have recently learned that a guy who was in my form at school died about 3 years ago - of dementia! So he'll only have been about 70 when he died, would be 73 or 74 now. His MIL recently celebrated her 100th birthday, lives in a home, but there's said to be 'nothing wrong with her memory' and her brain is pin-sharp.

moggylover

margaretclare wrote: »

Hi Bronwen

I understand what you say above about working in a care home and 'being able to cope'. It's only the fact that, as you say, the shift will end, you can come home and resume normal life again, that enables someone to do this work at all. I used to go away living with older people in their homes via a care agency, 2 weeks at a time, and it was only the fact that I had a life of my own and could return to my own interests and pursuits, that I was able to do that work. Mostly those folk were not demented, but some were very peculiar nevertheless. Also, it was the last recession, I was widowed and redundant, and there were few other opportunities. I had to pay the mortgage to keep the roof over my head!

Have recently learned that a guy who was in my form at school died about 3 years ago - of dementia! So he'll only have been about 70 when he died, would be 73 or 74 now. His MIL recently celebrated her 100th birthday, lives in a home, but there's said to be 'nothing wrong with her memory' and her brain is pin-sharp.

Hi MC, thank you for those comments, my MIL had come to the stage where she had no life at all, and even if one of us relieved her whilst she went shopping for a short while the intense worry remained. Even going to the loo involved leaving the door of the loo open, or trying to make sure that he could not get into the kitchen (and gas stove and hot water to provide danger) or out of the house. The locks on the bathroom had had to be removed anyway since he could not be allowed to lock himself in anywhere, and sleeping became a "one-eye open" affair to ensure that he did not wander and endanger himself or others.

I have kept drumming this in to her:D and I think it is finally beginning to get through and she is certainly enjoying being able to sleep undisturbed and unafraid.

pineapple123

Hi Moggylover,
I can relate to how you all must be feeling, my mother suffers with Dementia and when she went into care 4 years ago I felt the same as your MIL as I am a qualified nurse, I stuggled with feeling that Id let her down by not doing more to keep her in her own home.
I have seen the effects on family members continuing to stuggle to care for a loved one with dementia at home even with a full package of care but this didnt ease my guilt, however over time Ive come to terms with the care home decision that as a family we made, and now I dont feel any regret I know that this was the right decision as we did it out of love for my mother, four years on she is happy and settled and no longer at risk to herself.