FIL with Dementia - What help should MIL get?

moggylover

Edinburghlass wrote: »

If he is ex services there could be help there for respite for MIL or if he had been a Lodge member perhaps?

Sorry Edielass! Had a couple of hectic days and did not come back to the thread.

He was in the Merchant Navy for donkeys years but I think we are beyond respite care now that he is getting violent. BIL, myself and my ex have all been on the phone a lot Thursday and Friday, and the Doctor has also joined in and confirmed that MIL cannot be expected to cope with him anymore.

He is therefore being referred for an urgent re-appraisal with the Mental Health people with a view to permanent care which is just such a relief for MIL although we are all really sad it has come to this.

He was such a clever chap (captain in the Merchants and could talk about the places he had been for hours and was also great to talk to about all sorts of things) and very fastidious and a bit of a "neat freak" so it is really hard to see him like this.

moggylover

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all for your advice here: it really gave me some idea of which direction we needed to go in and also really confirmed that we were right in thinking that he needed to go in to care now.

As posted above, between myself and my ex and my BIL and the doctor we have got to the point of waiting an urgent re-appraisal by Mental Health Services (last one was over a year ago and the deterioration has been alarming since then) with a view to them finding him permanent care.

Came up against one particularly unpleasant/unhelpful lady from Social Services which was the sticking point at first, but with the advice given on here we knew to be more insistent and also to go around her (as she has been the first point of contact until now) and we are assured that they will treat the matter with some urgency. BIL is currently staying off work to help his mum (and they refuse to let me do any because I'm not big enough to restrain him:rolleyes: and am disabled anyway) but I am deputised to make sure that the assessment doesn't get "forgotten" and chasing people up.

Again, many, many thanks for the advice. We all felt very scared for MIL at first and had no real idea of whether we were being unreasonable in thinking that there should be more help in the circumstances and your guidance was invaluable at a time when we were all rather shaken and sad.

Thank you all sincerely

Moggy

Mojisola

Glad things are moving on. It's a horrible situation and I hope things move quickly now.

Maybeanotherday

Hi I work in mental health services and was wondering if your father in law attends any day centres? These can be access by mental health services, but with a diagnosis of dementia he should already be in touch with someone like the memory service? Memory service can help refer them further for more input...
Might be worth asking your mother in law if he's seeing anyone already?
Good luck :money:

moggylover

skellett wrote: »

Hi I work in mental health services and was wondering if your father in law attends any day centres? These can be access by mental health services, but with a diagnosis of dementia he should already be in touch with someone like the memory service? Memory service can help refer them further for more input...
Might be worth asking your mother in law if he's seeing anyone already?
Good luck :money:

Thanks skellett - but he is way too difficult for the day centres to handle now (and was even over a year ago when first assessed:o ) so we are just waiting now for the assessment that will mean him going into care:( .

Maybeanotherday

moggylover wrote: »

Thanks skellett - but he is way too difficult for the day centres to handle now (and was even over a year ago when first assessed:o ) so we are just waiting now for the assessment that will mean him going into care:( .

ell good luck with the care home..if you need any advice pm me directly if you like as this is my speciality so to speak:rolleyes:

moggylover

skellett wrote: »

ell good luck with the care home..if you need any advice pm me directly if you like as this is my speciality so to speak:rolleyes:

Many thanks skellett, your offer is much appreciated but I think we are okay now as FIL went into a specialist care facility in Cardigan yesterday. I am not totally certain that this is the permanent one (and if it is they really have moved fast:j ) as I got that information from my ex not his mum and I think he is in total avoidance of reality at the moment:o . It really is a difficult and horrible time, with such confused emotions involved for us all:o Our Dadchu (Welsh for Grandad) has gone, and has been gone for some time. We have only a shell of a man who looks a bit like him - but otherwise no resemblance, and thus one wants to grieve and yet cannot. It is dreadful to say, but he really would have been better off leaving quietly when he had pneumonia at the start of last year (actually this is the first year in 15 that he has not ended up with pneumonia or serious chest problems - but is also the first year he has not had flu vaccination as MIL could not get him to comply:rolleyes: ) as he has absolutely no dignity or quality of life left, and (yes I now this is selfish) the pain for those of us watching/caring is horrendous:o . It is made especially difficult since we know that his brother (whom I do not know well) is also in this advanced stage and in care at the moment and that both men were so extremely intelligent (brother was a professor of something really brainy like applied physics) and it really brings home how terribly cruel dementia actually is.

I want to add another huge thank you for all the advice given here - it really was good to know where we had to go to ensure that MIL got the help she so dreadfully needed, and that we were not being unreasonable in thinking that we could not (as an extended family) be expected to cope any longer with the extreme behaviour he was exhibiting.

Thank you all - have a big hug each from me for your help. I'm off cos I'm feeling a bit "fragile" and keep filling-up at the almost finality of this step.:o

detailista

Hi Moggylover,

I'm pleased to hear that a place has been found for your FIL. I hope you are able to have some rest and take care of yourself for a while too, sounds like you've all been rallying round and done amazingly.

Just a thought, and a minor one really compared to all the advice above but if he did come back home for a while then he'd be elidgable for a 50% discount on his council tax bill for severe mental impairment. My council have the forms online - I guess it should be the same for Wales as England ?

Good luck with everything and let us know how he's getting on.

x bronwen

Maybeanotherday

moggylover wrote: »

Many thanks skellett, your offer is much appreciated but I think we are okay now as FIL went into a specialist care facility in Cardigan yesterday. I am not totally certain that this is the permanent one (and if it is they really have moved fast:j ) as I got that information from my ex not his mum and I think he is in total avoidance of reality at the moment:o . It really is a difficult and horrible time, with such confused emotions involved for us all:o Our Dadchu (Welsh for Grandad) has gone, and has been gone for some time. We have only a shell of a man who looks a bit like him - but otherwise no resemblance, and thus one wants to grieve and yet cannot. It is dreadful to say, but he really would have been better off leaving quietly when he had pneumonia at the start of last year (actually this is the first year in 15 that he has not ended up with pneumonia or serious chest problems - but is also the first year he has not had flu vaccination as MIL could not get him to comply:rolleyes: ) as he has absolutely no dignity or quality of life left, and (yes I now this is selfish) the pain for those of us watching/caring is horrendous:o . It is made especially difficult since we know that his brother (whom I do not know well) is also in this advanced stage and in care at the moment and that both men were so extremely intelligent (brother was a professor of something really brainy like applied physics) and it really brings home how terribly cruel dementia actually is.

I want to add another huge thank you for all the advice given here - it really was good to know where we had to go to ensure that MIL got the help she so dreadfully needed, and that we were not being unreasonable in thinking that we could not (as an extended family) be expected to cope any longer with the extreme behaviour he was exhibiting.

Thank you all - have a big hug each from me for your help. I'm off cos I'm feeling a bit "fragile" and keep filling-up at the almost finality of this step.:o

The things that you have said are not selfish at all! Most people who watch someone deteriorate from dementia feel the same way! Don't beat yourself up about it..talking is the best medicine!
Hugs to you:A

moggylover

detailista wrote: »

Hi Moggylover,

I'm pleased to hear that a place has been found for your FIL. I hope you are able to have some rest and take care of yourself for a while too, sounds like you've all been rallying round and done amazingly.

Just a thought, and a minor one really compared to all the advice above but if he did come back home for a while then he'd be elidgable for a 50% discount on his council tax bill for severe mental impairment. My council have the forms online - I guess it should be the same for Wales as England ?

Good luck with everything and let us know how he's getting on.

x bronwen

Thanks for that Bronwen, will bear that in mind but I suspect that he will be staying in care permanently now, and I know that my MIL is hoping not to have to cope again. She has coped with the great majority of the hassles on her own (stubborn old moo:D ) and my only real contribution has been phone calls and organising and the odd bit of shopping and stuff, so the one that deserves a week in bed with pampering is MIL - and she certainly will not go for that:rolleyes: .