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Bank of Dad
Caz3121
Posts: 15,913 Forumite
Not sure if this is best here on on the Relationships board but wondered if anyone else had been through something similar.
My partner and his ex are divorced and consent order in place, he pays £475 per month to ex (slightly more than CSA rates) and in addition pays phone rental, kids pocket money and also kids travel (averages out about £100 per month.) Ex also 'expects' that any other expenses for the kids such as school uniform, trainers should be paid by him as poor her has no money.
Kids are 14/15 and mother now works part time and receives tax credits of £10k per annum so after CM transferred she is better off in £s. (she previously didn't work for a number of years and was happy to live off benefits and maintenance)
She is a heavy drinker and smoker and much of her income is spent on this and nights out (but that is her choice) although when the children ask her for money she tells them to ask their father as she has no money, cannot afford food and is living on the breadline.
Due to paying out half his salary to ex for the first 4 years of separation my partner still has a fair bit debt so literally has about £50 for himself left for the month after bills, maintenance etc paid. (all credit cards now chopped up)
Kids get their pocket money monthly and blow it then phone for more and he has had to say no which creates hell....daughter wouldn't speak to him for a month and now son leaving abusive comments about what a hard life his mother has and he doesn't give her enough money to feed them and he is selfish.
It doesn't help that they are 400 miles away.
Neither will get part time jobs as it would interfere with their social lives and both smoke (mother buys their cigarettes for them) they just expect to be given money when they want it and it feels like emotional blackmail to say give me money so I will be talk to you. I am pretty sure the mother does not help with constantly pleading poverty (although there is always no shortage of booze and cigarettes)
I think much of this is the years they have seen their mother not working but having money given to her so expect they can do the same. They do not realise in the real world you have to work to get paid and once it is gone it is gone. I am sure they would be happy for their father to work a second job to be able to pay more but would not expect mum to do anything.
He is stuck between rock and hard place - give them money to keep peace, they will still have no work ethic and his debt will grow (currently will take 5 years to clear) or stick to his guns and be the baddie.
My partner and his ex are divorced and consent order in place, he pays £475 per month to ex (slightly more than CSA rates) and in addition pays phone rental, kids pocket money and also kids travel (averages out about £100 per month.) Ex also 'expects' that any other expenses for the kids such as school uniform, trainers should be paid by him as poor her has no money.
Kids are 14/15 and mother now works part time and receives tax credits of £10k per annum so after CM transferred she is better off in £s. (she previously didn't work for a number of years and was happy to live off benefits and maintenance)
She is a heavy drinker and smoker and much of her income is spent on this and nights out (but that is her choice) although when the children ask her for money she tells them to ask their father as she has no money, cannot afford food and is living on the breadline.
Due to paying out half his salary to ex for the first 4 years of separation my partner still has a fair bit debt so literally has about £50 for himself left for the month after bills, maintenance etc paid. (all credit cards now chopped up)
Kids get their pocket money monthly and blow it then phone for more and he has had to say no which creates hell....daughter wouldn't speak to him for a month and now son leaving abusive comments about what a hard life his mother has and he doesn't give her enough money to feed them and he is selfish.
It doesn't help that they are 400 miles away.
Neither will get part time jobs as it would interfere with their social lives and both smoke (mother buys their cigarettes for them) they just expect to be given money when they want it and it feels like emotional blackmail to say give me money so I will be talk to you. I am pretty sure the mother does not help with constantly pleading poverty (although there is always no shortage of booze and cigarettes)
I think much of this is the years they have seen their mother not working but having money given to her so expect they can do the same. They do not realise in the real world you have to work to get paid and once it is gone it is gone. I am sure they would be happy for their father to work a second job to be able to pay more but would not expect mum to do anything.
He is stuck between rock and hard place - give them money to keep peace, they will still have no work ethic and his debt will grow (currently will take 5 years to clear) or stick to his guns and be the baddie.
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Comments
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stick to guns and be a baddie... when they are old enough to understand ie in their 20`s and have families of their own, they will get it... I have 2 step kids, one of my own from a previous and 1 with hubbie, his son was very spoiled when my hubby and his ex wife where together, business was good and they had plenty of spare cash, but wen they split, my hubbie (not good at paperwork) let things slide andwent bankrupt, he gave all the house, cars and any cash to his ex and took all the debt. My piont is is that she still expcts him to give the son all the stuff he used to get and more for compensation for not being around, but what she does not realise is that we are in a recession, business is bad and he has 4 kids now not 2. We have to live a life too. All this emotional blackmail crap annoys the hell out of me...:mad:0
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I agree - pay the minimum he has to pay, ie the CSA amount, and then tell her to go to the CSA if she isn't happy - nobody can force him to pay more except his own self!! He isn't doing them any favours by cossetting them all the time - they won't learn the value of money or how to deal with it properly if they are constantly given it with no need to earn it. He has his own life too now, and is not shirking his responsibilities, so I would tell him to stop being so soft, and tell his kids to grow up!!! I have a 20 year old at uni who cannot or rather will not be sensible with money so I don't help her out. She has to learn the hard way - why should I help her when she has CHOSEN to spend the money on photos or takeways rather than spend it on bills that need to be paid? Her choice, she has to deal with the consequences. That's the only way we learn in my book!!!! When she has learned how to be sensible, then she can have some money, but not until then!!!0
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and thats how im going to be with my daughter. when she leaves school and goes to college in sep, she is getting a job, and she`s on her own. If she`s sensible she will get all the help in the world, but if she chooses to "blow" it she`s gonna learn the hard way.0
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my thoughts too - between grandparents and dad they get about £80 per month.
I spoke to step son about EMA for going to 6th form next year to which he responded he didn't need the money but somehow expects that he is going to have a scooter to go to college on.....0 -
ha ha... we are going through the scooter thing at the min. when we said we could not afford one, his answer was I Quote "well you better go and get finance for one then had`nt you"0
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To which you replied "I don't think so matey".0
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hiya,
me and my oh were in the same position as you but it does get easier,
like you we were paying csa whilst paying for everything else at the same time,
school unifrom / pocket money / mobile contract (which there mother took out for them) / travelling / school trips / clothing / day out money / £50 a week to the mother,
well everything really whilst i was trying hard to get oh`s debt sorted.
they told us there mother would sit crying every morning complaning she had no money but yet she was happy to be on benefits & to take as much as she could off us then go fly off on holidays!
the way we did it was to go to the solicitors and get them to send a letter to the mother ( along with a few other issues money was one), in the letter it stated that csa was been paid so additional demands for money must not be made,
so now csa is been paid and the kids get pocket money into there accounts.
horrible thing to do but i was at my whits end, so do stick to your guns!
we never know it might teach them some respect :rotfl:
stick to it huni0 -
ha ha... we are going through the scooter thing at the min. when we said we could not afford one, his answer was I Quote "well you better go and get finance for one then had`nt you"
LOL
Been there.... had all of that.... and much more!
Our teen actually got a job and bought his own....result!0 -
kelloggs36 wrote: »To which you replied "I don't think so matey".
LOL
Something much much stronger than that springs to mind
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thanks all, it is just crazy the behaviour....he wanted more money as he owed his mother money and to buy cigarettes...still leaving abusive comments! His dad has left him vm suggesting he speak like a grown up as otherwise things will not be resolved.....guess there will be a while to wait for that. He has had £25 extra this month so far and got pocket money 2 weeks ago. Wonder if who he will borrow off to pay dad back....oh no...forgot...that is what dad is there for!0
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