Ooops. Redundancy and marriage proposals hardly go hand-in-hand

SDH

So my OH is going to made redundant at end of april.

Over the past 8 years of us being together he has 5 different jobs all with periods of unemployment inbetween (where I supported us financially)
Now previously he has been really bad at applying for jobs - to the point where I have found myself nagging him.....

The unfortunate thing about this job is that he loves it. Talks about it all the time and has won several in-house "awards".
So i understand that he is gutted.

Yesterday someone gave him the details of a very similar job to hos current one. He spent half the evening on the PC "investigating" it.
I asked him about this morning. He said he thought it was too early to start applying for jobs.
I snapped. I hit the roof. and I possibly went too far. Which is where I need your help
I can't remember what order all this happened in but I basically told him
a) he would have to find his "half" of the bills as I wasn't using my savings to bail us out
b) That I was feeling very resentful and how could he expect any emotional support from me, when he won't give me the one thing I want (I want to get married). As all he does it take and doesn't give

Now the last thing I want is a proposal thats is he is pressured into / born from an argument like the above

Now before everyone jumps on the bandwagon re nagging a man about marriage is going to make him do the opposite - I'd like to point out that I don't nag him for an engagement ring every 5minutes. I have told what I want, he said he isn't ready (this is all prior to the redundancy annoucement).

Sorry for length rambling post. I guess I'm just upset

Emmzi

to be blunt - is it time to move on ansd find someone who might be more likely to be ready?

I expect it isn't the supporting that upsets you, it's the lack of effort on his part?

If you have done this 5 times already - I don't think things will change on the 6th. He knows you will pay the bills. he knows you won't leave if he takes his time finding new work. You've shown him numerous times.

If you want a change from him, you have to make a change - and be prepared for the consequences of it not being what you hoped for.

(been there. had to make the painful decision. now with someone whose goals and values are more in line with my own. life should not feel like a struggle all the time..)

Marcheline

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation, the whole thing would be annoying me as well. Has your OH said he NEVER wants to get married? If so, I hate to be blunt, but I think you're wasting your time. Even if he says he wants to get married "in the future" I just think that after 8 years I'd be expecting a proposal too (regardless of any other circumstances) and I know I wouldn't be interested in bailing someone out time and time again while I was waiting for them to decide whether or not they wanted to marry me. Hope it all works out for you.

McKneff

I would put the 'marriage' on hold for a long time yet.
What you are saying to him is you marry me and i will bail you out.
So after yu are married he will expect you to bail him out, keeping your part of the bargain so to speak, time after time, after time.
No amount of nagging will make him want to work, why should be when you keep bailing him out. Sorry to be so blunt, but i think what we are all saying is what you are thinking but not doing.
He will keep doing it as long as you allow him to.

thanksalot

Maybe a little time apart to test the strength of your feelings (both parties) would be a good idea.
Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.

viktory

Have to buck the trend here and say you are way too controlling. It is up to your partner to find (or not!) his own jobs. By all means point out possibles, but leave it there. No more advice, nagging or anything.

Re the marriage. He doesn't want to and you do. So you either accept that he doesn't want and move on or accept he doesn't want to and live with it.

If you cannot support him wholeheartedly and with absolute love then perhaps you should think about moving on.

mrcow

SDH wrote: »

I can't remember what order all this happened in but I basically told him
a) he would have to find his "half" of the bills as I wasn't using my savings to bail us out
b) That I was feeling very resentful and how could he expect any emotional support from me, when he won't give me the one thing I want (I want to get married). As all he does it take and doesn't give

Now the last thing I want is a proposal thats is he is pressured into / born from an argument like the above

I wouldn't worry about it too much - as if he's got half a brain he wouldn't dream of proposing to someone who spoke to him like he was sh*t off their shoe like that.

I wouldn't think a marriage proposal is on the cards any time soon. Not if he's got any sense.

Marcheline

The point is though that they are 'her savings' (and IMO they won't be theirs unless they get married) If she wants to get married and he doesn't then she should move on, they're both wasting their time and no wonder she's frustrated.

miserly_mum

mrcow wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about it too much - as if he's got half a brain he wouldn't dream of proposing to someone who spoke to him like he was sh*t off their shoe like that.

I wouldn't think a marriage proposal is on the cards any time soon. Not if he's got any sense.

I wouldn't think a proposal sounds imminent.....full stop

Why buy a cow when you can MILK one for nothing

mrcow

Marcheline wrote: »

The point is though that they are 'her savings' (and IMO they won't be theirs unless they get married)

That's a very odd way of looking at a long-term relationship. You can have access to my savings only if and when you give in and marry me? Sounds like a real catch [not].

Most couples pitch in together. He's just lost a job he adores. Perhaps he just didn't feel like being nagged about the painfully obvious this morning? Especially by someone who professes to love him?

Love is about give and take and understanding.
It doesn't nag.
It doesn't threaten.
And it certainly doesn't withold access to funds to pay the monthly bills when a partner loses their job.

mrcow

miserly_mum wrote: »

Why buy a cow when you can MILK one for nothing

Depends on the cow.