Ooops. Redundancy and marriage proposals hardly go hand-in-hand

ailuro2

If he's not ready after 8 years, then I don't think he's going to suddenly be hit by a blinding vision to make him change his mind.

It's not the best of relationships if you're arguing like cat and dog when you should be sitting planning the best way to move forward.

It's not a great partnership when you're using YOUR savings to bail HIM out, rather than using OUR savings to bail the house out....

Let's face it, this is a moneysaving site, so, to be blunt, why waste money on a wedding AND a divorce when you could go your separate ways now if you admitted to each other they weren't 'the one' you wanted to have kids and grow old together with.....

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe your ultimatum will make him realise how much he would miss you if you split up....

Only YOU know the answer to his one.

Marcheline

mrcow wrote: »

That's a very odd way of looking at a long-term relationship. You can have access to my savings only if and when you give in and marry me? Sounds like a real catch [not].

Most couples pitch in together. He's just lost a job he adores. Perhaps he just didn't feel like being nagged about the painfully obvious this morning? Especially by someone who professes to love him?

Love is about give and take and understanding.
It doesn't nag.
It doesn't threaten.
And it certainly doesn't withold access to funds to pay the monthly bills when a partner loses their job.

I see where you're coming from, but you and I look at relationships in COMPLETELY different lights and so, we'll never agree. In my view, a 'long term relationship' counts for nothing (I know it's unfashionable nowdays and with divorce so common, what's the point in getting married, blah blah blah) BUT, marriage is not "just a bit of paper" to me.

The problem in the OP's relationship is that she has (eventually) come round to my point of view and her boyfriend is looking at things from your p.o.v still: I think this is an irreconcilable difference.

Silaqui

Such a difficult situation to be in - I can't really comment on the getting married thing, I've never really been that fussed by it (never the kind of girl to sit there plannimg my future wedding!) but I know my b/f wants to someday and so I'll probably go along with it.

Anyway back to the topic, my bf and I were in a similar situation last year. He'd do a job, lose it/get made redundant, find another, etc etc etc. In fact, that period of time is where most of my 3000 cc debt comes from - supporting 2 people on one salary. It is so difficult not to become resentful when the pressure is always on you - when you come home from a days work and ask him how the job hunting has gone and then get snapped at for nagging. When you can't mention how stressed you are feeling over money because you feel guilty because it's not his fault he's out of work. I know it's difficult for the other person too.

I had to make the decision, the last time it happened, to say to him that if he hadn't found anything in the next month he would have to move back to his parents because I simply couldn't afford to fund us both. Luckily he found something, but I would have had to go through with it or I would have been in the proverbial.

Not much advice, just what I did in a similar situation. The relationship issues are difficult to comment on, not knowing you.
Hope something gets sorted out.
x

smartpicture

viktory wrote: »

Have to buck the trend here and say you are way too controlling. It is up to your partner to find (or not!) his own jobs. By all means point out possibles, but leave it there. No more advice, nagging or anything.

So you're saying that if he chooses not to look very hard for a job, and is quite happy to sit watching TV every day and let her pay for everything, she would be considered 'controlling' and 'nagging' if she wanted to express her dissatisfaction with this?

I lived with a guy for 3 years who lost his job shortly after we got together so decided to go 'self-employed', which mostly seemed to involve spending all day on !!!!!! websites, spending our money and wondering why no-one knocked on the door offering him loads of money for no effort. I wasted 3 years being supportive, non-nagging, making suggestions of how he could make his business work (which he never followed through) then backing off so I didn't seem too controlling, and getting more and more frustrated and resentful. Frankly, I was an idiot, and I would advise the OP to make it clear that while she is completely willing to be supportive emotionally and financially if he is putting all his efforts into finding another job and contributing to their relationship in other ways, she's not a mug to be taken for granted while he takes the easy path through life. Once I told my ex to leave, he soon started finding work as he no longer had someone there to pay for everything. Some people will take advantage of you if you don't stick up for yourself (which my ex has admitted himself since).

Re getting married, I'm sorry, but if he hasn't asked you after 8 years, it's not going to happen. It's up to you how much more time and money you want to invest in a relationship that's never going to give you what you really want.

belfastgirl23

Hmm I think there were a lot of issues building up over a long time and when you lost your temper they all spilled out. Which is unfortunate. But water under the bridge and all that.

I do understand where you're coming from actually, it is frustrating to feel you're the only one making an effort in the relationship. I think you need to sit down and talk properly when you're calm and explain to him what you're feeling. I find it really helps if you try to express it all as 'I' rather than it being about what is wrong with him.

EG I feel worried that if you are out of work I will have all the responsibility for paying for our lives
I feel upset that you won't make a commitment to me.

It is a lot harder for someone to turn this type of talk into an argument. Your emotions are legitimate but when you turn them into accusations it is a barrier to talking.

Good luck!

mrcow

Marcheline wrote: »

BUT, marriage is not "just a bit of paper" to me.

The problem in the OP's relationship is that she has (eventually) come round to my point of view and her boyfriend is looking at things from your p.o.v still: I think this is an irreconcilable difference.

I certainly don't see marriage as just a bit of paper. But I also do 100% know that you can be 100% committed to a person and your relationship without marriage being an important factor.

The point that I'm trying to make about the situation in the opening post is that the OP is on a hiding to nothing if she thinks for one second that her outburst this morning is going to somehow make a marriage proposal appear (which is what she initially implied).

He'd be best to run a mile before ever considering marrying someone who tried to emotionally blackmail him into doing it.

viktory

smartpicture wrote: »

So you're saying that if he chooses not to look very hard for a job, and is quite happy to sit watching TV every day and let her pay for everything, she would be considered 'controlling' and 'nagging' if she wanted to express her dissatisfaction with this?

Not at all. The poor bloke hasn't even been made redundant yet! How about giving him some space and some time to grieve before going into nagging mode.

Girlzmum

viktory wrote: »

Not at all. The poor bloke hasn't even been made redundant yet! How about giving him some space and some time to grieve before going into nagging mode.

No, he hasn't been made redundant yet but he will do very soon, there's a chance of a job and he's farting about. I know if that was me I'd be one very p1ssed off lady. If he was so concerned about getting another job he'd be getting out the applications without being 'nagged' at by his partner but no, he'll sit on his rear taking it easy, just as he did the previous 5 times.

Personally I would not want to be married to a man like that so I really wouldn't push in that direction at all.

SDH

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. Its been a very interesting read. He has suddenly started applying for jobs and his current employer has confirmed his last day of work (30th April).
Oh and we did sit down and have a really good talk about our relationship and he says he had no idea I felt that strongly about marriage etc.

ailuro2

it always helps to come right out and say what you need....most of us aren't mind readers or psychics, after all's said and done.

God Luck!