Abuse/Domestic violence.

mspig

Firstly i have been in this situation.
My personal advice would be to go down to your town hall and they have a department that deals with this sort of incidents. Sometimes it is located within the homeless famililies department.

Take some clothes etc with you as usually they will interview you then ring round for a place for you to stay in a refuge centre.
Make sure you are truthfull and tell them everything. Once yur at the refuge centre they will look for accomodation for you, it can take a while but i met some great friends when i was there, and i ended up with a two be flat which was lovely and i started living again.
As regards to the police i would report him but do be aware that if they do take the matter further you need to be prepared to go to court. If he pleads guilty then you won't but if he denies it then you will.

Don't worry its not that scary they take you into a witness room which is usually quite nice and relaxing environment. Most people once they get to court plead guilty as they know you mean business.

If you do go down this avenue i would consider getting an injunction against him.

Don't worry about your belongings the refuge usually will send the police with you and a support officer to pick up your goods.

If you decide not to go down this avenue at the moment, start keeping a diary of what happens and if you have any bruising etc take photos of them they are evidence for the court.

I know its hard and is a very upsetting and makes you feel like "what have i done in my life to deserve this" but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your only 19 and have your life ahead of you be strong, but realise that this situation will never change unless you change it.

Put it this way i put up with being badley beaten for years but i found the mental abuse worse, so it got to a point when i thought i either live with this forever or i change my future.

I'm now happier than ever, not saying its easy its not but like i said before BE STRONG.

If you need anymore information please pm me.

mummysaver

I can only echo what has been said above, but be prepared for your family to make your life difficult, your mother obviously has chosen not to accept what is happening. You haven't mentioned any other family members, but perhaps you could speak to one who lives nearby if possible, and show them any injuries. Families are often reluctant to become involved, but at least they would know the truth.

This is a very difficult time for you, but remember that you do have some power, your brother cannot stop you from being who you are, which is obviously someone who cares enough not to want to have caused any fuss or bother, but now is the time to make a fuss and cause him the bother of having his behaviour stopped.

Please do not worry about your debt, in the grand scheme of things it is very small, and you can always explain the situation to whoever you owe the money to, or I'm sure that the domestic violence police unit or citizens advice would help to liase for you.

Best wishes and well done for admitting what is happening, this is often the hardest part - speak to any of the organisations suggested in previous posts and you will get the help that you need.

black-saturn

I have sent you a PM with a link to my site.

Other than the advice given on that you can seek help from your local women's refuge or you can go to your local council and say that you need housing to flee from a domestic abuse relationship. It doesnt have to be a "romantic" relationship. The council will want proof from the police though that abuse has taken place so you will need to report it to them next time it happens.

Other than that have you got any friends with a flat and a spare bed or settee you can sleep on? Anything has to be better than what you are going through.

I must say though if you want to go down the council accomodation route don't move out and sleep on a friends sofa otherwise they will say you made yourself intentionally homeless.

Evie_P

Charlie1986 wrote:

Hi,
I need some advice fairly quickly on a situation that i feel has now got out of control. I live at home with my mum and brother and for about a year or so now my brother has been physically hurting me. Whether it be with using violence or verbal abuse. It has now gotten to a point where i no longer want to take this sort of treatment and basically want something done about him. My mum knows the situation and has done nothing about it other than say it is my fault as i must have provoked him. Sometimes yes we will be arguing but i am never violent towards him at all. This has started to affect my health and my self confidence has got really low. I am not in the position to move out yet as i am only 19 and i have a debt of around £1500 to pay off first. Does anyone know of any places i can go to. I don't know if i can report him as often there is no evidence to prove this has happened. He is younger than me (16) and i feel as though i am going to get laughed at which is basically what my mum has done. Sorry to go on.

hey there, its diffiult isn't it. particularly if you feel that your mum is not being supportive and due to your situation it is sometimes difficult to feel autonomous and independent. I think zero tolerance is the only option but that is sometimes hard to embrace if you feel you don't have the strength to keep strong.

I don't know where you live, but the police i think are useful as you must report it. I ignored this to my detriment for years as my ex was a PC and told me no one would believe me. if i had pushed for more police involvement sooner, and not bowed in to threats to remove my charge on him. i would be safer now. the police have domestic violence co-ordinator who will assist you. you could maybe meetr at the station as clearly your home environment due to the situation is maybe a little awkward?

You can only be true to yourself so don't try to give in from coercing from family members to give in.

Rights of women on https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk 0207 2516577 or
womens aid - have good outreach services I don't know where you live but 01483 776822 would be able to point you in the right direction.

You are not alone. xx :grouphug:

Charlie1986

Thank you all for your kind replys. I think i have made a few steps in the right direction. I haven't reported my brother as of yet as i believe this will make the situation with my mum and me pretty bad and i don't want that. However i have told a family member and my bf about what has been happening and i am able to go and stay at either of there houses as and when needed. With regards to my debt, i have chopped up my 2 credit cards :eek: and on Monday i started a new job. I also have my driving test at the end of February, which should help if i pass as i can get out the way quickly then and also do overtime to get more money. I have worked out an action plan and all being well should be able to start looking for somewhere for me and my bf to rent around August time, when my debt should be cleared. I am hoping that now i am not around the house as much things may get better, if they do not i shall be reporting my brother.
Once again thank you all so much for your replys, they have help alot :grouphug:

mummysaver

Well done, glad to know that you are making plans, and that you have supportive people around you. Good luck for the future and with your new job, and good luck with your driving test.

cozzie

Don't know if this applies where you are, but, most towns have hostels called "Direct Access". You just walk in and explain the situation. They are clean, most do not allow heavy drug users and if they agree that you are involuntarily homeless, (domestic violence against women is always classed as involuntary), you should be given a single room to yourself and the use of communal lounges, washing machines and showers.

Being in a hostel would put you quite high up on the housing list.

I don't know the costs anymore, but, about 10yrs ago it used to be £2.10pn for unemployed and £5pn for employed. You cannot stay anywhere else until you have been rehoused as this would imply that you have elsewhere to go to, but, saying that I was only in a hostel for a week before I was rehoused.

I hope things get better for you, (sounds like they are and you are the one controlling that) and wish you all the best.

Fairy_Michelle

Dont know if this has been mentioned but if you do not do it already start to write down any times your brother attacks you. But keep it in a safe place where only you know where it is.

ahll

Yes I agree, it is important to keep a record of any abuse you suffer from your brother as at some point in the future you may need it.

You may feel that you dont want to report your brother because it will make things more difficult with your mother. It would seem to me that for your brother to behave in this way he needs help (maybe anger management) and until someone does something about it he wont get that help. He may also go on to abuse other women as he gets older which could include your mother.

But at the end of the day you must do what feels right for you. Good luck

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Charlie, really sorry you're having such a rotten time. All the advice posted here is sensible and good, and it's up to you to decide what you want to do - there's more help and support for domestic abuse than you might imagine.
It's concerning that your mum is condoning the abuse

My mum knows the situation and has done nothing about it other than say it is my fault as i must have provoked him

19 is pretty young to have to deal with this kind of stuff on your own, do you have an older relative you're close to that you could confide in? Hope this helps and best wishes.