urgent help needed

taz01_2

after a lot of pushing on my part he has finally agreed to show me his accounts later today, we were supposed to do it yesterday but he backed out and made some excuses so i didnt go home.
he still believes none of this debt is a problem.. have a look at the figures and see what you think....

£1000 overdraft
£4394 MBNA Credit Card (currently paying min monthly payment)
£4000 Egg Credit Card (currently paying min monthly payment)
£800 Credit card (not sure which one) (currently paying min monthly payment)
£8000 on a natwest loan (£250 monthly payment)
£700 owed to previous employer (£30 a Month payment)

he earns approx £1100 per month
(his bill towards the house are £361 per month)

i want to go through his accounts with him to help him get the best rates on his debts and to budget properly to bring these down as soon as possible, we own a campervan which we could sell for about £2000-£3000 which i think would help but he refuses to sell it
ive never had to tackle this kind of debt before and im not sure how to go about it when he doesnt think its a problem but wish me luck and if anyone has any advice for me before i see him at 6pm tonight i would be grateful

(p.s i cant show him this site as we dont have a computer at home)

Tondella

taz, you can do as much work as possible towards getting these debts shifted but if he won't change his attitude to spending and money he'll just put you back into the same position again. I really believe that you can't help someone except to help themselves, if he isn't onboard then it is all pointless. This may seem like an inappropriate question but are you prepared to stay in a relationship where you disagree so fundamentally on money issues?

Meanwhile, I would definitely enter the debts into a snowball calculator and show him how long they will be around for if he only pays minimum debt - you should be able to print out the table that the calculator produces. This may help him see the light, but if he doesn't start understanding how problematic these debts can become then i can't see how you can help him.

all the best

Thefunkygibbons

You need to be very careful if he does not yet admit the problem

After doing the things advised above see whether he can stick to a budget including drinking little and only at home and no gambling

It might be hard but there may be a "change or I'm leaving" moment coming soon

dont_want_to_be_in_debt

Its horrible to thing about but if he's not going to change now, maybe its time to move on before he drags you down. Yes, if he can discuss it with you and together you can get help thats great, keep supporting him, if not_ he's not who you thought he was. Surely if your sharing a home together you deserve at least honesty, youv'e told him you'll help.
good luck
michele

taz01_2

yes i kind of have reached that breaking point now, i have told him that if he shows me all of his debts and all of his bank statements i will sit with him and go through how to tackle it, i am offering him alot of support, obviously i havent said i will pay any of these off myself because i cant but he now knows that if he doesnt come clean and work with me on this im not going to come home.
i have somewhere i can live if i end up having to walk away but i was hoping i wouldnt have to, what im thinking is that im 25 and i want a future not a lifetime of debts. im only willing to work with him on it if he agree's there is a problem coz right now he is still 'head in the sand'
fingers crossed he has a lightbulb moment sometime today!!!
thanks again you are all helping me stay strong and i really appriciate it

Tondella

you're so young! I'm not advocating splitting up with someone just because they present a burden to you, but think long and hard about what you are prepared to put up with .... don't catch yourself five years down the line wishing that you had seen the light when you were twenty five and left him.

murphy2

Hi Taz

Firstly i think your doing great so far. My girlfriend ( now my wife ) helped me to pull my head out the sand. On more than one occasion, All i can say is make sure he tells you the truth, i have been like this not seeing a problem writting credit card cheques , using cards in atm, God how stupid when i look back , Let him know that this is not a problem that goes away THIS can and will affect the rest of your lifes if not sorted out, If i had taken heed the first time i was helped i would be almost debt free by now , but cos i thouhgt iwas too smart and that i was in control it got all out of control . ( now in a dmp with years to go ) I am really not trying to scare you just please take care , i hate to see others make the same mistakes i have made .

bank_of_slate

Hi Taz,
how's it going?

You need to hammer it home that when it does become a problem...it's too late! Why wait.

I always think that some-one who needs multiple credit cards DOES have a spending problem, because if you were controlled in the first place then 1 card would be enough and you wouldn't have to juggle several.

I would re-iterate that although he seems quite happy to carry on as he is, you on the other hand are not!

Count up what he repays these debts every month, that money could be put to far better use and if he can't see and understand why you have a problem with the situation then it looks like make or break time!
I wish you all the best hunny, keep posting for support.
...Linda xx

Verbatim

How can there be a successful long term relationship unless you can both trust each other? Or rather unless you can trust him to tell you the truth? I agree with whoever (Tondella?) said be careful that his debts don't become yours. I read another thread today by someone whose OH had always said that the debts she'd taken over for him (Because she had a better credit rating and cld get cheaper credit) would remain his. However now they're splitting up and he's saying the only debts that are his are the ones in his name.....So it looks like she'll have to pay back a load of his debt.

taz01_2

We talked last night, he came clean and showed me all of his bank statements and credit card statements. We sat and worked out a budget and he has agreed that for the time being he really cant afford to go out at all but he has said he wants to continue with his skittles once a week but he said he will only take £5 out with him so that he cant overspend
he gave me all his credit cards and cut through all but one, which im keeping hold of for absolute emergencies
he has agreed to get a mini statement every couple of days to keep a check on his account and to make sure he's not going over his overdraft and we are going to look through bank statements together every month

he also made a list of jobs that need doing around the house to keep him occupied at the weekends
i know there is a long road ahead and im expecting it to be hard and i know he will go off the rails at times but i feel so much better that we are making a start towards sorting these debts
thanks to everyone who has helped me over these last few days
Taz