urgent help needed

taz01_2

i have just had a chat with my other half about his continued debt. this chat has resulted in me walking out on him and i am now back at my parents and i have told him i want to know what he owes and how he plans to pay this back before i consider going home.
he has given me some idea of what he owes and based on this i have done a rough estimation that it is somewhere between £18-£20K, how should i advise him on what to do if he says he wants to sort it out
i have never handled this kind of debt and although he knows it needs sorting i dont think he would know what to do either
any advice anyone????

davek1

Hi Taz

First of all go and sit down with your OH talk it through. he is probably embarressed and feeling pretty foolish letting things get this bad. i know i was. Right now you need each other.

Listen to what he has to say and then point him in the direction of CCS or Payplan ( links above) they will not judge him but will provide advise and support to enable him to deal with his debt.

If he will get him to log on to this site and post his statement of affairs he will get loads of support. If it helps he can message me privately and talk it through i recently realised i owe over 40k in debt.

Good luck but please talk to him. He needs your help and support. However it happened it can be sorted.

Dave

jobbingmusician

I guess HE is the one that needs to sort it out, and good luck to the 2 of you.

If he wants to work on it, I would suggest contacting CCCS or PayPlan. They are both charities that help people sort out debt problems. AVOID AVOID AVOID companies that you have to PAY to help you sort yourself out - there are lots of companies that seem to have ripped other MSE's off :mad:

If you are going to work on this together, post a statement of accounts (all your incomings and outgoings - there are lots of threads here that will show you the sort of things) and people on here will give you lots of good advice as to how to reduce your/his outgoings.

Yon don't have to pay his debts, but it will be good if you can help with moral support and good advice from this site. GOOD LUCK!!

taz01_2

many thanks for the advice. he has ageed to meet me tomorrow with a list of all his outgoings/incomings but he still beleives its not a problem at the moment as he thinks making minimum payments is enough. it has taken me 6 months to get 1/2 the truth out of him, there has been alot of lying on his behalf and a lot of snooping on my part which has made me feel very depressed. today was breaking point and i will help him if he agrees its got to stop so watch this space !!! thanks again x

scottishspendaholic

Hi Tax01

Please be there for him - I understand how angry you are but its so easy to get yourself into debt.

To make him realise the extent of his problem - why not help him by listing all the debts into a snowball calculator like here http://www.whatsthecost.co.uk/snowball.aspx - this may help him realistically realise how long he'll be paying back the debts and how much interest he'll be paying.

scottishspendaholic x

kathfisch

taz01 wrote:

he still beleives its not a problem at the moment as he thinks making minimum payments is enough. it has taken me 6 months to get 1/2 the truth out of him, there has been alot of lying on his behalf and a lot of snooping on my part which has made me feel very depressed. today was breaking point and i will help him if he agrees its got to stop so watch this space !!! thanks again x

taz01, i'm sorry to hear about your situation. I agree that what he needs is your support and understanding (as much as you can manage) if he wants to try and sort things out. From what you have said, though, it seems maybe he has not yet had his "lightbulb moment". Until he comes to some realisation about his situation and is determined to change, there really is very little others can do. You can try to help by showing him things like the snowball calculator mentioned earlier, this may give him a shock, but you cannot force him into a change of his attitude that, presumably, he has had for a while.

In trying to make him tell the truth and snooping around you are taking the responsibility on yourself. I know from experience that it is very hard to accept when someone you love does not feel the same about money and debt as you do but it is not your responsibility to make him change and sort things out. It is so hard to make the distance and let someone make their own mistakes but I found a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when I did. In fact as soon as I took a step back and stopped nagging I found my partner much more keen to take the initiative herself.

None of this is to suggest that you are nagging or interfering, simply some of my experiences that might help you.

Don't forget there are always people on here happy to offer advice and support (emotional and financial), best of luck

Kath

mountainofdebt

to fully understand the implications of only paying the minimum payments if you printed out Martin's article on paying minimum payments.

Alternatively see if you can get hold of a capital one application form. I was gobsmacked to see (in black and white) how long it would take to pay back just £1500 if you paid just the minimum payments - it was something really stupid like 20 years :eek: :eek: :eek:

bank_of_slate

Hi Taz, and welcome aboard the good ship MSE!

How are you doing with your other half?

If he hasn't had his 'lightbulb moment' it will be very difficult to get him to change.
DEFINATELY do the snowball calculator at whatsthecost.com If that doesn't shock him into action I don't know what will.
Also look into what the money COULD have bought. Are there any major purchases or house alterations that you need to aim towards in the future. It may assist you to find out what he has spent the money on..has he got anything to show for the spending? this can help to see that he has just frittered it away.
Also, is he happy??? You need to get to the bottom of the reason why he was spending so much, Was he trying to 'buy' happpiness?
Good luck hunny and keep posting.
...Linda xx

taz01_2

hi there, well i have been in touch with my oh a few times since yesterday, he is very much still in denial. he believes that his debts are not out of control but as soon as his bills are paid he is always about £800-900 overdrawn
then he is drwing money out on his credit card to go out to the pub, for example he has drawn £150in the last 3 days on his credit card and he wasted it on fruit machines and lager!
he's adamant he doesnt have a drink or debt problem
ive made it clear im not coming home until he makes a commitment to show me his finances and let me help him budget properly. he doesnt see why i need sight of whats gong on but we own a house together in joint names so i think im within my rights or i will lose my house eventually

i feel quite depressed about the whole situation

bank_of_slate_and_nazi wrote:

Hi Taz, and welcome aboard the good ship MSE!

How are you doing with your other half?

If he hasn't had his 'lightbulb moment' it will be very difficult to get him to change.
DEFINATELY do the snowball calculator at whatsthecost.com If that doesn't shock him into action I don't know what will.
Also look into what the money COULD have bought. Are there any major purchases or house alterations that you need to aim towards in the future. It may assist you to find out what he has spent the money on..has he got anything to show for the spending? this can help to see that he has just frittered it away.
Also, is he happy??? You need to get to the bottom of the reason why he was spending so much, Was he trying to 'buy' happpiness?
Good luck hunny and keep posting.
...Linda xx

bank_of_slate

Hi taz

It is unlikely that he will change until he realises and has his 'lightbulb' moment.
Tread very carefully as you don't want any of his debts linked with you when he sinks under the weight of it all.
The thing that he probably doesn't realise is by the time you acknowledge it's a problem..it's too late!!!!
Good luck hunny, BIG hugs for you
...Linda xx

the*dark*one

Withdrawing cash from a credit card has horrific charges! If you could possibly show him how much money he is actually wasting by doing this alone, it might get through to him?? Your OH really doesn’t sound like he has had his lightbulb moment yet as others have already stated, if you own your home jointly then this is affecting you. I don’t really have any words of wisdom, just wish you lots of luck and *hugs* through this tough time.