anxiety: please help- dont know whether its my resonsibility to sort this out!

dreamer09

hi. quick summary:

this is about my nephew, who is 4. my sister (his mum) has anxiety/ agrophobia issues. she cant take him out anywhere, and the situation has been like this for about 3 years now.

my problem is, he is due to start school in sept. he doesnt go to playschool. last year, i said to myself that i would take him to playschool this term, as he's obviously missing out. however, i then decided (as she seemed to be getting a little more confident, and talked about taking him herself) that it was best to leave it down to her.

i don't want to take over as a: it might then take away a huge incentive for her to ever get better, and b: i will then feel committed to this 'role' forever, which i don't think i can cope with (well, not unless my nephew lived with me, but thats a whole different matter, because she is a good mum in every other aspect).

because of where they live, if i did this- it would mean a pretty hectic routine for me, as i have my own kids to see to at my side of town. it would also cost me a bit of money i would imagine, which i really don't have. the biggest draw back though is that if i commit to this it may mean i have to turn down work if and when it arises.

my sister has been involved with the cmht a coule years ago, and had 6 weeks therapy, which she said made her worse, and she was discharged after this 6 week course. she doesnt see a gp or healthvisitor, and so it seems she is comletely off the radar, and won't ask for help!

what on earth should i be doing here? any advice at all is much appreciated because i'm really, really stuck...

eta: just changed the title as hopefully other anxiety sufferrers/ carers may be able to give advice also.

thanks in advance for replies x

Marcheline

Hi OP, you have a difficult situation there! I see where you're coming from with not wanting/being able to take over and on the otherhand, not wanting your nephew to lose out. I'd point out that have no idea about anxiety/agoraphobia, so my comments might be way off the mark!

In my opinion, it is very important developmentally for a child to mix with other children and I think it will def help him ease into school better if he has been in a playgroup environment. Maybe you could ask your sister to speak to a support organisation such as Anxiety UK http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/condition_agoraphobia.php You could also do some reading yourself on the condition so that you can support her http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/carers.php

Also, your sister should have a Surestart initiative in her local area, they may be able to provide some additional support or tell her about local playgroups for if she starts feeling a bit better etc http://www.surestart.gov.uk/

Does your sister have any family/friends nearby? A sympathetic neighbour maybe? If she has access to the internet, I would also recommend that she goes on www.netmums.com to the 'Meet a Mum' board and she can post a message to other mums in the area and maybe invite someone round to play with her son at her house if she can't cope with going out?

poppysocks1

dreamer09 wrote: »

i don't want to take over as a: it might then take away a huge incentive for her to ever get better, and b: i will then feel committed to this 'role' forever, which i don't think i can cope with (well, not unless my nephew lived with me, but thats a whole different matter, because she is a good mum in every other aspect).

I think the above paragraph sums it up - I think it is a difficult situation, and you are obviously wanting to support her but it has to come from her. She needs to be able to ask for help and her GP should be the first point of contact who can at least listen and give advice etc. There also may be anxiety groups online (does she have internet access?) that may be able to help or have a contact number - e.g. http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/selfhelpgroups.php

Good luck!

wannabe_sybil

I spoke to my Health Visitor about this and now someone helps me take my little bear to playgroup once a week. Perhaps your sister's Health Visitor could help with something similar?

dreamer09

thankyou both to take the time to reply.

i think i really do need to take a more active role in trying to get her help. we are just not the sort of family to talk about things- stupid i know.... myself and other family members take my nephew out, and he spends a fair amount of time with my kids and children of my sisters friends who go and visit her.

i don't think anyone challenges her about it anymore though- not even her good friends, because she is very defensive when asked 'have you spoke to the gp recently?' 'could you not just make it to the corner shop as a start?' etc. maybe we're asking in the wrong way...

those websites look very useful. it's now knowing how to broach the subject and give them too her? yes, she has the net. would an email come across as uncaring?

dreamer09

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I spoke to my Health Visitor about this and now someone helps me take my little bear to playgroup once a week. Perhaps your sister's Health Visitor could help with something similar?

well done for asking for help, i'm really pleased you're doing ok.

my sis doesn't have a health visitor- well, she hasn't seen one for years. is it a social worker or some sort of volunteer that helps you? i think my sister seems to think that official involvement makes her feel worse? she really didnt get anywhere with the cbt therapist.

what happens to school age children? do you know? i very much hope you are recovered by the time your lo starts school, but in situations where parents don't- i suppose social workers are called in? will anyone even realise my nephews not at a school?

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Will she go out with someone rather than alone? Just an idea as small steps, like as you say, a trip to the corner shop, but perhaps accompanied?

Just an idea!

I don't know much about aggrophobia but after my little girl was born i did suffer with a slight depressed slump - i was made redundant just a few days before she was actually born so felt a bit like i was all alone as i have no family around either. This only lasted a few months but the situation does spiral quickly - the longer you stay away from the outside world the harder it is to take those first steps. My only way of getting out was to persuade my few close friends i had left (social life dissapeared) to accompany me, even on food shopping trips. Then i forced myself out of the situation by enrolling in a one day a week college course - my life picked right up again as i am generally a very happy go lucky sociable person! And then i was able to feel ok about going back into some kind of work shortly after.

I got so bad at times (more insecurrity) that i'd take possibly two hours to get ready to just go to the shops and just before stepping out i'd break down and cry and not go out. I may understand how she feels, It is a horrible helpless feeling.

wannabe_sybil

dreamer09 wrote: »

well done for asking for help, i'm really pleased you're doing ok.

my sis doesn't have a health visitor- well, she hasn't seen one for years. is it a social worker or some sort of volunteer that helps you? i think my sister seems to think that official involvement makes her feel worse? she really didnt get anywhere with the cbt therapist.

what happens to school age children? do you know? i very much hope you are recovered by the time your lo starts school, but in situations where parents don't- i suppose social workers are called in? will anyone even realise my nephews not at a school?

My little bear is twenty five months, and this has been in place for around six months. However before that I had a chance of help which I had to turn down as it would have made my situation worse.

It was really hard for me to ask for help, but I have no female relatives at all, and my in laws and I do not really get on. Little bear wasn't meeting other children, wasn't getting to the shops - far worse than your nephew. It was either get help or sink.

It may be helpful to ask her if she needs any help from the family in general to prepare her little one for school. If she has to think what is going to happen, then perhaps she may feel able to ask for help. Also it helped me to define what was and was not acceptable for me.

Yes, it will be noticed if your nephew does not attend a school. Perhaps if you just ask her which school he will be going to it will help.


Also, sorry to in any way be unsupportive, but your sister needs to want to get help and to get things moving, even if it is only a little bit. Without a willingness from your sister it will not get better.

Zziggi

I am surprised no-one has intervened before now when your nephew was 3 or 4 and nursery age.

I know of someone locally who has similar problems. When their son got a place at nursery (attached to the primary school) the health visitor, social workers & consultant had some kind of meeting and put in place care which meant the boy was picked up by a local childminder at 8 am, taken to school by the childminder and also collected from school by the childminder and taken home. Social services paid for this care. After a while i think they changed it so the mum had to take child to childminders house in a morning couple of times a week. I think it is gradually trying to get her to take her son herself but at a slow pace and with medical support.

I'd contact the Health Visitor who can maybe make the correct referal?

Curious_George_2

She needs to talk through her fears with a doctor, or if she wont hear of it maybe you could make an appointment and discuss the options with your doctor, she needs to know that shes not alone but that her child needs as normal an upbringing as she can give him,
The fact that hes missed out on playgroup wont really have hurt him, i know plenty of kids that didnt go that are fine, but he wont be able to miss school without the authorities getting involved and frankly that could make your sister worse, so it needs sorting now

I had post pregnancy anxiety disorder last year with the beginnings of agrophobia and full on incapacitating panic attacks, and it had to stop!
i have 2 children (one of which is school age) and life simply had to carry on,
if it wasnt for my OH i honestly dont know what i would have done but he got me to the doctors and she understood everything i was describing, gave it a name and told me that with the right medication i would be cured
and she was right!
i spent about 8 - 9 months on Citalopram (an anti depressant thats also used for anxiety sufferers) and the attacks stopped, the heavy feelings of not being able to leave the house stopped, i stopped going dizzy and losing my vision when i got worried... and now about 6 months later im fine,
not 100% cured (still dont want to speak to people on the phone... cant quite get my head around that one) but i can go out without a second thought, i know im not going to have an attack, so that doesnt stop me anymore
i take DD to school and my little DS to groups on my own and this time last year that would have floored me, i wont lie to you, it was a spectacularly weird year, and i needed help, it was especially strange as hardly anyone knew ... but im ok now, where as without seeing the doctor i could and probably would still be in the same bad way and getting worse

my OH and those tablets put me back together again, you sound like you care enough to help your sister in the same way

get her on here if you have too, the MSE crowd love to help!
good luck x

Jo_R_2

I suffer with depression and have had a lot of help through social care, which my Health Visitor has accessed for me. I have a Home Start visitor who comes round once a week, and plays with DD2, takes her out to the park/shops, whilst I get on with housework, grab a shower or even a nap

I also have a Family Visitor who comes round and has been really helpful. She works alongside my HV and was able to find out about local playgroups, and has accessed other sources of help. For example, she comes round and we go to playgroup with DD2, and she has accessed other help for me. The emphasis here is helping parents to do things rather than doing them for us.

Part of the reason I have this care is because I am under the continuing care of a psychiatrist, so it may be that OP, your sister needs to reaccess mental health services via her GP or HV. You might be able to help her with this - I find that sometimes I need people to do things for me no matter how much I want to do them, and one of those things is phone calls (as Curious George has mentioned also!) HVs deal with kids up until the age of 5 when care passes to the GP so she should still have a HV somewhere who should be very useful in this case.