Annoying In Laws

Ms_Chocaholic

Hi

I don't know where to start about my in-laws (OH's dad and stepmum) but they make me so angry and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

When me and OH got married, we got married at their church. Her son and his partner had got married there some years previously and cos I'd been married before, when they suggested that we get married there also, I thought it was a great idea (particularly as OH hadn't been married before) - what a bad idea.

Looking back, wish we'd never got married there but can't change that. ILs were quite offhand, from stepmum to saying stuff like FIL is sick of all planning/arranging and is just going to wear such and such, can't be bothered to wear his suit. She would just wear this old outfit out of her wardrobe. I felt we were treated as second best to her son and his wife who's wedding she talked about constantly, what a great day it was.

Throughout the years since then, stepmums son has been treat like a god, money thrown at him from all angles. The other one (daughter) hasn't visited for years and years but never a bad word said about her.

OH has one brother (disowned) but he and ex have children. I have one DS from previous relationship but OH treats as his own.

Throughout years, stepmum has openly talked about what she is giving for Xmas presents and what is being left to who in their will (for example they gave large amount of money to OH's brother's ex towards mortgage but then said that that counted as their inheritance cos they weren't included in will, but then recently said they are included in the will - she doesn't count on me having such a good memory).

Stepmum (mainly) has never accepted my DS as part of her family, no birthday cards, Christmas cards etc and DS partner recently had baby - also not recognised by them. At Xmas this year they gave all children, partners, grandchildren and their partners and great grandchildren a tenner each, in our card was a card for DS and partner and their child but only £20 for me and OH. I said "oh, is this for DGG" to which I got "oh, yes, I forgot about her, let me get some money for her" (but never got it).

Birthdays aren't remembered, OH is but mine, DS isn't but then stepmum will say when we visit, oh it's little Bethany's birthday down the road tomorrow, must get her a card.

I feel so incensed as to why they can't treat all their relatives the same (all their grandchildren aren't birth grandchildren). It's always been the same and probably will never change but I find it so upsetting. FIL seems so oblivious to it.

Can anyone give me any ideas on what I can do (for my own sanity) and any way of addressing the issue when I see them.

Thanks

Ms C x

hulagirl79

hi
All i can say is i would not bother to get either of them a card on their birthday, or remember their birthdays.
It wont help the situation but it would make me feel better, although from the sounds ofit shewould just moan about it or make little comments.

I think if you did confront her she would deny it all and imho probaly turn on the emotional blackmail.
What does your other half think about it.

Good luck.

Ms_Chocaholic

Thanks for posting.

There's no relationship at all between me and them or between OH and them at all, we basically just put up with them for putting up sake.

The difficulty with the birthday cards is they remember OH's birthday so not sending cards is difficult really, it's just everyone else's that they don't remember.

Stepmum seems to brag about everyone who's not there to everyone else. We go and it's, Billy's just got his exam results, have a look at these, Susan's been doing this. Then she'll criticise other members of the family but not mention DS or DGG, then if we do mention them she quickly changes the subject.

When there was an article about DS in our local paper last year (with a pic), we took a copy and, although she wasn't interested in looking at the article or asking about it, she wanted to keep it (probably to brag again but I can't be certain).

I don't know what to make of her.

Errata

Do you really want to figure out what goes on in her mind? Do you ? Cos it sounds like a truly dreadful place !
Ignore her - life's too short.

Ms_Chocaholic

Thank you for making me smile Errata

shaven-monkey

Do Hallmark do a "thinking and caring for everyone but you on ...." card for birthdays, bank holidays, anniversaries etc?

vixarooni

im in a similar situation. My boyfriends parents think im a gold digger, although when i met him he worked part time in PC world.

The other son went through grammar school, now in the RAF. My boyfriend went to high school and (now) after my help is in the police. He is always second best to him and i am second best to his brothers girlfriend. It all kicked off when he got chucked out at 20, came to live with me and its been better by miles since.

Obviously you have never had that chance to just let all your anger out, i would advise it because now our relationship is better, i think they realised how one sided they were being. Obviously a cheetah never changes their spots, and there are times when the preference they have is obvious but its better.

I remember a time when i said if my child (when i have one) is treated inferiorly to my boyfriends brothers child then that will be it, i wouldnt have it what so ever! Hopefully it wont run that deep though.

Good luck with them though!

brightlight

My god your Mil is a carbon copy of my Mil.
I cant offer any advice .I wish I could . Mil has caused many an argument between dh and I. My eldest two children despise her .

Errata

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Thank you for making me smile Errata

Blimey, the woman's too planet Zanussi to do anthing else. We have a similar set up in my extended family. We all refer to the gentleman in question as
The Crown Prince :rotfl:

Bunny200

Errata wrote: »

Do you really want to figure out what goes on in her mind? Do you ? Cos it sounds like a truly dreadful place !
Ignore her - life's too short.

I'd have to agree, shes not even OH mum (although he might have that relationship with her?!) its a shame you can't vet your in-laws on a first date as it might put you off for life!

Mine is annoying in a different way and I tend to think shes not a lady I would have been friends with without OH but shes who she is, I'm who I am, we're not going to see eye to eye on certain things but for the sake of my sanity I just let them go. I know theres nothing worse than someone ignoring or causing offense to your kids/grandkids but she probably isn't going to change now and IMHO just let it go and have a silent giggle at how she carries on! Thats what I tend to do, I get annoyed at MIL and then just take a deep breath and look for the humour in the situation and that gets me by.....

Good luck but to be honest I don't think there is a solution just acceptance!

Spirit_2

The whole approach to exchanging presents/cards seems to be a pantomime you don't enjoy. If your DS is now an adult then you could you and OH shrug off the in-laws petty mindedness and simply stop exchanging anything - its all doing more harm than good and re-opening this long running wound of them never acknowledging your son within their family circle.

I do not find it easy to navigate non-traditional families as I am not clear of the rules! My nephew has had two longstanding relationships with women who had children from previous relationships; When his latest relationship ended his mum (and us) have both made clear that we want ongoing contact with this teenager we have known for years and although I will no longer see him (geography) I will continue to send cards and gifts for xmas until he is 18 as I do for all other children in our family.....as we become more remote I wonder if our gifts will become increasingly at at odds with what he is interested in!