deceitful OH

sammie383

My DH is exactly the same! He told me he wanted to stop so stopped shortly after us getting together 3 years ago. Then he decided to tell me a year later that he had infact only stopped a couple of months and had been hiding it from me. The only reason he told me was because we were out and he was desperate for one! lol.

He has since decided to stop a further twice, even going so far as to get help from the doctors too, but sure enough a month or so later he starts again. I only usually ever find out though if he's desperate for one, or I find them! lol

To be honest I find it funny now, and although I may moan a bit at him to begin with about starting, it's really because he chose to hide it rather than tell me straight.

I agree with other posters that it's his decision if he wants to smoke or not, and although they are struggling with cash flow, I would do the seperate allowances thing, and if he choses to spend his on cigs then so be it.

xx

Pssst

carolbee wrote: »

Hi, I am posting on behalf of a friend who I am helping with her debts, and is not on internet (its not me really)

Her OH has intermittently smoked and currently denies smoking and she has concerns re this on the health and money front. she inadvertantly came across tobacco and money when he vehemently denied having either (not snooping) and they made a new start at 2009 and put all the cash in one place and made a general comment about if he was still smoking.

she hasnt tackled him re the evidence as yet, but is very cross

what would you do - hard to give advice, when you like them both, I see her point, they can't afford it and she is doing everything she can to eke their money out

Does your friend have any faults at all or is she absolutely perfect?

My best advice to any woman who wants a happy relationship is to stop trying to control and direct their partners every thought,word and deed.

Women are far too controlling. they have no right to be.

never_enough

A smoker will only give up when *they* want to. No amount of !!!!!ing from anyone will work if they're not ready. I have friends who have watched parents/siblings die from lung cancer & promised they would give up. None have as yet. I keep trying to persuade my bf to give up, but she just doesn't want to, so it's not going to happen.
I spent years trying to give up under pressure from someone else with very limited sucess. It did help keep my smoking in check when I was doing it 'secretly' though, so your friend may not be doing the best thing by outing him, however angry she is.

Mutter_2

Get this person to ask for Champix, from the GP
Bad dreams, or rather vivid dreams, but the best anti-smoking drug ever.

Pssst

Mutter wrote: »

Get this person to ask for Champix, from the GP
Bad dreams, or rather vivid dreams, but the best anti-smoking drug ever.

O better still, a muzzle for his wife.

glenstan

My dh smoked openly for years then DD was diagnosed with asthma , he never ever smoked indoors or near her from that day forward. 5 years ago he was taken into hospital with c.o.p.d. I begged him to stop smoking for his health's sake , he would tell me he had given up but i knew by his timely jobs to do in the shed he was still smoking . The secret meant he smoked a lot less than he had ever done . A year ago dh was taken into hospital with double pnemonia , he stopped smoking completley, however yesterday i had to ring an emergency ambulance , he is back in hospital with severely restricted breathing and pnemonia. I have never tried to control my husband but watching his health deteriate over the years has certainly taken my stress levels to a new high. DH has saved all of the money he would have spent on cigs for treats away etc , however he has been too ill in last year to spend it .

JoJoB

I used to be a secret smoker. I'm afraid the situation is a bit catch 22 in that if she has a right go at him then it will just increase the need for secrecy if he has a slip-up when trying to stop. Then the "secret" fags build up.

It is difficult to understand the nature of addiction unless you have ever been addicted to something. You have to find your own way out of it and sometimes it takes many attempts and relapses. The risk of upsetting or disappointing a spouse can itself be a trigger to take up an old comfort. The best way is for her to talk calmly to him about it and say she realises he is having difficulty in stopping and try to have an open discussion about how he feels about smoking and what triggers his relapses. Really try and explore the issue without judgement.

I felt a lot of self-loathing and guilt every time I lit up a secret fag - you berate yourself for being so weak, you're worried about being found out, you worry about what it is doing to your health, and all this feeds into itself and you end up having another cigarette to comfort yourself! Addiction is a horrible thing, particularly to cigarettes. I had a friend who was addicted to heroin and she managed to beat that but has never managed to give up cigs.

If she's threatening him with the break up of their marriage over it then no wonder he's keeping it secret and can't be open with her! It is ridiculous to hold something like this over him and expect him to be fully open with her about something he is clearly experiencing great difficulty with.

carolbee

glenstan wrote: »

My dh smoked openly for years then DD was diagnosed with asthma , he never ever smoked indoors or near her from that day forward. 5 years ago he was taken into hospital with c.o.p.d. I begged him to stop smoking for his health's sake , he would tell me he had given up but i knew by his timely jobs to do in the shed he was still smoking . The secret meant he smoked a lot less than he had ever done . A year ago dh was taken into hospital with double pnemonia , he stopped smoking completley, however yesterday i had to ring an emergency ambulance , he is back in hospital with severely restricted breathing and pnemonia. I have never tried to control my husband but watching his health deteriate over the years has certainly taken my stress levels to a new high. DH has saved all of the money he would have spent on cigs for treats away etc , however he has been too ill in last year to spend it .

Hope all will be Ok Glenstan, all the best to him - and you. My Mum also had COPD, and I know how awful that is, my thoughts are with you.

I have printed all the replies, thank you all. She isn't is scary as I may have made her sound, more scared on the health front I guess, we all react in different ways to being frightened by things

seven-day-weekend

He will not be able to give it up unless HE has the motivation and her nagging him and threatening with leaving is just making things worse.

Why not agree that he will give up when he is ready, but in the meantime only smoke outside the house? Then he cn have his fix and she doesn't have to see it, but it is in the open.

I speak as an ex heavy smoker who has not smoked for about twenty years.

flower7

If she is worried about the budget. Tell him he can smoke but only five a day for example, and only outside. Then she is not forcing him to lie to her which I'm sure he probably doesn't want to do anyway. This does depend on how much he is smoking in the first place if he has a 20 a day habit that is very expensive but cutting down will cut the costs.