deceitful OH

carolbee

Hi, I am posting on behalf of a friend who I am helping with her debts, and is not on internet (its not me really)

Her OH has intermittently smoked and currently denies smoking and she has concerns re this on the health and money front. she inadvertantly came across tobacco and money when he vehemently denied having either (not snooping) and they made a new start at 2009 and put all the cash in one place and made a general comment about if he was still smoking.

she hasnt tackled him re the evidence as yet, but is very cross

what would you do - hard to give advice, when you like them both, I see her point, they can't afford it and she is doing everything she can to eke their money out

pulliptears

Did he smoke when she married him?

I have similar argument with my OH, but Im the smoker. I have given up to please him so many times but always start again because I never really wanted to give up in the first place! In the past I have hidden it, because I know that he will moan and nag and generally make life hell for a while. Does your friend do this to her OH? Maybe he hides it to avoid the confrontation like I did? At the end of the day I was a smoker when OH married me so trying to change me almost 13 years down the line is a bit of a no go.

On the other hand, I can afford to smoke so thats not an issue with us.

elastigirl

Bit of a difficult one i can make argument for both here. He is a grown man and can smoke if he wants to in secret or not and he can also do what ever he likes with his own money and this would be his argument and right.

however I can also see the womens point of view as this is something me and my mum have had to learn to turn a blind eye to as well.

My father has always been a smoker but with my mum has had serveral health scares and i think he felt guilty it was the smoking and he did quit for 2 years.

But now he is a secret smoker ( lol as not that secret we know but he doesn't know we know. How thick does he think we are?) and isn't in the good health because of this.

We weighed it all up and it wasn't worth the fighting and upset that by confronting him may have caused. We knew he would turn it around on to us and we ignore it when he disapears. also mum does not want it in the house again so letting on we know makes it in his eyes ok to do it any where.

Like i said my dad is a grown man who can think for himself and do what he likes. He knows the health problems involved and that is his choice at the end of the day. It is so annoying to see a loved one do this to themselves and to be snide and a basic liar. But we are truely better off ''not knowing''

Alikay

My late dad did this! My mum wanted him to give up smoking, as she had and would nag and snipe at him constantly. He told us he'd given up on a couple of occasions. First time he suddenly started dragging the dog out for a walk each evening on his own - she followed him one night and caught him smoking :rotfl:. The next time she found his secret fag stash inside a pair of wellies in the boot of the car

My dad only gave up smoking when HE wanted to (a couple of years later) Maybe your friend's OH doesnt want to give up - in which case all her nagging and piling on the guilt is pointless.

I've never smoked, so don't really understand the difficulty giving up, but I do like a bit of chocolate and if someone told me I could never have another piece for the rest of my life, I'd probably have trouble with it!

carolbee

thanks for your replies, I will print out for her.

they both smoked when they married 30+ years ago, she stopped when expecting her first baby.

you never see them argue - but this has really got to her, his dad died of a smoking related disease, why don't we learn from others mistakes eh? He has had the odd lapse since and that is the only time there is any disharmony apparently (lots of not talking and tells the dog to tell him dinner is ready1)

maybe she was better off not knowing - not sure what I''d do, go off like my usual firecracker self I suppose!

apparently she told him when she found the cigs (but didn't let on) that it was the one thing that would break up their marriage, and if she found out he was still smoking that would be it - thats how strong the emotions are (don't know if she would though)

Krystaltips

One of my aunts is a 'secret' smoker. Her hubby probably knows but she says if she chooses not to do it in front of him then they don't need to discuss it... If they each have their own allowance and he chooses to spend his on ciagrettes or tobacco then it's up to him really... And I completely agree that if he's not ready to give up then there's no point forcing the issue...

Errata

apparently she told him when she found the cigs (but didn't let on) that it was the one thing that would break up their marriage, and if she found out he was still smoking that would be it - thats how strong the emotions are (don't know if she would though)

Blimey - that's a bit strong after 30 years of marriage ! Is she looking for an excuse to leg it or throw him out ?
Tell her to get him signed up with his GP Practice Stop Smoking clinic.

tanith

I have a secret smoker too, he has given up lots of times of his own volition but slowly and secretly starts again, we all know he smokes, he thinks it a secret and consequently doesn't do it around the house or in my sight , I'd rather he stopped but prefer it not to be around me or the house, so I pretend to not notice..;) Its crazy because he must realise that I know but this way he can smoke without my disapproval and I don't have to put up with it in the house... its mad I know but it works for us..:rotfl:

belfastgirl23

Your friend's attitude is unfortunately making a liar of her husband. If he can't give up and he knows that by telling her she will potentially leave him then what other option does he have but to lie? If she wants him to be truthful she needs to retract her threat. So she needs to figure out which is more important, honesty or her feelings about smoking? I think in her shoes I'd let the secret smoking continue since he is probably smoking a lot less than he would if she *knew* about it. But different people will have different views on this.

I'm not exactly saying she's unreasonable by the way, I would hate it with a passion if DH started smoking and would also do everything in my power to make him stop. But I really don't think threats are the way to manage that...

pinkshoes

carolbee wrote: »

Her OH has intermittently smoked and currently denies smoking and she has concerns re this on the health and money front.

If money is tight, then him spending money on tobacco is really unfair.

Can they not sit down and budget how much they've spare money they've got for luxuries, then get the same amount each, so she can blow her share on whatever he likes, and he can buy smoking stuff?

My OH was concerned about my health from all my smoking, so I gave up for him. It was a struggle at first, took 4 attempts, but I don't regret it. After 21 months I now realise how disgusting smokers smell after a ciggy - it's worse than garlic breath - and I can't believe I could never even see that!!

pulliptears

carolbee wrote: »

thanks for your replies, I will print out for her.

they both smoked when they married 30+ years ago, she stopped when expecting her first baby.

you never see them argue - but this has really got to her, his dad died of a smoking related disease, why don't we learn from others mistakes eh? He has had the odd lapse since and that is the only time there is any disharmony apparently (lots of not talking and tells the dog to tell him dinner is ready1)

maybe she was better off not knowing - not sure what I''d do, go off like my usual firecracker self I suppose!

apparently she told him when she found the cigs (but didn't let on) that it was the one thing that would break up their marriage, and if she found out he was still smoking that would be it - thats how strong the emotions are (don't know if she would though)

Oooo nothing worse than an ex smoker My Mum is the ideal of an ex smoker.....total nightmare

My Dad died last year from Lung Cancer, my Aunt the year before. Im better positioned than a lot of people to have seen the risks first hand in not so glorious technicolour. Has it stopped me? No.

I think she needs to back off a little, find a compromise, maybe buy him a certain amount of tobacco a week? He wont quit while others are on at him, its a decision that needs to come from him alone when he is ready.