What Do You Tell Your Friends?

black-saturn

I never told anyone about my debt. Problem was when I paid it off I felt like I wanted to celebrate but couldnt.

fairylights_2

Family and very close friends know we've been in bad debt, but I didn't really think it had anything to do with them how bad it actually was. It shocked my sister in fact this weekend to learn that we only have £1k left to pay - she didn't think we were in debt. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :T yeah, good one!

I think as far as gifts and things go, the tighter money got, the cleverer we got about gifts - buying using OH's staff discount for all kinds of things (works at a well known never knowingly undersold department store, so that helps). Kids shoes and clothes from there, toys if they were wanted. I get bogofs for gifts if they're nice, pigsback vouchers for boots bought some things.

As far as the "when are you buying?" thing goes, two choices:

1. "when people stop asking me"
2. "when I'm good and ready, and now is not the time"

If you don't want to share your debts, don't feel like you have to - in most of the world, owning your own home is not the be-all-and-end-all (I think that's how you write it) At the end of the day, a mortgage is just more debt, after all! Just don't be ashamed - you realise your mistake, which is better than most of the ostriches out there that have good cause to be ashamed.

taplady

I have only told 2 close friends, both of who are in a degree of debt themselves. I couldn't stand the shame of my mother knowing although i think she has an idea but not about the amount. It is hard when people ask why we dont own our own home but I usually say it is because of my OH having ill health( one of the reasons we got into debt). We have sorted it out now and have 4 1/2 years to go to be debt free :j

I am currently saving for a new sofa(old one knackered) and folks at work have said go and get one on credit ! have it now, why wait? and it is hard without giving away the reason that we cant get credit anymore but I,ve just said I dont use credit and prefer to pay in cash. My aim is to get one by Christmas 2006! It is very satisfying using cash and knowing you are living within your means now! :beer:

in*the*red_6

fairylights wrote:

Just don't be ashamed - you realise your mistake, which is better than most of the ostriches out there that have good cause to be ashamed.

Fairylights that's absolutely right, until very recently I used to look at other people and assume they couldn't be in debt if they could afford this, that and the other - it was only us.! Now I look at them and think, wonder how much debt you're in to be able to have that!

Quasar

I am fortunate in that I do not have debts, but a fairly close friend of mine who is a senior civil servant at the Home Office here in London, has admitted to me that he is in debt to the tune of £50,000.

When he told me I was gobsmacked because his salary is quite high. I did not judge him nor had a go at him, just listened. He told me he was going to get a grip on things and discussed a plan to pay off the debt. With his salary and a more restrained lifestyle he should do it easily. I must say that I felt honoured that he confided in me and I certainly will not break his trust. I never bring the subject up and only discuss this with him when he mentions it first.

It goes without saying that I recommended MSE to him, but he feels that he can manage on his own. Shame, because there's so much more to this site, especially all these brave people who come here admitting to vast debt and showing a dogged determination to get out of it. That's inspirational for a start!

Personally, I think we should not jump to conclusion when someone says they are heavily in debt. It's easy to say "well, you spent it, now pay it off", but only the person involved know exactly their circumstances, and all I can say is "there but for the grace of God..."

youngandreckless

My close friends and family know I'm in debt. My parents are in debt themselves so they couldn't judge (although they are well on their way to being debt free) and so are several of my friends. As to knowing the exact amount if they asked I'd say, but apart from my best friend and sister, its not come up.
I wanted to be honest as I'm known for buying, socialising etc whenever, whatever regardless. My friends and family may not have known that up until lightbulb illumination, I'd go into into debt if I had to in order to do and buy what I wanted. So obviously now I'm saying "can't afford it", "not this month", "can we go somewhere cheaper" etc the "why?" conversation was pretty inevitable. I'm not proud I'm in debt, but I won't waste time and emotion on shame and regret - it won't change my situation and won't do me any good in the long run. I'm on my way out of debt so thats what I focus on.
Tell your friends and family as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, if you're anything like me you can judge what the reaction will be by knowing what the person is like ie my best friend got warts and all, my nan must never find out as she is ridiculously good with money and intolerant of todays credit card lifestyle.
A good way of broaching the subject is to talk about a "magazine article" you read about debt. It will give you a good idea of how the person you're talking to feels about debt, without bringing your situation into it x

MoaningMyrtle

They know we struggle with cash each month, but they do not know the total amount of our debt.

What really bugs me is that if, for example, you are having a general discussion about money at work, a lot of people say 'I don't have any money, I struggle' - However these are the people who are out every weekend drinking, meals out, playing golf at expensive clubs, gym, clothes shopping etc. Don't talk crap, if you had real money problems, you wouldn't be doing any of these things!!! :mad:

I will tell my fianancial story soon, it's far too emotionally draining right now. _pale_


Thanks for all the great posts so far! I love MSE :grouphug:

h4nym

I borrowed 5k from my (retired and financially comfortable) parents to cover an 8k Amex debt that was in danger of going badly wrong. The second time they enquired as to when I would repay, I felt honour-bound to tell all.

I told them that my overall position had been as high as £135,000. It was now £106,000. I earn very well - about £150,000 pa - but £106,000 was still a horrendous amount of short-term money to owe. I set out all the creditors, and how much was owed, and when and how they were timetabled to be paid. It meant that I could explain why they were 4th in the queue (of 9) - 3 debts were more urgent, and it was these 3 creditors. One of the three is my ex-wife who lent us £18,000 a couple of months earlier to pay an tax bill that the revenue took to the county court and won. This had to be paid within a month - an £18k CCJ would have cremated our credit standing.

I was "allowed" to do this by my wife on condition that I declined any offer of assistance that my parents would inevitably make. When they learnt of my position, sure enough they offered to explore lending me enough to pay the whole lot off - which I declined. Then they offered to write off the 5k loan. I declined. Finally, they insisted that they were placed last in the queue. Again I declined.

We have a very specific and detailed repayment plan - one that we've been sticking to. None of our debts are overdue, but I'm sick of being £15,000 overdrawn and owing so much money. My wife and I run a very profitable business, but a couple of years ago we went into another venture in a completely different industry that cost us an absolute fortune before we finally closed it down. It took a terrible toll on our finances and we've been struggling to recover our position ever since.

Our situation now is that I swallowed my pride and went out and got a job. My wife continues to run the business and I assist with much of my previous role, but in the evenings. Our business can pay its way and give us a sufficient income to pay our way on a day-to-day basis. The money I earn is 100% put towards paying the capital on our debts. That will see them paid off by September of 2006.

Once we're done, we'll be left with the mortgage and that's it. Believe me it was a struggle before coming clean with my folks. They've been fantastic. My wife's been fantastic - she's taking on a lot more pressure and responsibility now. In many ways I'm incredibly fortunate to have such a supportive environment around me, and equally, I'm incredibly fortunate to have the kind of skills and experience that employers value so highly.

Beyond my parents, only my best mate knows the extent of our liabilities. He knows it's preying on my mind. The one thing he hasn't done is offer to help - he knows I'd decline immediately. I saw my father lend a good friend some money many years ago. He couldn't repay it. Despite my father desperately trying to write off the loan, their friendship was destroyed by his friend's embarrassment. If you do tell your friends - and telling them is often an incredible relief for those in our position - please don't borrow from them... it's the surest way of losing them.

Apart from that - what do you tell your friends? Be honest! If they're good friends they'll understand and surely be supportive. If they're not, what do u really care about their opinion? But if you don't tell the truth, then you'll start believing those untruths yourself. And that's the most dangerous problem you can face.

Kind regards all

H

dinkylou

I'm an ex-student (hence big student loan) and I bought my own house on my own so people just naturally assume I have debts.

I do, of course, but I'm in a kind of lucky position in that all of my friends and most of my family are in some sort of debt as well.

This means that we don't do things like spend a fortune on presents and things.

Only my mum and you guys on here know the true total though.

ms_london

in*the*red wrote:

Fairylights that's absolutely right, until very recently I used to look at other people and assume they couldn't be in debt if they could afford this, that and the other - it was only us.! Now I look at them and think, wonder how much debt you're in to be able to have that!

Definately agree with you in*the*red!! I have learnt SO much through being in debt and having come out of the other side, not only about how to manage my money & how to budget and shop around, but also about myself as a person. I know that I don't need material posessions to make me happy or to make me a better person (I was very materialistic & shallow "before", hence the huge debt!!). And although being in debt & repaying the debt was a harrowing process, I felt it did me good, so dont see it as a bad thing.

I moved to London with debt, so any friends I made here knew about my current situation, closer friends might have known the ins and outs of it, but others just knew that I was working hard to repay it.

So many people around us are in huge amounts of debt, but the difference between them and us, is that we are facing up to it & trying to do something about it, whereas they are just living way above their means and kidding themselves it will be ok!!

At the end of the day, what does it matter what other people think? It's your life - let those who want to be judgemental just get on with it, ignore them!!