Help me stop compulsive spending

mippy

Hello

I'm currently in a situation where I end up panicking constantly about money - spending most of my wages within the first week of being paid and the next three counting pennies and not going out! I have bipolar disorder which makes keeping track of money very hard, but I also know that this pattern is not helping me at all.

I earn £1500 per month after tax, and my non-negotiable outgoings (rent, travelcard, overpayment of council tax to pay back, paying off old student overdraft, NHS direct debit for PPC, money owed to my mum etc.) come to around £900. The rest of my money is to cover ad hoc bills, food, and anything else. I don't use my mobile (pre-pay) very often, I don't drink a lot, I don't drive, I try and shop for food thriftily though I could do better. I have a couple of hobbies which are cheapish, and I've scaled back on the more expensive ones and have been selling bits and pieces on eBay. I have a £1600 overdraft which I am maintaining but really want to get rid of soon! On the face of it, it sounds like I should be able to live nicely, right?

The problem is I can't seem to stop spending. I know that sounds ridiculous written down. Money just leaps out of my account, to the point where I feel guilty and end up hiding the evidence. It's like I'm shopping for a person I haven't become yet. I'm going to ask my housemate to change the password on my eBay account as, even if it feels like a faliure, it's a temptation to spend too much money (the trigger being bargains, ironically - as with charity shops, I can never pass something up which I think won't come round again!). It feels really shameful when I know I earn enough to live off, and my colleagues and friends are going on holiday etc. Even more so, I want to move in with my boyfriend and save up for a very expensive camera so that, if not get more freelance work, I can take more beautiful pictures! But as things stand, I can't do that. I want to go to Europe with my boyfriend - right now I can't even afford to renew my passport.

I need to know how to change my attitude to get out of this spending cycle, as well as tips. Taking on a second job, moving out of my nice and not-expensive room, donating organs or finding the local red-light district is out so that's why I've posted here, and it wasn't easy to do...

Errata

Well done for posting, it's not easy. If you have a CPN or ASW could you talk to them and between you come up with some cast iron coping strategies for when the urge to spend hits you? I know it's really difficult and giving your housemate charge of your ebay password is a step in the right direction.
Charity shops can also be a bit of a trap. I'm guessing that what you buy from them you don't actually need, so take it back and ask for a refund - wrong size, colour etc. most are pretty good about refunding.

poorandindenial

Hi mippy

I think it is safe to say that I used to be a compuolsive spender (see my signature for the damage this did) and I also have a friend who is bipolar and had to learn coping strategies for her overspending and we used to talk about this quite a bit.

For me the thing that worked (but not until I had my lightbulb moment) was keeping a spending diary. When I was confronted with the ridiculousness of my spending I did something about it. That said I tried this before my lightbulb moment and it didn't work for me.

My friend told me about how she buys things and then when she gets them home she has to put the bags dwnon the other sideof the room and if she can't remember any item that she has bought she has to take it back

I think that getting your ebay account password switched is a good move, ebay sadly ticks two boxes for getting that 'rush' it is a purchase AND is also a competition or gamble against someone else.

The other thing that works for me is doing some of the challenges on here, being able to see that I am doing OK against/with other people spurs me on and has kind of replaced the buzz that I used to get from shopping. The 100 day one involves NOT buying certain things (defined by you) for 100 days, next one starts in January...

Well done for a great, and very honest, post and hopefully you will find the techniques that are right for you. The ones I have posted are just the ones that work best for me and my friend, other people on here will have loads of other suggestions for you too. If you have strategies that work for other things that you do it might be worth posting them here and then we can see if we can come up with parallels for spending.

mippy

I used to have an ASW, unfortunately provisions are difficult now I live in London!

I used to get into terrible trouble when I was a student - by the end of term 1, when I first got sick (and five years before diagnosis) I went through both my student loan and overdraft, and three storecards. I'm paying off that overdraft now.

My boyfriend is brilliantly supportive and suggested a spending diary, but I became embarrassed about how much was going out and even though I set it up on Google Docs so he could see it and keep me motivated, it was embarrassing to write everything down. I felt like I'd let him down too. I sell things through his account, so not having access to mine won't stop me buying unnecessary things (he already said there;s no problem if I want a cycle helmet, but there is if it's something I have ten of already!)

I like the idea of the challenges. But at the moment I know I want to change things yet I still find it hard, so I wonder whether falling off the wagon would be a big setback there

Woodyrocks

I find it easier to utilise this technique when I am shopping offline but I always walk away from something I think I impulsively want and only if I still think about said item hours later or even that night or the following day do I go back to get it. 90% of the time I forget about the thing the moment it is out of my eyesight.

I also always keep receipts in the same bag as the stuff bought and will take things back, untouched of course and with tags on, for a refund once I get it home and realise it was weak moment purchase. Even back to charity shops!

If you are anything like me, you probably buy so much that you have no real idea of what you own. Well, instead of buying for a couple of months, I think the money could be better spent paying someone to sort out your wardrobe & purchases. That way you will be better served in seeing what you actually own which will go a long way in curbing additional purchases. This is what I am planning to do in the new year and think it will save me a lot of money in the long run.

Also, try and replace buying with something else that gives you that lift and I am also talking as someone with BPD with bi-polar tendencies. I find that going to the gym works just as well, if not better for me. Yes, buying something is a lot more immediate and gratifying and one can engage with it at will and without planning and at any time of day or night but it is important to try and come up with a list of substitute actions.

I have no doubt that you will find lots of mechanisms that work for you and good on you for acknowledging it!

p.s spendingdiary.com is a God-send so do try it, I bet you see a difference in your spending habits within the quarter.

poorandindenial

mippy wrote: »

My boyfriend is brilliantly supportive and suggested a spending diary, but I became embarrassed about how much was going out and even though I set it up on Google Docs so he could see it and keep me motivated, it was embarrassing to write everything down. I felt like I'd let him down too. I sell things through his account, so not having access to mine won't stop me buying unnecessary things (he already said there;s no problem if I want a cycle helmet, but there is if it's something I have ten of already!)

I would have been mortified if anyone had seen my first spending diaries too, I was all over the place (hundreds each month on clothes and cosmetics, crazy amounts each day on food, holidays all over the place etc etc) so I can understand how you feel. You could maybe post your spending diary on here each week (I think littlepinkstars does this as well as a few of the others) or you could just do a full diary on here about your health, debt and spending and then you can see how you are doing and keep tabs on how you are getting on.

mippy wrote: »

I like the idea of the challenges. But at the moment I know I want to change things yet I still find it hard, so I wonder whether falling off the wagon would be a big setback there

Nah, we are all only human. Have a look at the 100 days and the clear £15k by Xmas 2009 threads, if you fall off you just get back on again, no-one will think any less of you, although you might get the odd bum kicking in the nicest way possible (if you look at the £15k one you will see I have just slipped up royally and booked a rather expensive skiing holiday recently, but now I know that it is just a glitch, I have booked it now, I will enjoy it and pay for it and carry on doing what I can towards my debt rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater which is what I would have done before)

Ames

I think the other suggestions are great. I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago, although my current psychiatrist thinks it's something else. I do the waiting thing, if I see something I like I wait a few days/weeks and if I still want it then I think about getting it. I completely understand about the ebay thing, I had a serious addiction to it. Luckily when I moved I was bidding on some things, then didn't get internet access for a month. When I got it back I found out I'd won some things but obviously hadn't paid, so my account was closed. I use bf's but I'm a lot more restrained now! I think it's triple excitement, there's the chase of bidding, then the high of winning, then the high of getting the parcels.

You might want to read this thread about mental health and debt, if nothing else it'll show you're not alone

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1316549&highlight=mental+health+debt

webtalk

Take responsibility for yourself.

Cut up all your credit cards. Only EVER pay cash for things.

Change your own e-bay password - you can do it in such a way that you'll never be able to use it again.

Give yourself a REAL ego boost. Take as much stuff as you can back to the shops and get a refund. :clap

skipsmum

When I have the urge to go shopping now I try to go to the library instead. Free, and you get to bring something home, and take it back with no embarrassment! (I'm also bipolar).

studiorex

I hope this solution is workable for you.

You will need 2 bank accounts that you can set up direct debits or standing orders on and no credit cards.

The primary account is where your salary will be paid and will be your ONLY account where you can spend money from - debit card, no overdraft. All bills will be paid from this account as soon as you are paid.

The second account should have no debit card, no overdraft. You will only need to setup direct debits or standing orders on this account, once done you can forget about it.

On the first account you will be paid £1500 of which £900 is already accounted for. The remaining £600 represents a weekly balance of £150. Transfer £450 to the second account on pay day. You now have just £150 for the first week and because you can't access the other money this should be all you can spend.

On the second account set up payments for the 8th, 16th and 24th of each month for £150 to be paid into your primary account.

Apologies if this doesn't make sense - it does in my head!

Errata

I like the idea of the challenges. But at the moment I know I want to change things yet I still find it hard, so I wonder whether falling off the wagon would be a big setback there

Lovely, it is hard and you know how big a setback it would be for you. Your spending urge is not like 'normal' spending - you know it's symptom of your bi-polar.
Please, please talk to yoru GP about referring you to someone who has understanding of bi-polar and the skills, training and knowledge to help you develop coping strategies.
There is help in London, you just need to put as much effort into organising it as you have done with your unrealistic spending urges.
You're doing brilliantly - holding down a jgood job, in a suppotive relationship - you can do brilliantly with your debts and spending if you get professional help.