Sleep deprived and looking after the family and home

Bettyboop

I was wondering how how others cope with this. I'm sure it may be suggested that I have depression but I went to the doctors and did a questionnaire and I don't have it. The problem is that I average about 2 -3 hours a night sleep. My baby of 10 months has been sick for a few weeks so it's been a little more difficult than normal. He screams all night and most of the day as well. I am doing everything I can for him. The other problem is that I haven't been able to do much housework for the last two weeks. My house desperately needs dusting and hoovering. My husband isn't very domesticated and most evenings he plays on the computer. I feel constantly sick and I today is especially a bad day. I have been crying for the last hour because I feel so helpless. My family don't live in this country so I don't have anyone to help me. On top of this I am expected to find a job that fits around my two children. I have been offered one working through the night three times a week. My baby only has two short naps a day. The first is usually 15 minutes and the second 25 minutes! This will be the only time I will be able to rest before having to go to work in the evening. Financially we need the extra money but I am also worried how my baby will go through the night as I feed him. I have tried him on bottles for a long time and he will not take to one. I can't force this choice on him either and I also don't want him to get so upset because he can't drink from me.

It sometimes feels like I am heading for a breakdown of some kind. Not so long ago I was in the supermarket and for no reason I just started shaking and it felt like I was going to faint. We I ask my husband to help me he tells me he is also tired. I don't know what else to do anymore. Unfortunately we definitely cannot afford a cleaner so basically I just want some suggestions on how to sort my home out. I have always been very proud to have a clean and tidy home and with the way things are going this could be a thing of the past.

Thanks everyone.

lynnexxxo

Poor you, no wonder you are feeling depressed.

First of all, don't worry about the housework, even if you spend the whole day today cleaning, by the weekend it will be as bad again!

Your hubby doesn't sound as if he is being much help. From personal experience I've found that moaning at him doesn't help. Could you take the night job and give your hubby a chance to experience how much fun taking care of a screaming child all night is. He might them appreciate how tired you are! Also I found with both my boys that if mummy was absent and the 'mummy milk' choice isn't there they soon realise its a bottle or hunger. Bottle will usually win.
However screaming all night (and day) at ten months doesn't sound right, have you took your little one to the docs?

Would it help if you just bring your little one into bed beside you - mine sleep like logs in my bed - and we all get a good sleep.

i hope things get better soon (((hugs)))

PS if you plan on working at night and have th kids through the day when are you going to get a sleep?

Jo_R_2

I was having a very bad day yesterday so I felt a certain affinity with your post and had to reply!

Firstly. You are setting your standards too high with coping with a poorly baby, sleepless nights and keeping the house as it has been previously. I've had to come to the conclusion that there is never enough hours in the day to do everything I want to now I have kids. I do a set amount of chores every day and anything else that gets done is a bonus. So eg I make the beds when I get up, after DD1 goes to school I vacuum round, do the washing up whilst DD2 watches a programme, get DD2 to help with laundry (LOL but she likes it!), that sort of thing.

My DD2 used to wake up 4 times a night to feed up until around 8 months, and I used to walk around like a zombie. I was never really into giving bottles of my milk except when I was at work (even then she wouldn't have it LOL!) so for me I found the best way was to just go with it and be grateful for the sleep I did have rather than fighting it and feeling angry (which I did at times.) It helped a lot to change my mindset and accept the situation as I knew I didn't want to give bottles, or have OH do that, or give her to someone else to have for the night (which I couldn't have done anyway but you see what I mean!)

I worked days but I did find that both my DDs, though I did leave bottles of expressed milk, tended to just wait until I got back and have a massive feed before dropping off to sleep. Do you think DH could work with this and maybe give drinks of water instead of milk, or even if you felt happy with it, milk out of a sippy cup or beaker? Would that be an option?

I think you need to put your foot down with your DH. Yes he is tired but so are you. My OH is always knackered from work but somehow he picks up from me when dinner is done and will have a tidy up, wash the pots from dinner and pop to the shop to get me a choccy bar (he's well trained ) DH needs to be more supportive or else how are you going to find any energy for working?

Got to dash now but I hope that might help a little. I had the bad day yesterday but today feel a bit better and have some clarity (I think!) and I hope that'll be you later or tomorrow xxx

Jo_R_2

lynnexxxo wrote: »

PS if you plan on working at night and have th kids through the day when are you going to get a sleep?

My mother used to work night shifts and would come in about half past seven in the morning and take over from my father who then went to work. We didn't go to nursery but I still can't work out how she did it! She admits she was tired all the time and used to fall asleep playing

belfastgirl23

Okay your problem is not the state of your house it's your relationship.

I rarely ever state anything this bluntly but really this is not a good state of affairs. Can I ask if you've tried to talk to him about this? You being at breaking point whilst he is playing on the computer and telling you to get a part time job is clearly not on. But equally I think you are going to have to be the bad guy in a way and tell him that it isn't on, and it sounds to me like you might struggle with this as well.....

It sounds horrible. But I guess I'm thinking that you don't have to put up with it. Unfortunately though this means you have to tell him you're not putting up with it. Which will be hard. Is it something you are prepared to do?

Good luck and do keep posting!

daphne_descends

Oh you poor thing, can you co-sleep? It has been a lifesaver for me when my son has been ill and still breastfed - we botrh get more sleep that way. You are doing a brilliant thing for him as every feed will still help to boost his immune system and provide him with antibodies and of course, it is the perfect food

Where abouts in the country are you? Do you have SureStart or HomeStart available to you?

You need to prioritise things and you should not bear the burden of everything alone.
1. Your health. You must put yourself first because if you fall apart, it ALL falls apart. So strike a deal with your husband that this weekend you each get one lie-in while the other has the children.
2. Your children what age is your eldest? I believe that with babies, sleep breeds sleep - get him to nap better and he may well sleep better at night. Will he nap if pushed in a pushchair? Or does he sleep in a cot?
3. Your husband - sorry, he comes third!!! Of course he is tired too but it is no good being competitive about it. I know that with my own partner the responsibility of being the only earner was really tough for a while (though I am back at work now). But you're still a team and even when you're both shattered you need to work together. Split chores but make sure you BOTH get free time too. Your job doesn't end at 5pm and there's no reason his should either.
4. Then lastly comes your house - a bit of dust isn't going to hurt anyone. Draw up a list in order of priority and just do the bare minimum until you're all getting more sleep and can face more.

I can't recommend a cleaner strongly enough. For £18 ish a week I have two cleaners for one hour and my bathroom and kitchen are spotless. They hoover too. The rest is down to me but it is so much more manageable. If you don't have money in your budget, could you cut back in other areas, even just for three months?

Keep posting x

LilMissEmmylou

aww bettyboop I know exactly how u feel, i was constantly tired when i had my DD (although i only have one) as i breastfed and she woke up 4 - 5 times a night wanting fed or settled and it was I who did it as daddy was "tired". The men folk have no idea of the meaning of tired. You need to sit down with him and explain he might work through the day but so do you! The best way to show this would be to go away for a weekend and leave him to cope alone (you would however come back to a very messy house and I guess as you are breastfeeding this is not ideal). Oh and an edit to say check out fly lady and each day tell him what HIS jobs are and what YOUR jobs are. Show him you are being fair! Being at home with the kids is way harder than work!!! Some days I would have much rather been working!

Does he help much at the weekend? I think a nice solution would be for him to take over on say a friday night to saturday night so you can rest and catch up with some things for yourself, then you take over again on sat night so he can have sat night and sunday morning off. At least that way you both get a day of "rest". I also think working at night will really have you heading for a crash as you are already tired enough! Would working weekends not be an option? Or something you could do from home like Avon to try and top up the cash situation a bit?

Also if baby is happy when he is well to play in his bouncer or to watch some kiddie tv - then pop him in and go for a sleep on the sofa next to him! Then if he needs you your right there and you will wake up, however if hes just cooing at the TV, you should get a little bit of a nap to keep you going a little bit. *hugs*

amandada

Jo_R wrote: »

My mother used to work night shifts and would come in about half past seven in the morning and take over from my father who then went to work. We didn't go to nursery but I still can't work out how she did it! She admits she was tired all the time and used to fall asleep playing

I used to have to do this too-I went to bed for a few hours when my husband came in from work, then start work at 10.45 pm
When I look back I wonder how I did it-but it was one of those situations where I had no option, so you just get through it

Sharra

I so sympathise with you. When my son was a baby he just didn't sleep ever, he also had colic and cried loads and loads - it was hell.
I would abandon the idea of trying to work at the mo - get everything else sorted out first.

I would echo the above posts re your other half. Give him a kick up the backside and make him pull his weight.

Some suggestions that might help..
Do you need to still be breastfeeding? I know its so much better for baby, but if you swap to bottles, would the happier mummy outweigh the lost of breastmilk?

Could you make space for a mattress somewhere else so that you and your OH can take it in turns to get a good night sleep? we had a mattress in the front room for a few months and it really helped getting a good nights sleep every other night.

Or could you go to sleep at teatime when OH gets in and take over maybe at 12 or 1?

I'm sure at 10 months baby shouldnt need a night feed. Maybe get him checked out for peace of mind and then do some sort of controlled crying. We were so desperate that we did it the really hard way - we checked he was ok and then just left him to cry when he woke in the night. It was very traumatic but literally within 3 nights he was sleeping through the night. Again - I think the trauma was outweighed by the benefits.

Re the cleaning, try to maybe just keep one room tidy so you have somewhere nice to sit and forget about the rest. So long as you are all fed and have clean clothes, the rest won't kill you. Could you find a local teenager to come and clean for a couple fo hours at the weekend?

I think that although you aren't depressed at present, you could well end up that way if you carry on the way you are. Sleep deprivation is so awful. Take care of yourself

PS My friend took her baby to a cranial osteopath a couple of years ago as he was crying all the time, it turns out he had a constant headache from the birth trauma. The osteopath sorted it out - so it could be worth giving a go.

Triggles

I know where you're coming from - I used to be soooooo careful to do all my cleaning and such when DD was sleeping as a baby - until I reached a point of exhaustion and was told to either get more rest or be in hospital by my GP. It's not worth your health to get the beds made every day or hoover every day. You'll need to relax the standards a bit until you get some rest and are able to function better. And lack of sleep makes EVERYTHING seem more difficult! DS didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 18 months old - if it wasn't for my DH, I'd have probably gone mad!

I do agree that part of the problem is the lack of assistance from your DH. Honestly, if you look at your first post on this thread - it's all "I" for things about the child and the house that need to be done. As my DH well understands (and has never argued with, to his credit), WE have a child that needs attention and WE have housework that needs to be done. I don't work, but DH still does a good share of the child raising and household stuff - and that includes getting up with DS in the middle of the night when he's home from work on weekends. You'd be amazed at what a difference even just one full night's sleep will make! It would take your DH all of maybe 10-15 minutes to hoover the house - even if it's just a quick job! And often I will wash the dishes, and DH will dry them, so we can chat while we're cleaning up the kitchen, and then relax with a coffee afterwards. He doesn't have to be very domestic - just needs to get off his backside and help. It's his kids and house, too! Although some women have a hard time with DHs doing household tasks as they don't "do it the way I do" - I've gotten over that years ago. It's done, that's all that matters. :rotfl: I don't care how he folds the towels, as long as they clean and sort of folded neatly.

LilMissEmmylou

sharra all babies are different - some will still want/need a feed at 10 months, my DD still wanted/needed at least one middle of the night feed until 12ish months. But kept waking several times a night right up until 18 months!