Family falling out over will - any advice?

monkeyspanner

EdInvestor wrote: »

Oh dear, poor old monkeyspanner, you really don't deserve this after all the work you did on the care aspect.

Hopefully a more mature attitude will develop over time.

In many cases like this, DoVs occur so that the middle generation can do exactly what your MIL has done, ie leave the money to the young grandchildren.This is because the legacy pushes their own estates into IHT territory.

Is that a factor in this case?

Not really, all the my MIL's children have their own properties but most will not be greatly affected by IHT currently, and it would not have entered my MIL's thinking as she wasn't very finacially sophisticated. The amount involved is not huge, but just enough to cause problems.

I think it probably was simply MIL loved little kids and these were the only grandchildren she saw on a regular basis when she made her will. It was also the first time she had ever had any assets.

I'm just trying to keep my head down and be polite to everyone at the moment.

margaretclare

I think it probably was simply MIL loved little kids and these were the only grandchildren she saw on a regular basis when she made her will. It was also the first time she had ever had any assets.

Well, then, it seems to me that MIL's wishes should be carried out as her will states, because if she had wanted to include the other GC, or indeed their parents, she would have said so.

I thought that writing your will was a way of ensuring your wishes would be carried out - obviously not.

Errata

Perhaps the deceased's wishes as expressed in their will are carried out in the vast majority of cases. I would imagine a Deed of Variation application is quite rare and may not always succeed in every case.

Teresa_Small

monkeyspanner wrote: »

My MIL has left her estate split equally between her youngest grandchildren all 21 or under. There are a number of other grandchildren in their 30's and 40's. My MIL's children whose own children have not been included in the will are understandably upset. The focus of the bereavement has now shifted from the loss of a central family member to the loss of a perceived right to inherit.

I am my MIL's sole executor and obviously have to carry out her wishes to the letter.

One child whose children will not inherit has been insisting on being told how much money is involved. I don't feel it is my position to disclose any information as yet. I feel that I have a responsibility to keep that information between myself as executor and the beneficiaries (and their parents where the recipient is under 18). I am also expecting sooner or later to be asked for sight of the will by non-beneficiaries.

I would like to defuse the situation and lower family tensions but see no way of achieving this aim. At the moment I have advised the beneficiaries to keep a low profile and not to respond to provocation, and I have answered all queries as fully as I feel able.

I am not really expecting anyone to have a solution as all concerned will eventually have to accept what has been done and live with what has happened. The consequences of an escalating dispute would have very damaging long term consequences to family relationships but I am at a loss as to how to avoid this situation.

JUST BEFORE MY DAD WAS RELEASED FROM HIS LONG TERM ILLNESS I HAD TO TELL HIM ALL OF US CHILDREN AND MUM WERE OK FINANCIALLY. WITHIN A FEW HOURS HE WAS GONE. HE KNEW HE COULD GO FROM THIS EARTH. YES I AM CRYING WHILST TYPING THIS. MY MUM SOLD THE HOUSE FOR NOT THE MARKET PRICE AT THAT TIME [ 3 YEARS AGO ] SHE IS NOW IN A CARE HOME. ALIVE THANK GOODNESS BUT, MONEY VERY NEAR THE LIMIT OF HAVING TO CLAIM. ANYWAY, HER SISTER HAS ALWAYS DOMINATED HER AND MUMS WILL HAS BEEN MADE IN FAVOUR TO THE GRAND CHILDREN. MY MUM WOULDN'T OF KNOWN WHAT SHE WAS DOING. SHE HAS A VERY SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS. WHEN SHE REMEMBERS SHE IS SO UPSET. I HAVE JUST MEMORIES OF MY DAD WHICH YOU COULD NOT PUT A PRICE ON. WORTH MILLIONS!!!!! WHEN MY MUM DOES LEAVE THIS EARTH, IT WILL BE THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I JUST KEEP TAKING PHOTOS OF HER. I KNOW I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING OF HERS EVEN THOUGH SHE WANTS ME TO HAVE HER ENGAGEMENT RING. IT WON'T HAPPEN. SO I KEEP VISITING HER AND THAT IS MY REWARD.

EdInvestor

monkeyspanner wrote: »

I think it probably was simply MIL loved little kids and these were the only grandchildren she saw on a regular basis when she made her will. It was also the first time she had ever had any assets.

I know someone like this.He also plans to leave his money to the two of his children who themselves have kids (he also greatly enjoys playing with said grandkids), and to ignore his other two children, one married no kids, one single, on the basis they don't need the money.

fredsnail

I can see myself being in this situation in the future as I'm named as a co-executor in a will with someone who is in his 80s (the will is for someone in their 90s) and from the little I know about the will it seems not to be split fairly - but the person has written a letter to accompany the will if there are any "arguements" about the will. I have seen the letter and quite frankly I never want to see it again - it basically lists all the "perceived" wrongs done to the person by family members and will cause far more hurt and bitterness amongst family members if they know what it contains.

Monkeyspanner - you've already been through so much and this is the last thing you and your OH need. It's surprising how "love" is valued in monetary amounts in inheritance. Surely memories and small keepsakes that actually meant something to the person means far more to loved ones than sums of money?

Teresa Small - I hope that you keep taking your photos and make lots of memories in the time you have left with your mother - memories are something that you can share with your mother until she passes - and the photos will hopefully remind her when she forgets them. They are something unique and special as they are experienced only by the 2 of you - they maybe shared with others but the experience is yours alone.

weanie

I wish you luck for the future Fredsnail. I agree with the sentiments you express. We all have responsiibilities to others and have to fathom a way through life making good choices or the best of bad ones.
I totally agree about the idea that keepsakes or photos can evoke real and valuable memories of times shared and have a 'value' much greater than that of monies passed on. My father's medals, an old photo of myself with Dad at a grotto, his favourite cravat and a scrapbook we made of his letters and other memorabilia are what I would need to save from my own house if it were to be on fire.
I too wish to pass on my best wishes to Teresa Small and again to Monkeyspanner in their difficult times.

dzug1

You can always refuse to be executor, fredsnail - if not now, when the time comes.

Beryltheperil_2

Just going back to the point about telling all how much money is involved. It is possible to write to the local court to find out exactly how much was involved and who the beneficiaries were. People's wills are now public information. I once wrote on behalf of my mother afew years ago, I think there was a very small fee involved. We had to wait a while. Your family may think it wrong of you not to declare the info now. I feel very sorry for you after all you have done for the family.

Good luck, you have a thankless task.

monkeyspanner

Thanks for all the comments and suggestion and Happy New Year.

We have been away over Xmas, and thankfully things seem to have settled down a bit and everyone is still talking to each other. It is still an "elephant in the room" issue but not escalating as far as I can tell.