where do i start ???

reallystressed

hello
i only recently registered on here and asked this question somewhere else but was advised to start a new one
basically i am a mum of three and my relationship has been breaking down over quite a period of time ,
my partner is self employed and earns quite well but his business is in debt i wasnt always aware how bad he is at dealing with money but these last few months things have come to light , i have tried to help him many times but he doesnt listen to me and now i am getting to the point where i am feeling so frustrated and angry we have argued so many times he has been staying at his mums and i think basically its over , im not sure i can carry on like this
the thing is i dont know what to do about our finances , he said he will still pay the mortgage , i only work part time and earn hardly anything , i phoned tax credit and they said i would be entitled to wtc and ctc , so if i get that i should be able to pay c tax gas elec food etc , if he pays the mortgage like he says , but we have joint debts credit cards and a personal loan with our bank account which is only in his name , shall i take my name off the joint account he pays money into this account for the bills and this is where our mortgage comes out of , who do i tell we are seperated i dont think i can tell the mortgage company cos i couldnt afford it on my own and if i get my name taken off i wont have any claim to my kids homes
i thought maybe if i take on one credit card and he the other then we try and work something out for the loan so we both pay towards it , but to be honest i dont know what to do who to tell or anything
if anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated

Glen0000

Is there any equity in the house? To be honest him paying the mortgage long term is not going to work out. I doubt he would keep on paying if you or he met someone else for example. Have you thought about selling up, paying off the debts and renting privately, making a fresh start?

skintchick

do you really want to split up? Or if you could sort your financail issues would you still want to be with him?

I think you need to decide that first.

belfastgirl23

Okay reallystressed my first question for you is like skintchick, what do you want? Do you want to stay married or not? You can't really decide anything else until you figure that out...

secondly how old are your children and what are the odds of you finding employment to fit with your commitments. I think Glen is right that you would want to figure alternative methods for funding your mortgage etc, whilst your husband might want to make this financial commitment, realistically if his business is in trouble then he can't, or at least you can't rely on it. I do think that your best option would be to be self sufficient but if this isn't possible then perhaps it's worth a trip to CAB to ask about benefits etc you would be entitled to.

Personally though based on the info you have given here, I would have thought it would be worthwile going to Relate to see if you can salvage anything from your relationship....it doesn't sound irrevocably broken down from your description here and it does sound like you have both been under a lot of stress lately. Is it worth a try?

good luck.

Masquerade_2

I would recommend seeking legal advice as you have several issues that need addressing here.

It is not clear whether you are married or not. The law is very different for couples who are not married. Cohabitants do not have the same rights as married couples.

Many solicitors offer free interviews and will be able to advise you what you can expect to receive by way of a settlement, maintenance and who will be responsible for the debts.

Mutter_2

Reallystressed, Hi and welcome. Let's hope that with the help of the wonderful folk here you will only be mildlystressed.

Is your partner the father to your three children?
Also, could you provide any more detail of why the business is failing and perhaps what the business is, generally of course. Don't worry about anonimity, there are 60 million people in this country, and you are one of them. We don't know you, your privacy is safe.

I ask this, as it seems that money issues are the cause of your problems according to your OP, unless you say otherwise.
The membership here is so large and diverse, that with more information, your problem could be helped over many different sections of MSE.

You don't say whether you still love one another or is this just a matter of parting with as little pain as possible.

You said that your partner earns quite well, but the business is in debt. That means he is drawing money to pay for living expenses, mortgage etc at the expense of the debt.

I've read your OP again and read panic.
Not only your panic, as you try and help him, but also his panic as his business debt grows.
If you both want to try and also love one another, I see a solution here.
This poor man feels like he's drowing in a sea of debt so has gone to lick his wounds in the cave (parent's house).

I have not commented on who and what, regarding bank accounts, as I have a good feeling it won't come to that.
Please give as much info as possible, and we will help. Promise. X

reallystressed

hi guys

thanks for all your opinions suggestions and help
well just to clarify a bit more we are not married , he is the father to all my kids , we have been together for 12 yrs nearly kids are 10 4 and 2 ,
he has always been a bit more relaxed shall i say ?? about money matters than me , but we have always managed , he is in the construction industry he is a contractor and sub contractor , i think most of the problem is that as the business has grown he hasnt changed the way he runs it to accomodate these changes , for instance he has been over the vat threshold for about the last yr or so , but this is where he has got into trouble , he hasnt been seperating money and so hasnt been keeping track of it and then he ends up really far behind by the time he has to pay a bill such as vat etc that he ends up being in debt with something else because obviously you cant leave the vat unpaid

another thing is he never pays things on time he works a lot in central london and i have lost count of the amount of times he has forgot to pay his congestion charge then ends up with a £60 fine , i get so frustrated about things like this if it was me and i was fined once i certainly wouldnt want to pay again so i would make sure things like these were paid asap , i had a bailiif at my door the other day for an unpaid congestion charge he had to pay £700 i was livid as we really are struggling with money and i am having to scape by enough for my kids xmas presents and then i see that amount of money literally going down the drain and i am so angry

there have been other debts and fines etc too many to mention really like he took money off our credit card to pay for something to do with work , i dont mind if i can see that he is working towards paying it back but he is not at the end of the day i dont know if he is lazy , stupid , careless whatever but i have offered my help , he lies to me about things and i see his invoices there is a lot of money going through that business the outgoings do not add up to the shortfall there always seems to be every month its like the money is dissapearing into thin air ,

i am sure if i sat down with all the paperwork in front of me i could see where it was all going and most of it would be late payment fines , etc but its like he doesnt want it to work , well thats how i feel anyway and i think i have some real soul searching to do because i do still love him but i also do not feel secure with him i feel scared and keep imagining scenarios like one month the mortgage not getting paid and being repossessed , im sorry if i sound like a drama queen but i fear for my childrens security , i dont care if i have nothing at all i would starve go without anything so my kids have somewhere warm to live and food in their bellies and this is my argument to him i will do anything to help him i tell him this all the time but he just doesnt seem to want it to work

we both grew up in large families with not a lot of money in council housing and he has got this great oppurtunity , to try and give our kids a more comfortable life than we both had and to make our future a bit more secure but i dont know why he cant seem to handle it

the thing is he wont worry about things and i worry soo much for him and try and help but then im worrying about the kids the future everything and i can really feel myself heading for a breakdown and so thats why i think maybe we would be better off apart , when i think about being permanently seperated to be honest the first feeling that comes to me is relief ,
im sorry to go on and there is so much more i could say but i dont want to bore you all to death ....thanks for reading and again any advice or comments would be most welcome

jack*tigger

Do you have time to sit and go through all the paperwork ?? Maybe if you took over the paperwork and made sure everything was paid on time you could save some of the unnecessary late payment fines. And keep a little stash of money for the vat man.

If you register you can pay the congestion charge via text message or online - much easier than finding a shop to pay at. Or you can pay a little bit more the day after you've been into London - so if he's forgotten at the time you can still pay without incurring the penalty.

At the end of the day though if he isn't prepared to meet you half way on this and be a bit more responsible maybe you would be better off without him

floss2

I think you need to be very tactful about offering to help out with the paperwork. maybe you could say you are looking to be more involved now the children are growing up, or would like to help out so he can do what he does best (i.e the actual work)?

belfastgirl23

Is it worth considering employing an accountant? I know it's more money to pay out but if they managed to get a grip on all of this then it would be well worth it. They might also support you and your husband in setting up simple systems that could be maintained relatively easily. I know it's money going out you might feel you couldn't afford but actually this is a fairly specialist area and it could be your husband just feels totally swamped by it. I do the books for my DH's business and I can tell you I would sympathise a lot with this.

But I guess the bigger problem is that you have different priorities and you aren't managing to communicate. Is it possible for you to step back and look at the bigger picture? Presumably he's feeling a downturn given his trade. Has he been able to talk to you about this? Or does he feel you're so worried about money in general that he can't talk to you? I know with DH when I talk to him about money he tends to get a bit hysterical so I just try not to talk to him about it :rolleyes: which works okay for us because I just tell him what to do and he does it although it does feel a bit lonely at times for me. I suppose what I'm saying is for you to step back and look at your role in all of this really. Problems in communication are caused by two people and if his perception is that you are simply nagging him about it, this allows him to just shut down and become defensive. You need to change the pattern. This isn't a criticism by the way - it is really easy to fall into a trap of all communication ending up being negative. And it is a hard thing to do, to try to find the right way to say something rather than just to let the frustration out!

Mutter_2

Don't worry about boring anyone or appearing as a drama Queen. Thanks for the extra info.btw.
He sounds like a good worker but not really cut out to be a sole businessman as the boring bit, i.e paperwork is being left untouched.

What he needs is a partner. Guess who that's going to be?:D

He does the graft, I take it he's good at securing contracts and managing on site workers? You will have to manage his paperwork.

Whether he's sensitive or not to you doing so, well tough. Your relationship and the future of you all is on the line here.
What is sensitive is how you are going to broach the subject.
I think what I'd do is say that you are thoroughly bored and want to take the paperwork over. That gives him more time to concentrate on the important stuff like chasing up work.

When I had a business selling, my husband did all my paperwork as he's methodical, whereas he could'nt bear to deal with the customer related stuff, which I loved.
Horses for courses and all that.


Being involved, will stop you feeling as though you will have a breakdown as you'll know exactly what's going on.
I think he's just in over his head at present, and be prepared, if you do the bookwork, to be shocked at the financial mess you will no doubt find.
Try not to flap, reassure him and sort it. If it's too great a task then a book keeper will have to be found. I take it, being over the VAT threshold that he has an accountant.
Hiring professionals might seem expensive, but they save you far more than they cost.
Good luck and keep posting.:A