the retailers anti-customer service manual

A_fiend_for_life

Is this for real?

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/miserable-staff-grotty-goods-no-wonder-stores-fail-1041461.html

Searcher

It all looks a bit tongue in cheek to me

withabix

It's spot on though.

It's about time that people working in shops realised that the customers pay their wages and aren't just there to inconveniently interrupt their gas bagging ands skulking about.

baddiebasher

I think one is needed for call centres:

1. Make sure all numbers are 0870 to gain money.

2. Create a labrynthene of options to increase time spent on phone

3. Make sure any voice recognition software does not work

4. Ensure instructions to use the keypad to enter in account numbers etc are as difficult a possible

5. In the event that the customer manages to utilise facilities in 3 or 4, then staff must ask for the information anyway just to annoy the pants off the customer

6. Always give the most relevant options and announcements last. Never tell a customer that the office is closed at the START of the options but at the end (see 1).

7. Staff must ensure they type notes only 50% of the time.

8. hwre staff do type notes, they must be general in nature and never actually mention what the call was about.

9. Where the customer calls about an issue already raised, a new stff member must answer the call (thereby ensuring increased profits by calling an 0870 number (see 1) and having to go through everything again from the start- see 8).

10. Key phrases that an operator must use include:
A "I hear what you are saying",
B "I am sorry to here that",
C "I'll call you back",
D "the person / department you need is unavailable",
E "there are no team managers"

11. For the avoidance of doubt, the following meanings are attached to the above phrases:

A I'm not listening and certainly not agreeing

B I couldn't give a rats !!!

C Only after you have called us several more times - if you're lucky. Why should we spend money calling you?

D I can deal with it but why should I

E There is a manager but they don't want to speak to you or are just as incompetent as I am so there really is not much point is there?

uganda

Very amusing!

As for the article, well it did appear in yesterday's IoS and purports to be serious, but I have to say it does seem far-fetched that someone would have committed this to an official document.

But stranger things have happened I guess. It would certainly explain how a certain MSE member who shall remain nameless but used to work for Tesco managed to be employed in the retail sector.

stugib

A_fiend_for_life wrote: »

the retailers anti-customer service manual

Authors: uktim29/31, Brooker Dave, d.edna et al.

uganda

stugib wrote: »

Authors: uktim29/31, Brooker Dave, d.edna et al.

Very good!!

I think uktim29 and 31 have both been kicked off now. He'll be on in another guise somewhere. I have my suspicions who it might be, but I'm no Sherlock Holmes...

A_fiend_for_life

Looks more like something you'd compose on a Friday afternoon. I wonder what IoS mean by an 'investigation'.

@baddiebasher redirecting to another phone number and starting the list again seems to be a virgin and scottish power favourite.

BargainGalore

The stores that will survive are ones who have goods people want, have reasonable prices not always the cheapest and most of all have good customer support at sale and after sales

djb215

How shocking, no references or citation for said manual! Methinks someone is having a free rant in a national newspaper

reehsetin

love it