I don't know where else to turn

crazyhazy

sooz wrote: »

Are you sure that you want to set up a joint account with him? I can understand that you want to be in charge of the finances, but I'd be careful of putting everything into joint names. If you don't already have a joint account, or mortgage in both names, you are not officially financially linked to him. Once you open a joint account you would be. So if his credit goes, so does yours.

How about he sets up a DD on payday into your account - leaving whatever you have budgeted for his spending? Then you transfer all the outgoing DD's onto your account. At the same time he should consider downgrading his account, & removing the overdraft, credit cards etc that accompany it.

We already have a joint mortgage and loan, plus joint savings so we're already financially linked. I honestly think this is the only way we can move forward, with him only having the joint bank account and me controlling what money he has access to, we will close his other account. We're in not too bad a place financially even with his current gambling but want to be debt free in order to move house in a few years time, I am the better budgetter so this will help us to manage our money better too.

conradmum

crazyhazy wrote: »

We already have a joint mortgage and loan, plus joint savings so we're already financially linked. I honestly think this is the only way we can move forward, with him only having the joint bank account and me controlling what money he has access to, we will close his other account. We're in not too bad a place financially even with his current gambling but want to be debt free in order to move house in a few years time, I am the better budgetter so this will help us to manage our money better too.

Sorry but I don't agree. All that this will do is shift responsibility for the finances onto you. He needs to learn to be responsible with money if he's ever going to kick his addiction. This is treating him like a child.

Tbh it won't make any difference anyway. If he decides to indulge his urge he can borrow money from other sources without you knowing. Long experience of gamblers talking here!

As well as him going to GA you should get yourself along to Gam Anon. You need support too.

londonlass001

Hi there,

My partner is a gambler and we split but are currently trying to rebuild our relationship so I think it's great that you're trying to sort things out. I think gambling is a particularly tricky problem as the damage to trust it causes is so underestimated.

When he had counselling and you went along, was the focus of the therapy on him or your relationship? I think it might be helpful to consider couple therapy so you can think about how things you do e.g. controlling the money, impact on him in the short, medium and long term and vice versa. I resented having to take the responsibility for money in my relationship but at times I needed to.

Not sure where you live but a new NHS service has just opened in London for gamblers which offers support for gamblers and their families. You can self refer also http://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/national_problem_gambling_clinic.html
Another place for support is gamcare which have various services including online support and they are really helpful in terms of ways you can practically help.

Good luck

Savvy_Sue

crazyhazy wrote: »

We already have a joint mortgage and loan, plus joint savings so we're already financially linked. I honestly think this is the only way we can move forward, with him only having the joint bank account and me controlling what money he has access to, we will close his other account. We're in not too bad a place financially even with his current gambling but want to be debt free in order to move house in a few years time, I am the better budgetter so this will help us to manage our money better too.

You do realise that if he runs up a huge overdraft and things don't work out between you, that debt will be yours as much as his? He could also borrow against the house, and run up huge debts that way.

I admire you for not giving up on him, but please be careful, and get support from Gam-Anon!

shoe_girl_2

I think youve done great crazy, GA's helped my boyfriends so much with his problem (if you need help wiht it pm me and ill pass it on to his lot :cool:).

you should talk to gam anon as well, also have a look at the gamble aware website if he feels he needs extra help to stop - they run a self exclusion thing that some bookies + casinos are signed up to, this will "bar" him for a minimum for 6 months (i think my bf had to go to the place to do this - so go with him)

as for the joint account, if your happy with it then thats what matters. ask them though if they do something like first direct (i think its them) and they send texts out when the account gets below a certan level - also you might want to sign up for online banking (it kind of helps when you think hes up to something).

ameliarate

grey_lady wrote: »

'Concentrate on the positive. He's kicked the habit once so he can kick it again'

Not true! he hid it or he took a break from it.

Wake up OP, this is what he does and you either put up with it or split up, dont expect him to change.

I don't this there is any need for harsh posts of this kind. The fact is people can get control of addictions, which is what gambling is, with the right help and motivation.

Only the OP can know whether he really does want to get the necessary help and if the does she is right to be supportive. She loves him and he is the father of her children.

I would agree that you should also try to get counselling and think carefully about your financial arrangements. Maybe it is "not fair" that all the responsibility for finances falls on your shoulders but life isn't fair sometimes and as he clearly has a problem and it is necessary for you, in trying to support him, to take over the finances, then so be it.

Good luck, I hope you both get the help you need.

seven-day-weekend

It sounds as though he gambles as a response to stress.

So, tell him to TALK about it before it gets that bad. With both of you working together, he can beat it.

I agree that if you both feel the joint account will work, do it - you know yourselves better than others do. It may make him feel emasculated to take it away from him entirely.

I admire you for not giving up, and wish you well

timsy

I don't know if what I can say can be of any help but I am in exactly the same situation. I have lived with a gambler for 12 years and have had devastating times with it. Despite this, I wouldn't want to be without my partner. Has he stopped, well he goes through stages and can last months at a time without doing it. I don't know if he will ever stop.

My only way of coping with it is to control it. My other half can never carry money. I put the petrol in his car, I buy the shopping. I have all the credit cards in my name. We had a joint account, but it didn't last in credit for a long time. He cannot have a bank account. Each time we have tried this, he has swiped it clean within 2 weeks.
I even bought a safe off Ebay for 20 quid and keep all my cash and cards in there. I have to say that since doing this, it has helped.

Another reason that he seems to be reducing his gambling is because all his friends and family have learnt that if they keep lending him money, he will always carry on. I think its important for friends and family of gamblers to understand that they shouldn't give them money to help them out- it just encourages them. They think they always have a back up.

Gambling is an illness. My advice would be to really work out what is going to work out. Avoid going round and round in circles. Think of ways that might help the situation and put them into place. Try and make your partner understand about how you feel about the trust issue.

crazyhazy

Thanks again for the replies, I have to say in the four years we've had a mortgage and associated bills despite having lapses with the gambling he has never not paid these. We got our joint account opened today and I also have access to his online banking just now for his current account until we switch everything over, I check my bank daily so will do the same with his and the new joint one, for the time being I will keep the cards and he will have a small amount of cash that he needs for work etc to remove temptation, I know some don't agree but I need to protect my family so for the time being that's how it will be until we've sorted out counselling etc. I'm feeling quite positive about it all today, although I'm sure this is just the beginning of a long road.

Errata

Good for you and best wishes for the future.