I don't know where else to turn

crazyhazy

I'm sorry for posting here when I've not been posting much but not sure where else to turn for advice. Background is my h is a gambler and has had a couple of lapses since we got together, the last one was when our 2yr old was a baby, he had counselling at the time, I went to a couple of sessions with him and I really thought things were going well. I had our 2nd baby 9 weeks ago and in the last few weeks had spotted odd signs that he might be gambling again, I didn't say anything cos if I'm honest I was hoping I was wrong. But last night I finally put everything together in my head and realised I needed to confront him, he kinda half heartedly denied it but then admitted he had been gambling again for a couple of months.

I am completely devastated and have no idea what to do. I told him last night it was over but tbh am not sure this is what I really want although i don't want to keep going through this every year or so either. He has taken today and tmrw off work at my request so we could talk but today I have avoided the issue completely, I just have no idea where to begin. I feel completely betrayed that he has done this again just when things should be perfect for us. Not sure the point of this post buit need to write it down and try to find a way of moving forward.

frugallass

I have no experience of what you are going through right now but just wanted to say 'be strong' and I really hope that you have a positive outcome

Errata

Reading your post it looks like he lapses around the time of the birth of each of your children, so the gambling could be his way of letting off steam/dealing with stress/comfort blanket.
Concentrate on the positive. He's kicked the habit once so he can kick it again. Maybe the conversation you both need to have is around him not having access to cash/credit that he doesn't need and having a cash allowance which you control for his petrol/lunch.
Another positive is that he left you enough clues to make you suspicious and confront him, so maybe this was his way of asking you to stop him - he just couldn't put it into words.
HTH and good luck.

3onitsway

Has it started again since new baby was born? Some men are a bit pathetic and feel 'pushed out' and 'sorry for themselves' when new baby is taking up your time.
Your OH turns to gambling - mine turned to other women, which is what split us up eventually!
You need to talk to him. Would he consider counselling again?, if it helped last time? Has he stopped now or is he trying to?

Hopefully someone with some experience of gambling will be along soon.

Be strong - and try to talk tomorrow.

lilac_lady

Try and find the courage to start talking about his problem. You've got two young children who need a father who can look after them so impress on him that if he keeps puting their welfare at risk (large debts, losing house etc) that he'll be losing his family. Tough love but the only forward for you. Not easy, I know but the alternative will be so much hearder on you in the long run.

grey_lady

'Concentrate on the positive. He's kicked the habit once so he can kick it again'

Not true! he hid it or he took a break from it.

Wake up OP, this is what he does and you either put up with it or split up, dont expect him to change.

Savvy_Sue

I don't know if your DH ever went to Gamblers Anonymous, but whether he did or not, you might find it helpful to talk to Gam-Anon about how YOU cope with this.

sandy2_2

Like all addicts, they fall off sometimes, but if they really want to stop they do eventually. Think of it like riding a bicycle, how many times did you fall off before you got the hang of it, it's the same with giving up smoking, or even slimming. Good luck to both of you

ChasingButterflies

Hey crazyhazy, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning (hugs)

I am going through this just now, except it isn't DH it is my Mum... tbh I wish I had some concrete perfect answer to give you but I am still looking for it myself!

One of the hardest things I found myself dealing with was losing the ability to trust anything she said (her lies seemed so genuine) I am not sure if this is how you are feeling? I also resent the fact that her actions (in terms of gambling so much that she lost her home and has built up quite large debts) has impacted on my family (She moved in with us almost 3 months ago, we have all her "things" stored in our dining room and the kids playroom) This is compounded by the fact that she really does treat this place like a hotel and has no concept of trying to make things easier for us.

What I am trying to say is that I am not bad for feeling like this and neither are you for how you feel.

I know you have a lot on your plate just now but you really cannot afford to sick your head in the sand, when I found out the extent of Mum's problems I faced her head on and told her she had to deal with it. She has made all the right noises (i.e. attending GA when she isn't working away) but I have to remind her it is payday and that she needs to pay her debts back but her heart isn't in it. I think my mistake was making things too easy, right now all of her wages could be spend on debt repayments, but she needs a £90 cut and colour to make her feel better... I guess that what I am saying is that in my case I feel like she will pay back her debts and be able to save a deposit for somewhere to rent, but I don't know if she will go back into the old habits. Which is depressing.

You know your DH, you need to speak to him and for both of you to be honest with one another. Only then can you really make any decisions about what to do from here. There is a very fine line from a gambler feeling in control to them losing it. He needs to think about where, how and why he gambles and then put plans in place so that he has a mechanism for stopping. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

I am sorry I sound quite harsh and have waffled on a little (hugs)

Congratulations on the arrival of your lo x

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1133929 < my old thread the replies I received were all very helpful - they may not all apply in your case but just incase.

crazyhazy

Thanksyou for the replies, especially as nearly everyone has been very supportive and positive. We have had a big chat and I just cannot give up on our marriage without another try, apart from the gambling everything is pretty much perfect, we have two beautiful children who need both of us and we do still love each other so it has to be worth fighting for. We are making an appointment at the bank this week to finally get a joint account sorted out then I will be taking control over all our finances, I think this has been the errror previously cos at the moment he manages most of it and most of our dds come out of his account, this way I will be in charge of everything. We will then work out how much money he actually needs and that is all he will have access to, no credit/debit cards. It won't be easy and will take time but hopefully we can move on from this, he is also contacting GA to find out where the nearest meetings are. I'm not convinced it's related to the new baby and neither is he, he is the most wonderful daddy ever, but he has had a lot of troubles at work in the last few months and he's not talked much about it cos I was having a difficult pregnancy and I think that is what's led to this bout of gambling. Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to respond to me, I'll no doubt be back posting once I've got the bank stuff sorted to finally get our budget sorted out.

sooz

crazyhazy wrote: »

Thanksyou for the replies, especially as nearly everyone has been very supportive and positive. We have had a big chat and I just cannot give up on our marriage without another try, apart from the gambling everything is pretty much perfect, we have two beautiful children who need both of us and we do still love each other so it has to be worth fighting for. We are making an appointment at the bank this week to finally get a joint account sorted out then I will be taking control over all our finances, I think this has been the errror previously cos at the moment he manages most of it and most of our dds come out of his account, this way I will be in charge of everything. We will then work out how much money he actually needs and that is all he will have access to, no credit/debit cards. It won't be easy and will take time but hopefully we can move on from this, he is also contacting GA to find out where the nearest meetings are. I'm not convinced it's related to the new baby and neither is he, he is the most wonderful daddy ever, but he has had a lot of troubles at work in the last few months and he's not talked much about it cos I was having a difficult pregnancy and I think that is what's led to this bout of gambling. Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to respond to me, I'll no doubt be back posting once I've got the bank stuff sorted to finally get our budget sorted out.

Are you sure that you want to set up a joint account with him? I can understand that you want to be in charge of the finances, but I'd be careful of putting everything into joint names. If you don't already have a joint account, or mortgage in both names, you are not officially financially linked to him. Once you open a joint account you would be. So if his credit goes, so does yours.

How about he sets up a DD on payday into your account - leaving whatever you have budgeted for his spending? Then you transfer all the outgoing DD's onto your account. At the same time he should consider downgrading his account, & removing the overdraft, credit cards etc that accompany it.