It is tough NOW. So how are we coping

kidcat

Dont know what to advise Frugalista, my OH is simialr in that he hates his job and gets very frustrated, meaning he brings it all home with him.

I am inclined to avoid it rather than confront unless it looks like getting out of hand when I will wade in.

Just wanted to send you big hugs and say we are here for you if you need to chat.

jamanda

I don't know either Frugalista, but didn't want to read and run. When DH was in a similar position a few years ago, I managed to distract him with a "Plan". We took it in turns to pick somewhere on a map where we could go and take a picnic (this was in the middle of winter mind you) and often ended up at the seaside in snow, hail, gales, etc., but we made an adventure of it. It got us through because it gave us something to look forward to.

Is there anything you can think of to distract him on his days off that he would enjoy - there are lots of things that don't need money, apart from parking perhaps?

Other than that, just back him up and sympathise with him. He needs to know his home is his haven. It needs to be yours too though.

annscullamus

Dear Frugalista,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation - I can't really imagine what it must be like, being single. I like jamanda's idea of distraction, and maybe it is worth giving it a try. I also think there is alot to be said for avoidance rather than confrontation.

My daughter and partner are here, but going tomorrow - the sheer waste is unbelievable, and the heating has been on so much. It seems beyond either of them to see and hear the kettle on the stove boiling its brains out, they just stick on the electric kettle, which is 3 feet from the stove - it is a whistling kettle - has the world gone mad, or do I need to get off.

I must say that I went through a particularly bad day today with pupils not turning up again - I lost £47 in income from 'no shows'. On days like this I think I should sell my largish oldish house and move to a small and warm one, with much less maintenance to do. But those houses for sale here have been up for 2/3 years and no offers, and precious little interest.

Ah well - tomorrow is another day......

jexygirl

Big Grats Ginny, that is one more down - good on you!

Frugalista, I am sorry to hear that things are hard for you, and like others, I think I understand why he is venting at you, but also feel your frustration and pressure.
I love the picnic idea, also perhaps, I dont know what your situation is, but can you talk about some "projects" that would get you both out? even if its digging the garden over and perhaps getting some seeds? I recently started some seeds off, as a total novice, and its inspired me to get outside and get things sorted ready for transplanting, and it wasnt expensive, I used any tub or receptacle that I found begged borrowed that was lying around and its done me the world of good. I also suffered severe depression ( I am a trained nurse, but until it happened to me I couldnt understand it at all - I was a lucky one, and a couple of years of councelling and St Johns wort saved my life) But due to my lifestyle, it was easy to stay in bed and do nothing on days off. Now I have to get up to let hens out, clean them, feed them etc, and tho I never thought I could grow things, Its done me the world of good having a "purpose" outside work. I am also contributing and providing, even if the ymostly die I tried! And if he is worried about ability to give you the life he thinks you want, its a way you can both do something. May sound small, but it really has made a difference and I get out in the fresh air. If you dont have space or garden, what about HFW landshare project, that would also get oyu meeting other people perhaps in a similar situation and give you a reason to go out and do something that costs nothing but can give great returns.
I think he maybe needs some reassurance too, have you chatted about it, or is it a subject that you dont want to or arent able to go there on? I guess he must feel he failed you, when you dont feel he did at all. You love him, he needs perhaps a little reassurance that you understand it isnt his fault and dont love him any less.
I truly hope you can find the strength to pull through and everyone here is so fantastic and I am sure you can come talk anytime if you need support or just a chat.
best wishes I hope it all works out - Im sure it will.
Jex

bluebag

Frugalista wrote: »

After being made redundant twice last year (Jan - got job in May - made redundant again in Oct ) OH started a job last week working 12 hour alternating day/night shifts in a small factory for minimum wage.

Whilst we both appreciate that he is lucky, in the present climate, to get any job, he is so down and depressed as he is now earning less than he was 20 years ago!! :eek:. Also, at 52 and having been in a management/desk job for many years he is finding it physically quite hard. He is not afraid of hard work and, having worked his way up from an engineering apprentice to being headhunted for management positions, he has always given his all to any job he has been in. Unfortunately, the industry has taken a nosedive and so the company he loved went into liquidation (like so many others).

He just seems so broken . We are arguing more and more as he is venting his frustration on me and I don't know how to deal with him while he is in this frame of mind. I am really trying to be supportive and positive but am finding it a real strain. I have suffered badly from depression in the past and, although I am in a good place at the moment, I am finding it really hard to try to keep us both upbeat.

Does anyone have any advice or coping techniques I can use? I'm sorry to offload on you all who are coping with your own problems - I just needed to vent .

That's really hard for him to take, having worked so hard for a good portion of his life he must feel really let down through no fault of his own.

My OH has had a bad illness diagnosed in January, very life changing! He sometimes gets the grump with me and the kids. I guess in their hurt they lash out at those they know will forgive them.

There is however a limit to how much of his grumpiness I will take, at that point I calmly let him know how it is making me feel. I don't shout or accuse I just say 'when you say X it makes me feel unappreciated and sad' or whatever it is I'm feeling. Most times he hasn't realised what he's doing, I guess in his misery he becomes blind to the suffering or others so to speak.
Don't let it get you down, you can work through this.
bb

Westywoodpecker

I've not read this thread for a while, so I hope people don't mind me butting in

Frugalista, I really feel for you and also BB :kisses3: You are both in really awful situations through no fault of your own I only hope that things improve for you both very quickly & you gain strength & hope from this thread.

(I'll say what a came by to say another time I think)

alice-mary

Big hugs to Frugalista, I can't even begin to imagine how you and your dh must be feeling but as other posters have said, the people on this thread are so supportive, when you feel the need to vent, this is a good place to do it.

Take care,

Alice
xx

Sun_Addict

Frugalista I can totally empathise with you. My OH's income has dropped by around £1,000 a month and he hates it. He never knows whether he's got work from one week to the next and it really gets him down. He picks me up from work every day and sometimes from the moment I get in the van to when we arrive home he moans about work non stop. After so long it begins to get to you and I'm afraid I got a bit of a strop on with him the other day and told him I was sick of hearing him moaning. The way I see it as long as he's putting something in the bank we can scrape through until times are better but he's very impatient and is fed up of waiting for things to pick up. One thing he has found has helped him is setting himself goals, eg one goal was to keep working until Christmas, his current one is to keep working until we go on holiday, etc, and not looking too far ahead at the moment. At least your OH is willing to take on another job even though it's far removed from what he's used to. Not sure what my OH would do if he lost his job completely, can't imagine him doing anything else but if needs must .....

I really hope things pick up for you soon. I think we've all had enough of this recession now.

mardatha

Tell him he's the head of the house & he's working to keep you, and you honour him for that. Heros come in many costumes,not just a pair of tights with an S on them
The garden thing is a good idea if he will do it - it slows you down and calms the mind.
Tell him (often lol!) that he's beat the sytem, he's still working and supporting you and the bu**ers will not get you both down .
My dad used to always say "Life's a sair fecht" - meaning life's a hard fight - and I used to roll eyes and smile. But now I'm older I know he was right .. and I'm NOT GOING TO BE BEATEN BY IT !

Primrose

Frugalista - I do understand how you feel. Years ago my OH was forced to take a job which paid virtuallynothing after he was made redundant in a previous recession. He too had previous had a management job and the loss of self-esteem was crippling for him. I do think that for men, this hurts even more than for women as traditionally, despite latter day sexual equality, they still feel they should be the prime breadwinners and support for their families. However, we bumbled through, as you do when you are pulling together, in the hope that it wouldn't be for ever and it wasn't. Things will improve for the better and all I can suggest is that you continue to support your OH as best you can, and ensure that he gets the rests and relaxation he needs if he is finding the work physically tiring. It may even be that long term, seeing 'the other side of the coin' from a job perspective may prove to be an additional valuable experience on his CV when the job market improves, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. I was reading the other day a Senior Executive's thoughts on his early days doing "work experience". He said that at the time he didn't think he was learning anything from it but on looking back over his career, he realised it had taught him many valuable lessons. So don't be disheartened, even on the black days. We do learn from all our experiences, even if they are painful ones. We learnt a lot about ourselves during that difficult time in our life. It made us stronger and it taught us a valuable lesson about developing real values which are not about the amount of money you earn, but that it is the simple things in life are what anchor you. Take time to love and laugh together whenever you can. Things WILL improve. You will look back on this difficult time and wonder how you got through it, but you WILL.