Sorry - really long thread....

UKroseblue

Sorry for the long post but I just don’t know what to do next…

I’ll tell you the background…My daughter is 13 and is a typical teenage girl – into music, makeup and friends. I have been on my own with her since she was 2yo as her father and I split up.

When we were together she was a real ‘daddy’s girl’ and although we both worked, he spent a lot of time with her as we worked different shifts. I think this was partly to blame with us splitting up but the upshot was he met someone else at work and they have since married.

When we first split up, I stayed in the home and there were a lot of arguments about the mortgage, joint loans we had and money for our daughter etc. He basically refused to pay anything towards the house and said, ‘we should sell it as it was too big for just the two of us’ and initially he came over to look after our daughter while I was working but that soon fizzled out and I had to pay for a childminder. He never paid anything for our daughter until about 3 years ago when the CSA slapped on an AEO although we have since made a private arrangement that has been going well.

I did sell the house eventually as I couldn’t afford to keep it going and decided to cut my losses and he did agree to me keeping the equity which was just enough for a deposit on a small cottage with a mortgage that I could manage on my own salary.

Apart from the maintenance money which he wasn’t paying we sorted most other things out and got divorced and he subsequently married his partner and they went onto have 2 more daughters. The moved about 3 hours away from us but ironically nearer to where I was bought up as a child and still had family and friends.

For about 2 years he drove up every other Friday, collected our daughter and drove back on a Sunday. This seemed to work well but after a couple of years (and the two kids of theirs) he started to ask me to meet him halfway. Rightly or wrongly, I refused as at this point he wasn’t paying maintenance; I was working 6 days a week with two jobs and felt that as it was his choice to move away, he should do the driving. Anyway, that Christmas when he collected our daughter for a few days holiday he presented me with a court summons – he had applied for a residency order. :eek:

I was shocked and upset but we went through the due procedure where he presented as a loving close knit family with ‘two’ parents and I was a struggling single mother, never at home as I was working and 'his' daughter being ‘fobbed off’ to childminders or relatives – I was seething, but after 8 months of mediation etc I was awarded residency and agreed to him having as much access as he liked and would drive halfway to meet him etc (tbh – I would have agreed to anything that meant keeping our daughter with me). However, he then turned round and said he was only going to see our daughter for 3 weeks per year, one at Christmas, one at Easter and one in the summer holidays!! :rolleyes: I never found out why ,when he wanted her all the time, suddenly he could only then see her 3 times a year but I was just so relieved to have her live with me. This went on for a couple of years then the opportunity came up to return to where I was bought up and I sold up and went to live in a lovely part of the country where I thought our daughter would thrive, I would be happier as I was near family and friends for support and her father was nearer too.

I told him what I was doing but he insisted the 3 times per year visits continued, even though he was now only 45 minutes away! Our daughter was 6yo by this time and she settled in well at school. She would phone her dad from time to time between visits, and then he said he was moving (not far away) and would let us know his new contact details. Well, he didn’t and although I was in touch with his parents, he had cut himself off from them when we had split up because his dad voiced disapproval of how he was treating us, they didn’t know his new details either. I tried to find out, as did they, but not with too much effort it has to be said and our daughter was growing up, talking about him less and making friends and a life – he didn’t seem very important and to be honest, life was easier, though I never voiced any of this to her and when she did suddenly remember after a few months that she hadn’t spoken to him or seen him I explained he must be busy and would probably be in touch soon.

Anyway, after nearly 3 years of no contact, out of the blue she was with my parents, who had retired by now, and spotted him delivering from his lorry! She screamed at my dad to pull over, which he did and she got out and ran to him crying. Although I wasn’t there, my parents said he was emotional and seemed genuinely pleased to see her. She accused him of not phoning like he said he would and he promised to phone her at the weekend and pass on all his new details and would keep in touch. My parents spoke quietly to him (even though my dad wanted to ‘knock his block off’!) and told him not to promise something he wouldn’t keep to, as it wouldn’t be fair to our daughter and he assured them he would call. He did call and gave his new details and they have since been in touch.

She visited them at their house and stayed over sometimes – it was never as much as every other weekend, more like 4 times a year but she seemed happy as she could just pick the phone up and call him and just the fact she knew his address and phone number seemed to be enough. It should be a happy ending but true to form, he didn’t always keep his promises about phoning her and visits were often cancelled and he rarely bothered with birthday and Christmas presents. As she grew older she became frustrated and angry at him for not keeping his promises and I told her to tell him how she felt but she was scared of hurting his feelings (!) or ‘frightening him off’. She did write to him recently though and told him how she feels but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference and to cap it all, this August was her 13th birthday and he promised her a Wii fit which he’d give to her when he came for a visit the week after her birthday. He cancelled the visit again (he hasn’t seen her since February) and hasn’t been in touch since. (No Wii fit either!) She has left messages on his mobile and has texted him but he hasn’t replied and now she’s really angry again.

I just don’t know what to do about him – I have told him so many times in the past to keep his promises, or don’t promise to contact her at a certain time or day in case something happens but he just says ‘ok’ but continues to do it! He has postponed so many visits and makes up excuses all the time – the last one was an accident at work that had him hospitalised – it may have been true and our daughter was upset at the thought he was hurt but I doubt everything he says! It’s so frustrating for me, let alone our daughter and I worry that he is damaging her self esteem or is storing up problems for her adult life i.e. – being able to cope with rejection etc but although she says sometimes she isn’t bothered if she never sees him again I know that isn’t true. I keep telling myself that surely some contact is better than none – especially at her age where she is able to make up her own mind anyway but is it? I feel in every other way she is happy – there’s no problems at school, she makes friends easily, she has an active after school life and everyone who meets her says what a happy, likable child she is (even though she’s now a teenager!) and me and my parents and my family have been constants throughout and have shown her a lot of love so I know that is a positive influence but there’s a part of me that just wants to pick up the phone and tell him to f*** off forever so, any advice from you wonderful people out there?

Sorry for the very long post - longer than it was going to be but once I started well, you know how it is…:D

TotallyBroke

If you have his contact details could you not get intouch with him or maybe his new wife. Maybe talk to her as a mother herself she may understand better and she can force the issue of access.
If that can't work then you need to convince your daughter to talk to her extended family without the fear of hurting them. She needs to think of herself first them second.
Good luck I hope your daughter works this out one way or another. Well done to you for never bad mouthing him to her it's hard not to do sometimes.

belfastgirl23

To be honest I don't think there's a lot you can do here beyond being her mum and being there to support her. I don't think there's any point in you being in touch with her dad, partly because he will presumably just think you are complaining for the sake of it (which I know you aren't obviously) and partly because her relationship with her father is something that you can't have any control over. Which I know is heartbreaking for you and short term hard for her as well. I'd also caution against advising her what to do or even giving her any views on his behaviour, I know it's difficult but the last thing you want is to end up either defending his behaviour to her or even worse putting her in a position of defending him to you. Listening to her and letting her get her anger out is probably the most important thing.

the other thing is that she is learning from all of this. They are sad lessons but may protect her later in life from other men like her father.

Bitsy_Beans

It's hard to watch but she'll learn from this (albeit the hard way). No amount of talking to him will make him change his ways so I think you'd be wasting your time. He's hurting your daughter and I can understand why you want to tell him to sling his hook for good. However it should be up to your daughter to say that to him, perhaps she will when she's older.
For now I think you are going to have to just be there to listen and support her feelings.
What a knob though.........

AnnieM_3

What a pathetic excuse for a father this man is! No.. wait... what a pathetic excuse for a MAN!

I have every sympathy for you and your daughter - I hope she realises it is not her fault, it's him being a waste of space. He obviously has a lot of issues if he keeps cutting people out of his life and dropping contact with them, and it is maybe these that are causing him to behave in this way. Nobody who does this to their family/children for no good reason can be quite right in the head!

Aylana

Op, I really feel for you and your daughter. Your story could have been told by my mum. I have been in your daughters position and believe me, it hurts. Even now as a grown woman I wonder why my dad didn't and doesn't seem to care about me. I don't think I will ever understand it. He occasionally still pops his head up supposedly full of guilt but it never lasts long. The only advice I can offer is to be there for your daughter and make sure she realises it is not her fault, it is entirely down to him. It sounds like you are already doing a good job though.

UKroseblue

Thanks for all your replies.

I have told him in the past that he is messing with her head by not phoning when he says he will and cancelling visits and he apologises, phones her for a week or two then it happens all over again!

Bitsy - I agree about him being a knob!

Aylana - that's exactly what DD says - that 'Dad doesn't seem to care about me' and that's what's so hard because I've never thought he doesn't care for or love her. When he does see her she really enjoys it and so does he it seems, but then he doesn't follow it up - it's like he's done his 'duty' for now and can leave it for another few months and go back to his 'other life' instead of her being part of his 'here and now' life.

All my friends say as you do, that all i can do is be there and listen and she will realise herself one day but they (nor he) see how upset she gets and now (as a teenager) how angry she is too and however much i tell her its not her fault and she's done nothing wrong, she feels she must have done something or upset him at some point, hence her worrying about telling him how she feels for fear of alienating him further (in her eyes). I just feel for her as she's having to deal with all the emotions growing up that are normal anyway as well and all he needs to do is take a little more interest - it's not much to ask as she'd be happy with a five minute phone call once a week just asking her how she is and what she's been up to but he doesn't seem able to even spare the time for that!

Anyway, thanks again for your messages. We're fine most of the time and it's only now and again it raises it's head really (now, because she can't get hold of him again) and i guess i was just feeling the need for a little rant!

Errata

I wonder if you've had a conversation with her along the lines of
"Dad really loves you, but he's incredibly unreliable and he can be quite irresponsible sometimes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Some people are just like that and don't seem to be able to stop doing it."

tsstss7

I agree with the others. In reality there is nothing you can do to make him a more reliable dad, and there's not much you can do to protect your DD without making it seem like you are trying to interfere.

The best you can do is what you've been doing - be a constant in her life and try your best to make her feel it is not her fault when he inevitably does let her down.

Pink_butterfly_3

Well, I don't really have any useful advice to give you but maybe this might help you feel a bit better?

Your ex sounds just like my 'Dad'. He used to maintain regular contact with me, it then started to get less and less. I barely saw him, he let me down at every opportunity. My Mum never bad mouthed him, never tried to set me against him. She just protected me and much as she good, and as I got older, I saw the real him.

I'm 26 now, with a husband and two children. I've never had any relationship problems and/or issues, lol. I have a fantastically close relationship to my Mum, who I love to bits. And my Dad? Well, hes never met his grandchildren and all I can say is its his loss.

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job. Your daughter will eventually see your ex for what he is, and as long as she has your love and support, she won't need anything else. If he wants to miss out on his wonderful daughter growing up, then its his loss and no-one elses.

aliasojo

My ex and I split when the (then) youngest was 7 and a half. He was pretty well off and could afford to buy the kids anything (including £1200 laptops!). He always gave his money more freely than he did his time though and often went for long periods without contacting the kids. They were hurt a lot and tbh, they were also being a bit mercenary as they knew that seeing him = money spent on them and not seeing him = zilch. They were spoilt, which made it very hard for me to parent them 'properly' at my end. It was very hard for me to not badmouth him but I bit it all back as I knew the only people it would hurt would be my kids.

When they got older and he wasn't 'there' for them when important things happened, they got upset but fast forward a few years and they got realistic.

The one who was his 'Daddy's boy' is now 19 and sees things for exactly what they are. He still loves his Dad obviously but he says himself that his Dad was never really a proper Dad and he's now glad I was 'so bad' to him. (That's his way of saying he knows he got discipline from me because I cared btw...not that I beat him with a stick or anything, lol.)

So OP, the point I'm making is that it all passes and comes to the right end, in the end. I know it's hard to watch your child being hurt, but some things in life you have no control over and you have to let them learn about hard stuff in life too.

Your daughter WILL grow up a happy, balanced youngster regardless of her Dad, simply because she has YOU. As long as you hold your end up and dont do anything that a) reflects badly on you or b) hurts her in some way (like badmouthing her Dad for example), then she'll be fine.

One thing I did before finally giving up, was to write a very nice (even although it stuck in my throat) letter, explaining that I knew we both wanted the best for the kids (choked hard on that bit!!! :rolleyes: ) and that it would be best for them if we could come to some sort of arrangement which meant he saw the kids regularly. I emphasised the fact that it didn't have to be every week, the frequency of it was down to him etc just so long as the kids were secure in the knowledge that they would be getting to see their Dad at some stage every so often. I made it clear how much they loved him and asked him to think about how he would have felt if his Dad acted in the same way to him, as he was acting to his children.

It had enough of an effect to make him feel bad for all of a month after which time, he reverted to his old usual.

I firmly believe that there are people who just dont have the wisdom required to be a decent parent. All you can do is be supportive enough for two.