Other half's children-GRR- Help me to help him please

movingon

I'm so upset and I need to be calm and rational for when OH gets in from work later and sees the e mail I have just seen. Hope someone can give me sane advice from their experience.

To cut a long story short: OH left long unhappy marriage in which they were both rowing in front of kids, four years ago. Youngest daughter at the time was 11 yrs old. Her mother refused to let OH see her or have contact and told OH she would "make his life a misery" for leaving her. The courts ruled that daughter could make her own decision re who to live with and it was impossible for him to get ex wife to stick to access as she continually said that young daughter refused to see him. He first got to see her about two years after separation, when ex wife asked him to clear out the house in preparation for its sale.

He and daughter were fine then, and he hoped that he could resume contact. But the daughter refused again, and mother condoned this saying she was settling down in new house, then new school , then had homework bla. There was always a reason why not.

He then saw her again in Febuary of this year and took her out for the day. He thought they had had a great time but when he called her the next day, she was rude. He tried a few times after that and she was off hand with him. He asked to see her at Easter and she was too busy. ( I should say here, that by now he has moved 90 miles away for work)

He has tried to make contact for this half term , but has been told that he has been ignoring her, and so she is not sure if she wants to see him.

Now an e mail has come full of vitriol from her, telling him that it is his job to make contact even if she rejects him and telling him to get lost if this time HE messes her around.

I was sorely tempted to delete it. He will be so upset. He has tried and tried over the last four years, and is constantly being rejected. Whilst I accept that he is the adult here and her father, I feel that she knows exactly how to hurt him and this has been encouraged by her mother. She has for example said to someone else that she will only see her father "when she needs some new clothes", as she knows he will give her money.
He would do anything make things up with her, and she knows this.

I get angry on his behalf, but this is not productive. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help him, or that he should do in this situation?
Thanks in anticipation

Uniscots97

Don't delete the email. Calm down, make a cuppa and be ready to give him a hug after he reads it. This little girl will realise hopefully when she's older that she's being used by her mother (thats what it sounds like) to get back at her Dad. All you can do is be there for your OH and help him not give in to the daughter's spiteful ways i.e. "if you loved me you'd buy me new clothes" type thing, its never shopping trips that are remembered when older but trips to the park, beach etc. Hang on in there.

pboae

She's an angry and hurt teenager who feels rejected. Teenagers can be vile to their parents even in the best situation. Virtually every teenager will tell their parent they hate them and they are ruining their life, and then be all sweetness and light when they want something. Absent parents suffer that ten fold.

She is basically right, in this part "telling him that it is his job to make contact even if she rejects him and telling him to get lost if this time HE messes her around." She didn't make this mess, and her life has been torn apart by it.

It's a horrible position for him to be in, and my heart goes out to him, but if he wants a relationship with her he is going to have live through this stage and prove to her that no matter how much she throws at him, he still wants her in his life. That means there will be a lot more nastiness and a lot more rejection in the meantime, with every likliehood that it will get worse before it gets better.

Eventually it will get better and when she's matured a bit they will hopefully be able to make a real stab at healing their relationship. Until then all he can do is try not to show her his anger and hurt, and to be the adult in her life, especially if her mother isn't doing that for her as well.

MrsTinks

Ok... Many years ago my dad remarried after he and my mum divorced. He had a daughter with his new wife. Within a year of her birth they split and my father was refused access to his youngest daughter. He fought every year on her birthday for access through the courts and every year he was refused.
When my sister was about 15 he got a mail from her out of the blue - she'd ended up in trouble with the law and had tried to kill herself and was now in a home for "troubled kids". She realised that most of what her mum had spent the last 15 years telling her about her father was lies, something she suspected in her own way for many years as MY mothers grandmother (so no actual family relation) had managed to get in contact by sheer chance...
She asked her dad to get in touch with her at the home and after 15 years we started contact. My sister is now 20 and she still has issues, we've had to distance ourselves from her because it was too hard to have to deal with her behaviour and reactions. She had to be bailed out from jail, she got in trouble time after time but now, finally, we're starting to build some bridges...

Your OHs daughter is 15, she's a walking hormone and she has more than likely been told a lot of things by her mum that aren't true. She might be lashing out at her dad because he's easiest to lash out at. She doesn't want to doubt her mother because if she does then what is left for her to believe in? Tell your DH to write a letter to her and explain how he feels, NOT to put any blame on her mother much as it might be deserved then it won't help right now.
Tell her he loves her, tell her that he wants to be part of her life and that if she wants him as part of her life then he'd be very happy.

Try to stay calm and once he's written the mail then tell him to sleep on it and read it in the morning before sending it.

And he has to stop trying to buy her affection... seriously... You can't buy a childs love.

movingon

Mrstine, thanks for sharing your experience, which is useful

Your OHs daughter is 15, she's a walking hormone and she has more than likely been told a lot of things by her mum that aren't true. She might be lashing out at her dad because he's easiest to lash out at. She doesn't want to doubt her mother because if she does then what is left for her to believe in?

i agree, but am at a loss as how to change the status quo after all this time, and now that the "myth" of crap dad is so firmly established.

Tell your DH to write a letter to her and explain how he feels, NOT to put any blame on her mother much as it might be deserved then it won't help right now.
Tell her he loves her, tell her that he wants to be part of her life and that if she wants him as part of her life then he'd be very happy.

He has done this once before but there was no response. She DID get the letter


And he has to stop trying to buy her affection... seriously... You can't buy a childs love.[/quote]

He knows this , but sadly, it seems it is all that is wanted right now.