Help!! "Step" family - who pays for what????

ldavies_3

A long time ago I had a partner who had 2 children the same age as my 2 boys.. Im trying not to be negative but it was a nightmare and mainly the reason we split up after a year.. It became a proper battle on everything from pocket money, cuddles, discipline, everything really. Both sets of boys would play us off against each other and it was ugly.

That said, the experience taught me a lot and made me realise that I wasnt cut out to pretend to be someone elses mum.

If I was in a similar position now, I think maybe I would handle it better and actually understand why the boys were behaving the way they were.

Prudent

I agree with conradmum that you do need to have a discussion about this before marriage. If she doesn't want to share the cost - which is fair enough- then there will obviously need to be some compromise over the kind of things you do to make it affordable to you.

What ever the outcome, I think the main thing is that the children know they are a priority. You want to be able to do things with them. They also need to know that there is a budget for activities and you may need to do cheap things as well as expensive things. Perhaps involving them with the decissions would help. My dd got very resentful when she felt her (high earning) dad was not spending much on doing things with her, but was spending a lot on doing things with his girlfriend and her children.

Your gf sounds lovely and you may find that as she builds a relationship with your girls she will want to do things with them herself.

gravitytolls

Well done for asking. I suspect, based on things friends have said, that this is often a bone of contention, particularly when stepchildren don't live with one parent full time.

Rosie_Bud

I am a stepmum to my DHs 2 children and really really hoping for some of my own (NOW!) All of our money is shared completely. We don't have his and mine it is all ours. I think that is the way it should be in a family but I don't think everyone shares this view. It works for us though. This includes maintenance for the children - this comes out of our "pot", or whoevers account has enough money in at the time. If that happens to be my account then so be it! Just realised that sounds like a contradiction - we do both have our own accounts and a joint one. Wages into own accounts, money each month into joint account for bills and then we live off each others own accounts for the month.

At the end of the day she knew who you were when she met you and she knew the kiddies would come as part of the package.

I don't think you mentioned how long you have been together? I assume it must be a while if you are considering marriage. Maybe things are still a bit weird for her but I do know that I felt more "stepmum-like" when we actually got married. Everything sort of slotted into place after and now we just trundle along as a little part time family. Obviously we are a family all the time but we have the kids in the week and every other weekend so thats what I mean about part time.

I do definitely think if this is concerning you at all then you should definitely have a conversation before you make a proposal.

Rosie xx