Help!! "Step" family - who pays for what????

giddysquid

Hi all,
First time post so please be kind.

I'm a divorced dad with two daughters 7 and 9.
I see my girls every other weekend a night in the week and longer periods through the holidays.
I've been lucky enought o find a truly awesome girlfriend.
Question is - how do we divide costs for family things?
Already when we go away it causes a little tension as things my GF can afford easily I have to pay multiplied by three - not always easy.
My daughters are my responsibility - no problem there - but what happens when we become a new family?
I don't know what the etiquette is and would appreciate guidance from fellow money saving experts.
BTW - my objective isn't so much saving money here - I'm just a little confliceted as to the moral issues.

So - let me know!

Giddy Squid - Debt Free and gonna stay that way!!!!!!:A

pinksleepybear

I think you need to be prepared to pay for yourself and your daughters, but thankful if your GF chips in for them too.

My partner has 3 kids and we usually split costs 50-50, or he pays a bit more than me for the kids, but I'd be a bit cheesed off if he came to expect it everytime.

annie_d

My wonderful husband has paid for everything for my children including University education and deposit on a flat...x 3. I could not ask for a better man. Although we both work, he earns more than me and our money is pooled.
Many of my friends are in step parent relationships and money spent on the children of others is ALWAYS a (big) issue. I was very lucky as my husband said he knew i came as a package right from the start and was willing to make that commintment to "us" and not just to "me" If the situation was reversed, i.e. if he had children and i hadn't I don't know that I could be as benerous and lacking in resentment as he is.
Anyway, xx Good Luck for your future plans

Mojisola

If your GF is truly awesome then she will know that if she marries you she will become stepmother to your daughters and all of you together will make a family. If she's not prepared to go share her money with her new family then perhaps she's not so awesome.

squashy

I'm a stepmum. At the moment I am the "breadwinner" and he is the "househusband". However I simply accept that my step children are part of OUR monthly outgoings. In fact I have just booked a holiday for next year for all 7 of us (2 of us + 2 step kids + 3 of our own) of which I will be paying 100% of the cost.

To be honest it never even occurred to me that this was an issue until I saw this question

charlottecarter

I agree with squashy - I too am a stepmother, to a stepson who lives with us full time. From the day we started dating I knew I was signing up to a package and even though we have had two more babies we treat all 3 of them in exactly the same way with regard to everything - money, time, toys, telling offs... everything. I'm sure your girlfriend will have concerns about stuff too - becoming a stepmum can be daunting - why don't you just talk to her? I'm sure she'd appreciate knowing how concerned you are to do the right thing by her.

nickyhutch

My OH lives with me and my DS14, and we have his 2 sons, 13 and 11, every other weekend. All our money goes in one pot, and whatever we spend comes out of there. We're a family - even though we're not together all the time. Your GF needs to accept your kids as part of the overall package!

giddysquid

Thanks to all for your views.
Pinksleepybear - thats kind of how I operate now. My GF is 10 years younger and no kids and sometimes she just doesn't get how expensive it can all be - not her fault as she has yet to open the money vein that is children :-) - only joking - I love them dearly (just realised the double menaing of dearly)
It just doesn't seem sustainable int he long term - what about when we have our own kids?
Annie D - your guy sounds great - and so do you for how you reflect on things - thanks for your good wishes
Mojisola - she really is awesome - its not that she wont help - its more that I dont like to let her - think im quite prickly about it - dont want to seem like a !!!!!!!!!!.
Squashy - Hope I havent opened a can of worms - soun ds like it works for you guys. This is aprt of my thinking - how bizarre would it be if a partner didnt pay towards the costs of things but then shared all the love??
Charlotte - I'm happy to talk but just unsure how I feel - I know my pride is getting in the way - hence soliciting some views from you guys. I don't know what I think and was hoping you would have some easy answers (as if!)

Mojisola

giddysquid wrote: »

she really is awesome - its not that she wont help - its more that I dont like to let her - think im quite prickly about it - dont want to seem like a !!!!!!!!!!.

I'm happy to talk but just unsure how I feel - I know my pride is getting in the way - hence soliciting some views from you guys. I don't know what I think and was hoping you would have some easy answers (as if!)

I think you have been given the easy answer - if she marries you, she marries a father with children and you all work (and pay) together as a unit.

conradmum

One thing is for sure, you need to have that talk with her and get everything out in the open before the relationship gets even more serious. Otherwise you may both have different ideas of what is reasonable and there is a danger that resentment will simmer beneath the surface,damaging your relationship.

I should think, given her situation and what's happened so far, that she doesn't think she should pay for your children. She doesn't have any herself and your children don't live with you full time, so she probably sees them as an intermittent add-on, rather than part of you, iyswim.

Couples tend to either pool all their money in one pot and just consult each other over major purchases, or each contribute an amount to the shared expenses and keep the rest of their earnings for themselves. I think if you take the first option, you need to be sure that your girlfriend is okay with 'her' money being spent on 'your' kids. If you take the second option, then it's likely that you'll pay for your kids and she will chip in at her discretion.

As another example for you to consider, dh and I each have two children by former partners and one child together. My children live with us. I work and get maintenance from my children's father. The way we deal with paying for each other's children is that dh will pay for all of us if we go out somewhere (he nearly always pays because he's the major breadwinner), and I will buy presents for his children on birthdays etc. He buys my children presents too. But I wouldn't expect dh to pay for major expenses for my children, such as university education. That's their father's and my responsibility.

This arrangement suits us both and we never argue about money or who has bought what for whom.

doelani

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you have been given the easy answer - if she marries you, she marries a father with children and you all work (and pay) together as a unit.

I agree totally....

I have 3 stepchildren and also 3 children so I am a stepmum and my hubby is stepdad to my children. There is no me and him as far as paying for any of the children , WE pay.

If you GF has no children it will be a big commitment but you need to sort it before you get married/live together as stepfamily and finances can be a problem.