Help / advice needed Please !

krisskross

Where did the lass live before she met your son?

How does your son feel about the situation? does he want to stay with her and the child to be? in which case they could look for a rented place and claim HB etc.

I do feel the solution lies with what the mother and father to be want. If I were the OP I would tell my son in no uncertain terms to sort it out.

Oldernotwiser

hanny83 wrote: »

. However, the difference is, you did that because you cared and you made sure that he had a secure place to live. This situation is different as there is an unborn baby involved and it's all too easy for the son to just forget about her and his parents to just ditch her. This girl is someones child that is not around any more to help her or guide her and if she is just dumped at the council office who knows where she will end up?

No, the difference is that Scooby's son was her responsibility whereas neither this girl or her baby are the OP's.

It's not a question of "ditching" her; the fact that she's pregnant in their house doesn't make it their problem. It might be their grandchild but some people's sons impregnate half the neighbourhood. Are the parents of a lad like that responsible for all of his "accidents" as well?

seven-day-weekend

I would give both the girl and your son a good talking to pointing out their responsibilities.

Then I would help them to find a rented place (either from the Council or private) where they can bring up their child together.

hanny83_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

No, the difference is that Scooby's son was her responsibility whereas neither this girl or her baby are the OP's.

It's not a question of "ditching" her; the fact that she's pregnant in their house doesn't make it their problem. It might be their grandchild but some people's sons impregnate half the neighbourhood. Are the parents of a lad like that responsible for all of his "accidents" as well?

I see what you're trying to say here but actually, yes it is their problem. The OP is trying to eradicate all responsibility from his son to this unborn child. His son made his bed and now he has to lie in it, it is upto the OP to pull all involved together and remedy this situation. The OP is an adult, we do not know how old the son is yet he is old enough to have 5 figure debts which suggests that he needs a bit of support too. As for the girl, yes, she was old enough to get pregnant, but the fact is is that she is still a child.

It's all too easy in this day and age to ignore things and hope that they go away. Funny how no-one is prepared to take responsibility anymore and just shaft someone purely because they are not blood related. She was good enough to sleep with though wasn't she, and now things have got sticky it's the final straw and they will have to push her out quickly before she pushes out even more responsibility.

I'm not saying she should have an easy ride, of course she should pay her way, but give the poor girl a break.

Oldernotwiser

hanny83 wrote: »

I see what you're trying to say here but actually, yes it is their problem. The OP is trying to eradicate all responsibility from his son to this unborn child. His son made his bed and now he has to lie in it, it is upto the OP to pull all involved together and remedy this situation. The OP is an adult, we do not know how old the son is yet he is old enough to have 5 figure debts which suggests that he needs a bit of support too. As for the girl, yes, she was old enough to get pregnant, but the fact is is that she is still a child.

It's all too easy in this day and age to ignore things and hope that they go away. Funny how no-one is prepared to take responsibility anymore and just shaft someone purely because they are not blood related. She was good enough to sleep with though wasn't she, and now things have got sticky it's the final straw and they will have to push her out quickly before she pushes out even more responsibility.

I'm not saying she should have an easy ride, of course she should pay her way, but give the poor girl a break.

I agree with you completely about the son's responsibilities; it's the parents role in this that I have problems about. Their role should be to kick their son into shape, but not to take on the girl and baby.

If you read past posts you'll see that they've been supporting this girl for over a year! To repay this generosity by getting pregnant seems a terrible selfishness on the part of both the son and the girlfriend; I'm not surprised the OP has had enough.

~Chameleon~

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I agree with you completely about the son's responsibilities; it's the parents role in this that I have problems about. Their role should be to kick their son into shape, but not to take on the girl and baby.

If you read past posts you'll see that they've been supporting this girl for over a year! To repay this generosity by getting pregnant seems a terrible selfishness on the part of both the son and the girlfriend; I'm not surprised the OP has had enough.

Ok, having read the OP again and taking into account your comments above, part of me wonders whether the girl might have purposely got pregnant to save her having to find a job and hoping the OP would take pity on her and continue to support her

I guess none of us know the exact circumstances and can only go on the info the OP has given. And yes, I agree the son needs to be involved and should be the one making decisions for his, the girl's and their child's future.

hanny83_2

Yes, I agree with the last two posts completely. I guess I am just thinking along the lines that the girl is at such a tender age, all she is probably wanting is a bit of stability so she thought she'd get pregnant (I know this is a complete assumption). There are reasons why people behave the way they do even if these are not the right way to go about things. I get the impression that the OP might be lacking in any form of discipline (again, a total assumption on my behalf) and perhaps he should have pulled his finger out a bit sooner. But I suppose the issue has cropped up and now needs to be addressed.

Sorry for the earlier ranting!

sospanfach1

Bit late for talking now .Son should be taking on responsibility for what he has got himself into.Alright saying its their grandchild but it seems to me to what OP is saying she did,nt want to know about work,so can see why he is upset

lil_me

To look at it in one way, if they lived together in their own place her partner would be expected to provide for her and any benefits would consider his earnings in any entitlement decision. Therefore if it was my son, regardless of his debts (he could seek other help with this) I would expect him to provide for her until she is working herself/able to claim CTC/child benefit when the baby is born. They wouldn't be entitled to IS with an income of £250 per week. If she moves out alone he will have to pay a portion of his income to her via the CSA when the child is born so he can't just turn his back on them both because of financial reasons. This then may of course kick his backside into gear asking her to get some employment before the child is born, there is always temporary jobs (more at this time of year than others so she's lucky there) and employers can't refuse to employ someone because they are expecting a child (in fact at first she wouldn't even need to tell them)

Who is her guardian? Usually when children loose both parents under the age of 18 a guardian is responsible for them.

As has been suggested seeking advice from appropriate agencies such as the job centre, welfare rights or even her social worker would be an appropriate next step.

Bogof_Babe

Do you know whether she intends to keep the baby? Perhaps in these unfortunate circumstances adoption would be the best for all concerned, including the child.

What is your son's attitude towards all this? You have hardly mentioned him, so it comes across as if he has no intention of doing the decent thing. I hope I am wrong about that.