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Relationship troubles...:(
StueyT
Posts: 6 Forumite
Hi all,
Looking for some relationship advice. This is a long post and I apologise.
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 6 years. She lived down in Manchester with me for the last 4 years, after the first 2 years were built over a long distance between Glasgow and Manc.
Over the last year or 2, I've been suffering from a depression to which I had no idea what the cause was. Over the last 14-16 months, it has been affecting our relationship. I would become more irritable, have moodswings and a v low stress threshold. I knew I was shouting at my girlfriend for the most trivial of things at times, but at the time I couldnt stop myself. There was nothing physical taken out on her and she says she never feared there might be. Physically during this time I always felt a wreck. Its no justification for it being taken out on her, but theres little I can do to change the past. I spoke to her about moving back to her homeland (She was the one from Glasgow) to be closer to her family and for us to start afresh...maybe my job was the reason? We agreed, and 4 months back we moved into her parents house in Glasgow for 1 month before getting our own place in Edinburgh. Her parent's was a small 2 bedrooms house which would be home to 5 people with us 2 in there. We slept in the dining room on an inflatable bed which touched the walls at each side. It was very claustrophobic, and with that coupled with a Glasgow-Edinburgh hike and back each day for work, my depression got worse. I got it intom y head that the country was the cause and thta I wanted to go abroad. I told her, and after much back and forth she told me she'd think about it. In reality, she now tells me she was actually trying to get out of life with me.
I noticed things were bad when she was always late from work, out with friends longer than she said she would be and numerous other things, including her hiding her phone screen quickly when a txt from a certain bloke showed on her screen. I panic'd, confronted her and she said she was moving out for a bit, to give us a break. During this conversation, I broke down and came out with an automatic outburst of what my depression was. It was my family life, being from a broken home and seeing my dads depression, and losing several family members over the last 8 years. I never dealt with it at the times each event happened because I was 'the strong one' in my family, for my dad and my siblings, and the events built up on me - this was the result. Since finding out, ive felt so much better physically and mentally. But im now depressed at my relationship.
She always told me she wanted to work things out and fix our issues. However, her time away from our flat has been spent either wth me or with this other bloke who had been txting her. She always maintained he was just a friend. I accepted that at first, but about 1 month ago I met her in town. I came up behind her and she was txting him telling him she was somewhere else doing something else and no mention of being with me. She told me it 'was easier' that way. I quizzed why and she didnt give a straight answer. A week later, I found she was then lying to me about meeting with him as I saw her open a txt from him regarding meeting the next day, a day she said she couldnt meet me on because she was studying. I basically went '!!!!!!?!', quizzed her again and said she needs to get rid if she wants to stay together with me. She immediatley agreed and apologised. A couple of days later, she told me she'd done it and so we started again. The following weekend, her phone flashed up whilst she was in my shower, 'new message from' and this blokes name was there. I read it. 'Can we meet at 3 instead of 1 today?'. A day she told me she was going to go buy some boots and then go do some housework. I had a go at her and she left crying. The next day, I went around and told her it was over and that Im going for job interviews back in Manchester. She txt me the next day and asked if we could meet on the Saturday and have a day forgetting about it all. I agreed. We did, and we had a fantastic day. She stayed over, and when she was in the shower the next day, I looked at her phone again to make sure he wasnt there anymore. I saw a txt to her friend saying 'ive spoken to him and we're just friends now. Its for the best'. So they were 'together' but she chose me over him. I confronted her again, and said 'look, I know whats been goin on, and I forgive you. Lets go for this on a 100% clean slate'. She told me she had only kissed him once and there was no sex. She apologised and left crying again, saying she didnt deserve me and that I should go because 'its best for you'. I said I wasnt. That was last week. This weekend, she waso ver at her parents to try and speak to them (Something she hadnt been doing) and to try clear her head. It seemingly hadnt worked and she told me on the phone last night she still doesnt know what she feels about me. She said she really likes me but shes scared it'll go back to how it was during the last 14-16 months. Shes unsure if she wants to be with me or on her own because of all this. Problem is I cant prove it wont it wont go back to how it was, I can only promise. She doesnt seem to be taking in that we can come back stronger from this, that mistakes have been made and that we can get past them because it was true love. She is totally lost. She promised me the bloke wasnt part of this anymore, but she is too scared to get back with me. Shes also scared if she choses a single life and realises later on that she made a mistake that itll be too late for us (and it will because Ill be back in Manchester - shes the only reason im here). We're going out tonight again for dinner to forget our troubles for the 1 night again and try andsee if we can start if off again but she seems totally distant and lost.
Its a shame. I speak with her mother now and then to ask how my girlfriend is feeling. Her mom always says her family think of me as their own. They're devastated at whats going on.
Im at my wits end. I love her and Im sure she still loves me but she has those doubts.We're totally shattered at the mo and that tube of superglue is missing. I dont know what to do. Suggestions and advice is much appreciated, but getting it off my chest feels good
Looking for some relationship advice. This is a long post and I apologise.
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 6 years. She lived down in Manchester with me for the last 4 years, after the first 2 years were built over a long distance between Glasgow and Manc.
Over the last year or 2, I've been suffering from a depression to which I had no idea what the cause was. Over the last 14-16 months, it has been affecting our relationship. I would become more irritable, have moodswings and a v low stress threshold. I knew I was shouting at my girlfriend for the most trivial of things at times, but at the time I couldnt stop myself. There was nothing physical taken out on her and she says she never feared there might be. Physically during this time I always felt a wreck. Its no justification for it being taken out on her, but theres little I can do to change the past. I spoke to her about moving back to her homeland (She was the one from Glasgow) to be closer to her family and for us to start afresh...maybe my job was the reason? We agreed, and 4 months back we moved into her parents house in Glasgow for 1 month before getting our own place in Edinburgh. Her parent's was a small 2 bedrooms house which would be home to 5 people with us 2 in there. We slept in the dining room on an inflatable bed which touched the walls at each side. It was very claustrophobic, and with that coupled with a Glasgow-Edinburgh hike and back each day for work, my depression got worse. I got it intom y head that the country was the cause and thta I wanted to go abroad. I told her, and after much back and forth she told me she'd think about it. In reality, she now tells me she was actually trying to get out of life with me.
I noticed things were bad when she was always late from work, out with friends longer than she said she would be and numerous other things, including her hiding her phone screen quickly when a txt from a certain bloke showed on her screen. I panic'd, confronted her and she said she was moving out for a bit, to give us a break. During this conversation, I broke down and came out with an automatic outburst of what my depression was. It was my family life, being from a broken home and seeing my dads depression, and losing several family members over the last 8 years. I never dealt with it at the times each event happened because I was 'the strong one' in my family, for my dad and my siblings, and the events built up on me - this was the result. Since finding out, ive felt so much better physically and mentally. But im now depressed at my relationship.
She always told me she wanted to work things out and fix our issues. However, her time away from our flat has been spent either wth me or with this other bloke who had been txting her. She always maintained he was just a friend. I accepted that at first, but about 1 month ago I met her in town. I came up behind her and she was txting him telling him she was somewhere else doing something else and no mention of being with me. She told me it 'was easier' that way. I quizzed why and she didnt give a straight answer. A week later, I found she was then lying to me about meeting with him as I saw her open a txt from him regarding meeting the next day, a day she said she couldnt meet me on because she was studying. I basically went '!!!!!!?!', quizzed her again and said she needs to get rid if she wants to stay together with me. She immediatley agreed and apologised. A couple of days later, she told me she'd done it and so we started again. The following weekend, her phone flashed up whilst she was in my shower, 'new message from' and this blokes name was there. I read it. 'Can we meet at 3 instead of 1 today?'. A day she told me she was going to go buy some boots and then go do some housework. I had a go at her and she left crying. The next day, I went around and told her it was over and that Im going for job interviews back in Manchester. She txt me the next day and asked if we could meet on the Saturday and have a day forgetting about it all. I agreed. We did, and we had a fantastic day. She stayed over, and when she was in the shower the next day, I looked at her phone again to make sure he wasnt there anymore. I saw a txt to her friend saying 'ive spoken to him and we're just friends now. Its for the best'. So they were 'together' but she chose me over him. I confronted her again, and said 'look, I know whats been goin on, and I forgive you. Lets go for this on a 100% clean slate'. She told me she had only kissed him once and there was no sex. She apologised and left crying again, saying she didnt deserve me and that I should go because 'its best for you'. I said I wasnt. That was last week. This weekend, she waso ver at her parents to try and speak to them (Something she hadnt been doing) and to try clear her head. It seemingly hadnt worked and she told me on the phone last night she still doesnt know what she feels about me. She said she really likes me but shes scared it'll go back to how it was during the last 14-16 months. Shes unsure if she wants to be with me or on her own because of all this. Problem is I cant prove it wont it wont go back to how it was, I can only promise. She doesnt seem to be taking in that we can come back stronger from this, that mistakes have been made and that we can get past them because it was true love. She is totally lost. She promised me the bloke wasnt part of this anymore, but she is too scared to get back with me. Shes also scared if she choses a single life and realises later on that she made a mistake that itll be too late for us (and it will because Ill be back in Manchester - shes the only reason im here). We're going out tonight again for dinner to forget our troubles for the 1 night again and try andsee if we can start if off again but she seems totally distant and lost.
Its a shame. I speak with her mother now and then to ask how my girlfriend is feeling. Her mom always says her family think of me as their own. They're devastated at whats going on.
Im at my wits end. I love her and Im sure she still loves me but she has those doubts.We're totally shattered at the mo and that tube of superglue is missing. I dont know what to do. Suggestions and advice is much appreciated, but getting it off my chest feels good
0
Comments
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Big hugs first of all!! Glad you feel better for getting it off your chest!
Maybe you need to be apart for a while. In experience Ive found that when stuff like this is happening, its best just to have a break from each other for a while and concentrate on yourselves. If you're meant to be together, you will, eventually. But with everything thats gone on, you with your depression, your OH seeing someone else.. theyre big things, and not something you can just forget and carry on where things left off.
Have you thought about getting help, seeing someone about your depression? Maybe you need to go back to Manc for a while, find yourself, talk to someone about your depression..
And she needs time to herself to work out what she wants, and WHO she wants too..
Good luck, and Im sure things'll work out how theyre meant to!\\ Debt Free April 2008 //\\ Single Mummy to 1 boy - 4 years & 5 months old //\\ Last weeks spend: £139.39 - 2 NSDs //0 -
I've sorted my depression out regarding what the origianl reasons were. I spent a week in Manchester speaking to people, directly involved and observers to the events, and I havent had any problems since.
I would love to go to relationship counselling, but I dont think shes fond of the idea.
I know what you're saying about being apart. The problem is once I go back to Manchester, which I need to do financially if we break up, then with the state of the economy Im gonna find it hard to get back up.0 -
If its meant to be, and you both want to be together more than anything, you'll find a way, both of you..\\ Debt Free April 2008 //\\ Single Mummy to 1 boy - 4 years & 5 months old //\\ Last weeks spend: £139.39 - 2 NSDs //0
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Phew thats a long story and i tried to read and comprehend it all and i didnt notice anywhere where you stated what your respective ages were?
My immediate thoughts were that this girl could not deal with the changes in your personality and decided she needed to get away and move on. She might have even been a little scared. I dont mean scared of you attacking her,i mean scared of the uncertainly,of being exposed to something which she did not understand or had not previously experienced.
And to be honest,why should she have to deal with it? Being blunt,its your problem,not hers.
It is quite easy to fall in love with other people and if we do not do our best for the person we share our life with,thats exactly what can happen . They back off,back away and suddenly,someone else has shown them interest,care and affection and that makes it even easier to say goodbye.
When all is said and done,none of us owes anyone anything save for our children. If what we have isnt working,then we can move on. From what i can see,it seems that your relationship is faltering and may well continue to falter until it runs out of steam. But then again,it may not.0 -
I think to be honest she kind of wants her cake and eat she clearly hankers after the single life but as she puts it is worried she won't like it then she will have lost you.
Perhaps with the pressures of your depression living with parents etc she feels she just needs some space to clear her head and have a bit of fun.
I would put it to her that you will seperate for a while both get on and do what you need to to get your heads in the right place, stay in contact and say maybe after 6 months or so we will see if we stil want to be together.
HTHI don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.0 -
It's good to hear you've sorted your depression out!
On the relationship front, however, you have a very serious trust issue. The fact that you read her text messages SO many times behind her back... I KNOW she was with this other guy, but that was for her to tell you, and two wrongs don't make a right.
If you are going to start again with her, it's going to be VERY hard work. You're upset with her over what happened with this other guy, but don't forget that she's probably worried that you're going to spend the next 12 months snooping through her texts, and betraying someone's trust in this way can often be more severe than one would think!
Good luck! And remember, some things are just not meant to be!Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0 -
It sounds to me like you and your girlfriend have been through a lot together and she's tired, which is understandable. The big question is, despite it all, does she still love you? If she does, your relationship might be salvageable. If not, it's time to move on.
You say you've spent a week talking to people in Manchester and now you're essentially 'cured' of your 'depression' - I'm sorry, but I don't think clinical depression works like that! I think you need to do much more than that to prove to your girlfriend that yes, you've been having problems of your own, but you've really taken proper steps to sort them out. Agreeing to see a GP and taking it from there would be a good first step.
You say you're worried about what will happen to you, financially, if you break up. Whatever you do, please don't say that to your girlfriend! If you suggest to her that money is the glue that should hold you together rather than love, she's going to run a mile and no one would blame her. It might be a real concern for you, but it's not one to bring to the table.
If she agrees to give things another go, I think you're going to have to take things very slowly - you've lived together before, but I think you might need to start 'dating' again rather than rushing back in.
You also have some serious trust issues - checking her mobile phone behind her back is totally unacceptable, and it sounds as if this has been normal behaviour for you. Does she know you've been doing this? I do think relationship counselling would be helpful - you say she wouldn't be keen, but have you actually suggested it? It might show that you're serious about doing anything to find a solution.
At the end of the day, though, it's really up to your girlfriend to decide what she wants to do. You may need to give her some thinking time - all you can do, is respect her wishes and make sure she knows how you feel about her and how commited you are to making things better.
I wish you the best of luck.0 -
She knows I have been looking at her phone. To be honest I know it was wrong, paranoia and looking after myself were my reasons but I agree I broke her trust and it was wrong. I admitted it all to her and we both agree we have been in the wrong regarding our relative misdoings. Im not proud of it and this is more a result than trying to make any justification of it, but I also think our issues would have been compounded alot worse by now if it had carried on without my knowledge.
Im sure she still loves me but is scared to say it. Im going to ask her point blank tonight to take away the doubt she has and ask herself that. She has said, when we've spent time together, that she really enjoys it but she forces doubt on it as to whether she really feels that way. According to her mother, she cries each time she mentions my name when they're speaking about the issues.
I might call it off tonight should she not be able to answer some of my questions. I just dont know anymore. She promised me she'd spend time alone trying to sort her head out when she moved out and she hasnt done that until the last week. My health is now becoming an issue, and work know about the problems but they're obviously not going to wait forever for me to sort my issues out.
Im just so confused and so heartbroken.0 -
OP I'm not sure if you want these replies to be 'sugar coated' or not but im not really a believer in telling people what they want to hear so I'll give an opinion as it reads to me. I hope it doesnt sound too harsh as it's not meant to but..
I think you are too high maintenence for this girl. You've had problems that may resurface at any time, problems that have had a serious affect on your relationship and your personality. I commend you for acknowledgeing them and trying to seek help etc but feelings aren't constant so your behaviour has ultimately altered your girflriends feelings. You have no control over that. I think she cares about you but maybe doesn't have the heart to walk away, maybe you have to decide what you wan't to do in your best interests. Forcing her to make a decision is not going to help, because I hate to tell you but she isn't responsible for your happiness or lack of it.
I know its very easy to sit and type as an outsider but your posts seem quite desperate with all the ultimatums and if it were me in your girlfriend's position I would find it all too much, hence why I say high maintenence. I think she owes you an honest answer but failing that you may have to do her dirty work for her and walk away to sort out your own issues, in m/cr if need be. All the best"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself" -Oscar Wilde0 -
Thanks GlossGal,
I understand what you are saying. I agree with some points whilst disagreeing with others but I welcome all comments.
What you said about her not having the heart to call it off, I had the same thoughts initially. I begged her to let me go if that was the case the day she walked out. I mentioned in my original post that I told her it was over 2 weeks back and she came back to me saying she wanted to give it another go (I really meant it back then when I said it was over), so im confused about that particular scenario.0
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