Relationship counselling?

Linguistic_Chimp

Hi folks.
My partner and I have been together 8 years almost and have spent a lot of time apart during our relationship. We recently went through a really terrible year, involving revelations about his years of cheating behind my back, but we had both resolved to stay together and get through all this. And we were making great progress until we recently went to a wedding.

He saw all his friends, most of whom are getting married and seem happy in their long-term relationships and he started having a major crisis of 'what ifs?' about basically anyone else except me. He feels they are playing on his mind too much now and although he says he loves me, he says he needs to sort his head out so he doesn't spend all the time wondering about the grass being greener or whatever.

It's really hard for me and I am really up and down all the time, but was being helped by the fact that he went to relate and had a session there explaining his issue, with a view to going regularly to sort his head out.

But they told him today there is a 4-6 week waiting list! I am feeling so sad and the thought of feeling like I'm in this limbo for all that time, while he waits to see a relate person, makes me feel worse.

Does anyone know any alternatives to relate in London?

FROSTYFRECKLE

Just bumping your thread, sorry no advice do not live in London.

Little_Pickle

Hi LC,

Wow, you poor thing *hugs*

You probably won't like what I am going to say and I know it's not what you asked for but.... why are you with this guy?

I've been through troubles in my relationship... haven't most of us? and people make mistakes... but that's all they were. We are all human after all and no-one is prefect.

Years of cheating is not a mistake IMO. And now he's telling you that he wants to sort his head out and think about if he wants to be with you? You seem to be, from what you have written, becoming a door mat.

When people make mistakes in relationships, on the whole, it goes one of two ways.

Either:
The guilty party understand the gravity of the mistake, recoil at the horror of letting the other down, resolve never to do it again and stick to it. They fear losing that person more than ANYTHING ELSE.

Or:
They betray their partner, realise that they are happier in their new life and leave.

Of course there are variants and these things can take time to come to, but 'years of cheating'...?

I'm sure this is not how you saw your life turning out.

Put a stop to it.
make a stand.
you don't need relationship councelling... after some time to find yourself again, you need a real man.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but by standing by someone so despicable, what does that say about you?

THis situation isn't just about him cheating and him calling the shots...it's also about you.

I hope you find your answer, but I think you need to look inward before looking to others to fix your problem.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.
BIG hugs...
LP
xox

ameliarate

I'm not usually one to advocate giving up, but I think in your case it might be time.
He's cheated on you previously and now he's trying to decide whether he can stay with you or not because he might want to try and find out if "the grass is greener".

You say you are in limbo waiting for his decision following counselling but you can make a decision yourself and come out of that limbo. Is he really worth it?

Linguistic_Chimp

Thanks for the advice folks, but I am really firmly decided that if this relationship is going to end, he's going to have to make the decision himself and face up to it.

Thus I will not be doing that.

galvanizersbaby

Hi LC

I'm sure somebody will be along with a suggestion as an alternative to relate counselling - I have seen similar threads with useful info lately just can't remember which ones!

Have to say though you sound as though you deserve better and he sounds as though he should be the one in limbo not you x

Little_Pickle

then you're letting him call all the shots and control your life IMO.

I feel for you because you obviously love him. And I admire your strength through such a hard few years. I cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like.

Maybe you are too scared to end it yourself – if so, why??

ETA: LC - I just found this site on goggle... looks pretty good... http://www.counselling4london.com/

Linguistic_Chimp

Little Pickle, it's great that people like you are on these forums, caring about total strangers. It really gives you faith in human beings. Cheesy but true.

I'm not scared to break up with him. I'm just aware that that would be a monumentally life changing decision and I'm not prepared to make it until we have made every effort to stay together.

We do love each other, we do have a great time together when things are good, we have just the right amount in common etc etc etc. I want that.

And I think so does he. And I think he'll come to that realisation at some point. I know there are limits, but I don't want to miss out on a lifetime of happiness because I couldn't be a little bit patient.

ameliarate

Linguistic_Chimp wrote: »

Little Pickle, it's great that people like you are on these forums, caring about total strangers. It really gives you faith in human beings. Cheesy but true.

I'm not scared to break up with him. I'm just aware that that would be a monumentally life changing decision and I'm not prepared to make it until we have made every effort to stay together.

We do love each other, we do have a great time together when things are good, we have just the right amount in common etc etc etc. I want that.

And I think so does he. And I think he'll come to that realisation at some point. I know there are limits, but I don't want to miss out on a lifetime of happiness because I couldn't be a little bit patient.

Not sure that I would class this as being a "little bit patient", but only you know what's right for you and I wish you well.

When my sister was going through a lot of problems with her (ex) husband I said to her you will know when the time is right to leave, and she did. Only you know how you truly feel and if you feel it's right to stay for now then it is but please make sure you are staying for the right reasons and don't keep on getting hurt.

Little_Pickle

Then if that's how you feel, hats off to you.

As I said before, we have had troubles in the past and we actually used Relate about 5 months in the end. I think after a month and a half (6 sessions) we had got enough striaghtened out to not really need to go. But we carried on just to iron everything out.

I have to say, hand on my heart, it was worth it. We haven't argued for about a year, if we squabble or disagree on something now, we have the tools and realisation to move on from it and it's like... oo I don't know..WOW!

We are happier than we've ever been and understand each other 100%

For example, if I'm being petty or moody over something, instead of getting huffy and angry at me, he gives me a hug, even if I want to push him away and stay there until I calm down. Or he'll make me a cuppa / put on my favourite songs / do a silly dance etc etc

If he's had a hard day at work and he's in a foul mood, i'll listen to him for hours... so that he gets it out of his system or, or, or.

WE worked really hard and both wanted the change. We were 100% commited to making it work, but it was tough. The sessions are hard, hard, hard. geeeez.....I didn't think I could cry that much.

But over the last year we have our own place (now without flatmates), we are engaged and we are trying for children.

Really, really best of luck. It can work... I speak from the heart.

Good luck!
(PM me if you ever need to chat about the coucelling - it can be hard and I had no-one to talk to)
LP
xox

poorly_scammo

I've been in a similar situation and the one thing I can say is that clinging on does you and the relationship no good.

All that happens is that you become increasingly anxious and upset and he continues to behave like imo, an idiot. A rollercoaster relationship is no fun and can be detrimental to your health.

Perhaps it would be better for to split for a while. He doesn't sound the most mature of fellas. Perhaps some time apart might firstly help him grow up a bit and secondly decide where his loyalties lie.

I must say though, that from the sound of your post, you can do much better than this.